The Daily Dump

A place where everyone (me) is welcomed to express their opinions openly and honestly. I encourage free thinking, free wheeling, off-the-cuff banter and monetary donations.

Monday, May 22

Did I Mention I’m Moving?

If you’ve been paying attention to anything I’ve been saying for the past two weeks you know two things: 1. My mom knows what a chode1. is, and 2. At the end of the month I’m moving. It’s been a difficult few weeks leading up to the event, what with the refrigerator crapping out on me and the Slutty Colorist (her official nickname, which is not racist – she works in a hair salon) screwing me over (my last email to her read: “Good luck with the job and everything, but with all due respect if I ever need my tips frosted or some awesome highlights, I’ll probably go with someone else.”) But it all worked out and now the only thing left is for me to actually pack up my crap and move, the last remaining detail being “Where to?”

Let’s do it this way – THE TOP 5 PLACES I AM NOT MOVING:

1. Harlem
2. Vancouver
3. Los Angeles
4. Any state where NASCAR rates higher than football
5. Into my girlfriend’s apartment



Yes, I’m moving in with The Girlfriend. Into the same apartment. Where both she and I will live. Together. Sharing a toilet.

And it’s not that I’m scared or apprehensive or anything. I’m actually really excited. It’s just that everyone around me seems to be panicking about it. When I told a friend of mine, he responded with, “Wow, really? That’s an interesting choice,” as though I had just told him Rod Stewart was my favorite male singer of all time. Even my mom gets nervous when we talk about it, as though there is a cosmic balance dependant on The Girlfriend and I not failing at this, or as if she knows a deep secret regarding the whole situation, like The Girlfriend is really my cousin, although I hope if that were the case she would have put a stop to things much earlier than this.

The thing is, The Girlfriend and I tried this once before a few years ago, to mixed results. And by “mixed results” I mean “we nearly killed one another, but ended up not.” But we were young and I was in a particularly confusing “post-graduation” place. I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life, I wasn’t happy with my job and there was a general sense of uneasiness everyday where the first question I would ask myself every morning while stepping into the shower was “What the hell am I doing?” (Note that absolutely nothing is different now except for the fact that I accept my circumstances and can afford the better liquor which really does reduce the effects of a hangover, and I take a multivitamin with ginseng. Plus there’s only so much introspection a person can handle. About two years ago it got to the point where when it came time to look inside myself for answers I would instead make a sandwich and watch an episode of “Law & Order”, and you wouldn’t believe the turn things took for the better after that.) So we moved into separate apartments, fought like hell cats and came out on the other side better people and better “talkers” and better at doing that thing where you have the look on your face like you’re screaming but really you’re just “talking sternly to get your point across without yelling, because that’s counter productive, but obviously I’m yelling.”

And while I know that this time will absolutely be different, and I mean different better, not different more efficient at inflicting pain on one another, that doesn’t mean there won’t be a few obstacles and conflicts to resolve. Such as:

My OCD vs. her “I don’t care”

Sometimes when I go to visit The Girlfriend and she has run out to the store, she leaves me notes that read “DON’T MESS THE PLACE UP!” as I look out over a sea of clothing on the floor, at least 18 empty water bottles strewn about, an iron in the middle of the living room floor and so many dirty dishes in the sink that I once had to drink juice out of a Tupperware because I couldn’t even find a glass.

Me? I’m not a fanatic, but I’m an “a place for everything” kind of guy. And if there isn’t a place for it, I’ll build a place for it. And if you leave the kitchen cabinets open I’ll close your head in them. You know, that kind of guy.

Her up at 5:00 every morning vs. me literally nauseous at the thought

The Girlfriend gets up every morning and runs five miles. It’s the sort of thing I had only heard about people doing before I met her, and I assumed that they did it because they were cancer survivors who worked extra hard in life like Lance Armstrong. It’s a choice she makes that I have to admit I will never understand, and while I was at first nervous at the thought of being woken up every morning at 5:00, a good friend put a positive twist on it: “Just think of it as having the bed to yourself for two whole hours after that.”

Her healthy eating vs. my love of cookies

I want no part of a home absent of desserts. To me, it’s part of life. It’s a nightly reward for having survived another day. In The Girlfriend’s apartment, the best it gets is Eddy’s Slow Churned Light iced cream, which I feel compelled to admit is as good as the commercials say it is. But that’s by no means enough of a variety for me. We have talked about segregated food stashes, so she isn’t tempted by mine. But I just feel with all the progress our ancestors have made, it would be irresponsible to not practice integration, tolerance and compromise, like maybe a carrot cake.

My love of TV vs. her love of “talking”

Yes, sometimes while I am watching TV I think, “This really is a waste of my time, I’m a smart guy I should really be doing something more –“ and then the show comes back from commercial and I go back into my happy, catatonic state.

