In response to yesterday’s post about True.com’s lame advice, I respond with my own lame advice.
1. Make the person feel as though they are included in a special bond with you
e.g. “I need your help with a dog murder”
The Girlfriend once sent me an email with this as the subject. And what is more intimate than being implicated in a murder with someone?
2. Be direct with the person about how you feel
e.g. “Why you’re driving me insane lately”
Another email from The Girlfriend. I felt a distinct closeness after I read it, like there was no one else in the world who was driving her as insane as I was; so insane, in fact, that she needed to put it out there, boldly and without reservation.
3. For my money’s worth (along with most copy editors) nothing beats good wordplay
e.g. “KY? Because I like it.”
I have used this one, to varied results. The key is to know a little about who you’re writing to, such as whether or not they would be offended by something like suggesting you use a personal lubricant with them.
4. A thing or phrase that has nothing to do with anything
e.g. “Shoestring licorice”
Back in 1997, before emoticons, when the internet was still a curious place, a girl I had a high school crush on (who was older than me and went off to college) used this as the subject in an email. Some time later, I was riding my bike through our small town when I saw her riding her bike going the opposite direction on the other side of the road. She didn’t notice me as I tried to flag her down, and in my haste to cross the street and get to her I was almost hit by a car and ended up running into a tree branch. That was the last time I ever saw her, but I still remember that email.
5. “hey, [insert nickname]”
For girls, try something cute or complimentary. For guys, try something smart-assy.
e.g. (various subjects I have used with The Girlfriend)
“hey, hot stuff”
“hey, big shot”
“hey, daily water soluble fiber”
“hey, smarty pants”
“hey, see through problems”
I suggest coming up with your own as certain, more specific examples may not apply.
Three pick-up lines for guys to use at a bar, because we all know girls don’t use pick-up lines they use low cut shirts and eye makeup.
1. “I would offer to buy you a drink, but you seem drunk enough.” If she’s not drunk, everyone has a good laugh. If she is you know you’ve chosen wisely.
2. “You remind me of [ambiguously attractive celebrity].”
No girl believes it when you say that they remind you of Jennifer Aniston or Scarlet Johanson. But if you take it down a notch and say, “You remind me of that girl, what’s her name, the one from Saved By The Bell when they were working at the beach club.” Then everyone says, “Oh yeah, I remember her,” and then the girl says, “Really? Her?” And you say, “Yeah, I used to have a huge crush on her.” And then she says, “But isn’t she like 40 now? And she’s on that show with the fat husband, right?” and you say, “Whatever, you look nothing like her, wanna go to my place?”
3. Follow a girl when she goes outside to smoke. Once she lights up, lean over and say, “I know like three people that have died of cancer. It’d be awful if you died.” It covers all the bases: it shows that you are concerned about her welfare, that you would be sad if anything bad happened to her, and, most importantly, the fact that you’re already looking into the future you hope to have with her shows you are ready to make a commitment. It’s really foolproof.