The Girlfriend, she doesn’t really watch TV. She likes to have “conversations” and “discussions,” which I guess is alright, but I always figured that’s what the weekends were for. The good thing is that when we are watching TV in bed, if I can successfully ignore her for five straight minutes she will immediately fall asleep. Seriously, she has a resting pulse of 58. She’s constantly on the verge of sleep.

(I swear, we do have some things in common. Really.)

Her wanting a Jon Secada CD for her birthday vs. me thinking it would be awesome to see Jon Secada and Bruce Springsteen in a fist fight

Our tastes in music aren’t all that different, but every so often a Bonnie Raitt song will come on or one of the Adam Ant songs she has purchased off iTunes and in the past I could just threaten to leave but not when I’m living there. Now, I will have to go in the bathroom and run the shower for three minutes and thirty-six seconds.

Her needing a comforter and flannel sheets every night vs. me dying of heat stroke

An actual quote from The Girlfriend: “You know how in the old days they would put hot bricks wrapped in cloth at the foot of the bed to stay warm? Why’d we ever stop doing that?”

Yes, sometimes I feel bad that sometimes she has to wear a hat to bed, but while she can continually add clothes to stay warm there are only so many articles of clothing I can remove to keep my core temperature from hitting triple digits. Will it create some problems? Yes. Will those problems include “too much sex”? No, I don’t believe they will.

Her taste in decorating vs. my good taste in decorating

I’m not saying she has bad taste, I’m just saying I have good taste and we’re different. But this will be a whole separate post, because I can’t possibly describe the convergence of my “Bath 25¢ – Soap Extra” sign with her purple beaded, 5 x 7 picture frame in less than 1,000 words. It just wouldn’t be fair to either of us, but mostly me because this is my blog and my opinions are really the only ones that matter.

Does anyone have experience with writing Wikipedia entries? Because this one is in need of some serious clarification, if not an addendum at the very least.


Why did you decide to move in with TG and not with your Mom? Just curious.

By Blogger Leezer, at 6:05 PM  

psh, bruce would totally win...with or without the e street dudes.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 6:12 PM  

If the Bath 25 Cents sign doesn't make the cut...


By Blogger tall 1, at 6:56 PM  

Viscountess -- He doesn't need to worry about his Mom. He has to worry when the GF starts turning into HER Mom.

By Anonymous Neil, at 7:17 PM  

ah... good luck with the move! ya know, me and my ex were the same way in bed (wait.... I mean with the covers) and I made the executive decision to have seperate duvets. I know it's "un-couply, but I didn't care! I needed my beauty rest without feeling like I was in a sauna.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 7:21 PM  

I can see that you're working yourself into a frenzy at just the right moment, i.e. 9 days before all your worldly possessions will be in a pile in the middle of your girlfriend's living room floor.

Similarly, I have 9 days until all the stuff in my office is going to be in a pile in the middle of my garage.

We'd better get started. :)

By Blogger babyoog, at 7:38 PM  

I'm about to move in with my boy, too and we're excited, despite the fact that he's a morning person and I'm a clutterbug. But I think he'll be a good influence on me to be more organized. And I'll keep him in bed late on weekends. Good luck with the move!

By Blogger felicity, at 8:05 PM  

ah ah... i see more exciting blog posts in the future.

good luck!

By Blogger treespotter, at 8:13 PM  

As long as you go into it with eyes open; I hope it works. That means there's hope for me.

By Blogger Maulleigh, at 9:03 PM  

I'm scared of living with someone too. I'm "a place for everything" kind of girl and if things are out of whack I go nuts.

But hey, GOOD LUCK!

By Blogger Sexy Lexi, at 10:06 PM  

Gonna be great. Got a good feeling about this.

/stares hard at feet and sorta shakes with stifled laughter.

By Anonymous Bob, at 10:20 PM  

Good luck, Beligerant! I'm very scared of living with a girl again, yet very tired of living with four dudes. Great post, as always.

By Blogger Dr. Kenneth Noisewater, at 11:40 PM  

Dont ever use "hell cat" again. Seriously.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 12:35 AM  

I have a few "posts" of my own about this move -
1. You can NEVER break up - NEVER
I could not go through another one.
2. Your special sheets are on the way. Should take care of the hot/cold problem.
3. You can not move in with us - your bedroom is now someone elses.
Althouth visits are strongly encouraged.
4. You have your father's "zombie stare" when watching TV. GF - I'm sorry.

By Blogger belligerent mother, at 8:05 AM  

Jenni's Guide to Cohabitating:

On Junk Food:
I make Josh put all his "bad" foods in the cupbords that I can't reach.

On Body Temperatures:
The cover thing is definately an issue, I'm ALWAYS cold, he's ALWAYS hot, put a fan on, that way she can have the covers and there will be a breeze to cool you off.

On Decorating:
Split up some rooms, give her a room and you take a room to be able to do what you want to, just make sure they aren't too different from eachother. Like Josh and I, he has the basement and garage, and I have the rest of the house. (Coincidentally, the basement is FULL of my stuff that I haven't gotten around to getting rid of quite yet.)

And On Everything Else: She's going to bug the crap out of you when you're trying to watch TV, or she leaves her clothes on the floor, or her dishes in the sink. It's a given. And you're probably going to make her want to strangle you from time to time and that's fine, just don't yell and carry on about it.

Take it out on eachother in the bedroom.

That's all. That'll be $99.95.

By Blogger Jenni, at 8:24 AM  

As the clean one in my house, you need to just accept that it is your needs that order you to clean up the other person's mess, they are not doing it on purpose and you need to just accept that you have volunteered for this. She needs to accept that there will be cookies. Everyone needs cookies. Maybe if she eats a couple cookies she wouldn't be so cold.
PS your mom rocks.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8:29 AM  

Ultimately, everybody has these kinds of differences with their roommates-- you just have a greater stake in not pissing that roommate off too greatly. Have fun!

By Blogger mysterygirl!, at 9:03 AM  

My husband moved in with me before we married. After about two months he felt comfortable enough to move paintings, furniture and start putting his mark on the place. it was the first big fight we ever had. The second big fight: he kept moving my stuff. he said he was merely, cleaning up. We've been living in the same place for over four years and I think we've almost got it right. Almost...

By Blogger F Train 2 Brooklyn, at 10:14 AM  

Thanks for the loving support everybody. Even if you were charging for it. Or making fun of my diction. Or not really supporting me, but more like mocking my life choices. On second thought, screw all of you! I'm gonna make it ON MY OWN!

By Blogger the belligerent intellectual, at 10:18 AM  

But you're not really making it on your own, are you? Since you are moving in with her...

And I've already decided that when I move in with my significant other, I will still have my own room adn he his. That way, when he's snoring and I just want to suffocate him with a pillow so I can get back to sleep, I can just make him leave the room. Ugh. And he radiates heat while being cold and a bit sweaty, while I'm burning up... Yeah, he might just have to have some kind of surgery before we live together.

By Blogger Rebecca, at 10:24 AM  

Dude, didn't I say to you that I had no doubts these female commenters were plotting TG's death. If Heather and I can share a bed together for 23 days and not kill each other- I have no doubt you and TG will be fine. I love that this post instigated the sound of hearts breaking everywhere!

By Blogger Betty, at 10:25 AM  

Good luck with the move. I cant wait for the posts that are too come. And I dont know what a chode is, and the wikipedia definition sucked hairy balls.

P.S. You are one funny dude. I love reading your posts. They make me laugh. Out loud.

By Blogger Softball Slut, at 10:48 AM  

Oh, and I also meant to comment that Jordan Baker wrote about this recently, and she was spelling it "choad." Maybe there's a wikipedia entry for that.

(and hey, I totally left you a supportive comment.)

By Blogger mysterygirl!, at 11:02 AM  

I walked into the house today and almost had an aneurysm at the sight of every single kitchen cupboard being wide open...and not a roomie in sight either. I understand the 'everything has it's place' way of living!

By Anonymous abigailroad, at 11:22 AM  

Oh, well, good luck!

By Blogger Momentary Academic, at 11:30 AM  

A couple of options about the hot/cold covers/bed thing.

1) Get her pregnant. Her hormones and metabolism will kick into high gear and she will soon get hotter than you. I get cold easily and this pregnancy and the last one I have been getting hot much more easily. I'm the one that has to turn on the fan. Toward the end of the first pregnancy, I would wake up in the middle of the night, suffocating from the heat and have to stumble down to the basement to get relief.

2) She can snuggle up to you and rest her cold feet on your warm chest (my hubby "LOVES" this). She gets warmed up on you, and you get cooling relief from her ice-cold feet.

By Blogger hanmee, at 12:01 PM  

Please, whatever you do don't move to a Nascar area. Take it from me, it's murder.

By Blogger The Humanity Critic, at 12:06 PM  

dude, the GF needs a fan club. buy her some flowers.

as for the mess in the living room, bloggers, with all their fans, have such gigantic egos that i'm sure the clutter will just get smushed to the side. problem solved!

as always, you cracked me up and now i'm calling my friend over so i can force her to read and laugh, too. this is a great way to spread love and joy throughout the world.

By Blogger kristine, at 12:10 PM  


i don't know what a chode is (and i feel dirty wanting to know, and i'm at work, which is a SCHOOL, but i'm probably going to look it up anyway, so when i'm arrested for being the next Mary Kay Lateurno you'll have a really funny post), and that green writing that claims your GF is actually Jennifer Anniston is really hard to read.

By Blogger kristine, at 12:25 PM  

I love NASCAR, and we really arent that bad. Promise. I have all my teeth. Promise

By Blogger Softball Slut, at 12:54 PM  

Well if things go awry, just be sure you've etched your name into everything that is yours.

By Blogger Carrie Broadshoulders, at 1:49 PM  

Wait, can we hear more about the breakup that was so horrible you Mom can't live through another one?

If anyone has an "awesomely bad" breakup story they want to share, I have a contact at the Post who is interested.

By Blogger Cupcake, at 2:20 PM  

write a post about the breakup! Inquiring minds want to know!!!

By Blogger Leezer, at 2:24 PM  

The boyfriend is a messy-type of guy (don't even get me started on his "closet"), and I'm a clean semi-freak. It's worked just fine for us for the past 8 months.

You'll work it all out. Don't worry. Listen to your mom. Sounds like she knows this relationship is good for you, man.

Oh my GOD! your word verifications SUCK!!! I hate them, hate them, hate them...a lot.

By Blogger Faith, at 3:02 PM  

hey BI, I've been reading for a while but had to jump in on this one because my boyfriend is moving into my STUDIO in 2 months. He is a neat freak, I am a morning person, we are basically a carbon copy of you and T.G. although I assume (and hope, for both your sakes) that she does not live in a studio. STU.DI.O.

Looking forward to reading your posts, as I anticipate they will be pretty accurate forecasts of what my life holds in store.

P.S. are you still going to be on the UES? I think I saw clown face on the subway yesterday morning (I'm at 86th street) and how much would you miss her, honestly??

By Blogger Werbie, at 3:24 PM  

Can I kindly request that everyone direct their good luck wishes at Ashley from now on? A studio? Man, I hope you're really in love. Or he's at least in med school or something.

And yes, still on the UES, back up to the 86th St. subway too. So this could be an emotional reunion for me and Clownface.

By Blogger the belligerent intellectual, at 3:37 PM  

i vote for getting her pregnant! we could follow the whole thing via FlickR! make sure you paste that little black stripe over her eyes so that the only way we could tell it was her on the street is if a vent blew up her skirt and exposed any telltale birthmarks. the most important thing we have is our anonymity.

you really don't need to be in the photo set at all. we know how babies are made.

By Blogger ducklet, at 4:12 PM  

Your angst makes me laugh. Out loud. Too funny. Thank you.

By Blogger ❉ pixie ❉, at 4:46 PM  

BI - didn't your mama tell you that a girl won't buy the cow if the milk is for free?

Your moving in = free milk.

By Blogger p_is_for_payj, at 8:56 PM  

Ok, a solution for sleeping with your girlfriend is get a Twin Size Electric Blanket. Place it on her side, she can adjust it as needed, leaving you, free and clear under just a sheet, or comforter.
Hubby and I have done this for years and it helps a lot. I sleep cold he is hot.
Good Luck!

By Blogger Hunny, at 10:36 AM  

Well I understand the My love of TV vs. her love of “talking”. Mind you I am not a voracious talker but I abhore sitting in front of the tv zoning out(zoning out in front of the computer screen is different :P ).

Just dont get a callous on your ass while watching tv, its a predecesor to becoming married.

What Hunny said above is 100% correct! You will both sleep better w/o anyone giving something up!

And DONT GET HER PREGNANT while still in an apartment! Think its hard moving into another apartment? Trying moving to a house and having the baby 12 hours after you move in. I dont recommend it at all.

"Shopaholic Mom who plays poker"

By Anonymous Shopaholic Mom, at 2:53 PM  

I'll be interested to read how this goes. Good luck! I'm totally with you on the "no talking" during TV time thing. (I even mentioned it in my post today before reading this!)

Boyfriend and I have talked about moving in together (dating for 3+ years) but that's about as far as it has gone. I like living by myself. (If he has to hear me sing Disney tunes at least once a week, he'll probably end up killing me in my sleep.) I told him that maybe I'd consider it if he built me an apartment off of the back of his house. Somehow, I don't think that's going to happen.

By Blogger liberalbanana, at 4:19 PM  

My GF and I have two bathrooms. Yet she still uses mine as a drying rack/hairdrying station (apparently, my mirror is better than hers...huh?). Also, my bathroom is closer to the TV, thus she does all sorts of foul things in there. She has the whirlpool bath in hers. She wins.

By Blogger Alex, at 2:42 PM  

you're hilarious. i hope it works out awesomely.

By Blogger Vesper, at 3:06 PM  

You are exhibiting the trademark signs of latent homosexuality compounded by an overabundance of bitchiness and lack of penile girth.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:14 AM  

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