The Daily Dump

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Tuesday, May 9

Global Politics: WTF?

Iran President Says Democracy Has Failed

“Iran's president declared in a letter to President Bush that democracy had failed worldwide and lamented "an ever-increasing global hatred" of the U.S. government. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice swiftly rejected the letter, saying it didn't resolve questions about Tehran's suspect nuclear program.”

A letter? Is this really how global politics works, like trying to dispute a charge on my bank card? Like the president of Iran sat down with his council and said, “Get the U.S. on the phone, I want to tell them that democracy has failed,” and someone in the council stands up and says, “Actually, you’re going to have to write it in a letter, on your letterhead.”

And then our Secretary of State “rejects” the letter via public announcement? Am I the only one who finds this absolutely absurd? Why didn’t they just get on a conference call and say:

AT&T Conference Call Coordinator: “Ms. Rice are you there?”

Condoleezza: “Yes.”

AT&T Conference Call Coordinator: “President Ahmadinejad are you there?”

Mahmoud: “Yes.”

AT&T Conference Call Coordinator: “All parties are on the line, thank you for using AT&T.”

Mahmoud: “Democracy has failed.”

Condoleezza: “No it hasn’t.”

Mahmoud: “Yes it has.”

Condoleezza: “No it hasn’t.”

Mahmoud: “You’re stupid.”

Condoleezza: You’re stupid.”


Same effect. No need for letters or public announcements. Just like this time in grade school that I tried to tell Rebecca Ocassio that I liked her friend Tanya and was over her friend Dawn, but she said to write her a note. So I did, but then Dawn saw the note and got mad and wrote me a note saying that there’s no way I could like Tanya because she didn’t even wear lip gloss. So I wrote a note back saying that she did too wear lip gloss, you just couldn’t see it very well, and that Dawn should stop being a bee itch.

And the moral of the story? I should have just gone to Tanya and told her that I like-liked her. Would have saved everyone the trouble.


What makes it even better is that the Iranian president probably didn't actually write the letter. He had his assistants write it, then he crossed off the President Bush, wrote in George, and then signed it. Then Condi, wearing that random matrix outfit she has, takes the letter from George, gives it to an underling who then writes her comments. Meanwhile, the NSA is listening to a conversation between two people in Iowa who are discussing their recipes for meatballs.

Ah, government.

By Blogger Rebecca, at 3:26 PM  

Actually, the letter - and this is a generous term for it - looks like you, BI, drafted this sophisticated piece of correspondence when you were in grade school. It looks like it was printed on one of those old-fashioned mimiograph/ditto machines that printed in triplicate with purple ink in the seventies.

By Blogger Leezer, at 3:45 PM  

I know, I was thinking the same thing. THIS is the country that just developed nuclear technology? You would think they would first master Times New Roman, one inch margins and laser printers.

By Blogger the belligerent intellectual, at 3:51 PM  

I had doubts about the authenticity of the letter. I've never heard this Iranian chap speak english, so I assume if he wrote to the president it would be in his own languages. I'm pretty sure that in his country they speak one of those languages that looks like chicken scratches when it's written down.

Ironically, when spoken, it sounds eerily similar to a chicken scratching something too. Coincidence?

By Blogger HomeImprovementNinja, at 4:19 PM  

I am hoping Iran releases the full text of the's apparently nout just about governing, but also 17 pages of philsophy, history and bullshit.

On a side note, if democracy has indeed failed, pricks, like these, won't get elected.

By Blogger Noblesse Oblige, at 4:54 PM  

As someone who has to translate documents as part of her job, I am very suspicious. Mistakes happen all the time. "I authorize this transfer in the amount of $50 million," looks a lot like "I do not authorize this transfer in the amount of $50 million." See, there's only two words difference and it changes the whole meaning!

At least, that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

By Blogger Cupcake, at 4:59 PM  

You can get the full text of the letter by clicking on the "letter" link in the post. It's in PDF form.

I didn't read the whole thing. It seems pretty boring actually. No mention of "hot interns" or "cage matches." Blah.

By Blogger the belligerent intellectual, at 5:00 PM  

You know what country we all really should look into (have a good laugh at)? Turkmenistan. I mean, the "president" has a statue of himself in the capitol that rotates so it always faces the sun. He renamed January after himself and made his two books mandatory reading in schools. People who read one of his books (Ruhnama) three times will go straight to heaven.

And HIN, this is a translation. Unlike the Georgian President who not only reads English, he also wrote an Op-Ed in the Post a couple of months ago.

By Blogger Rebecca, at 5:04 PM  

What's wrong with having a statue of yourself that rotates so it always faces the sun? I have one at home. Of me. I also make my kids tell their teachers that they will read only books I have penned, not the assigned texts.

By Blogger Leezer, at 5:16 PM  

Demorcracy isn't the only thing in trouble apartly. Diplomacy is also screwed. Way to go Ms. Condoleezza.

By Blogger Janet, at 5:19 PM  

Yeah, but he also has pictures of himself on every clock and watch in the country. Can you imagine how many times people look at his face and go, "Oh shit, I'm runnign late?" I really don't want people looking at me and going "Oh shit."

Also, have you written many books? Because otherwise, your kids must not do very well in school. THough if you're a dictator, I guess you can make up the tests. And kill the teachers if they give your kid a bad grade.

By Blogger Rebecca, at 5:21 PM  

"Has democracy failed? Circle yes or no?"

Of course, maybe the Iranian president saw this piece of news and thought that Bush was an old fashioned pen-to-paper kind of guy.

By Blogger p_is_for_payj, at 5:37 PM  

Slow clap for Payj - everyone knows how much I love tying in a good reference from past events. What everyone doesn't know is that I am lame. Oh wait, yes they do.

By Blogger the belligerent intellectual, at 8:19 PM  

Dear Dan,
I just wanted to let you know that your policy on hair removal and disposal is unnecessary and I feel it is motivated by your capitalist greed.


p.s. Don't tell anyone I sent you this letter. Seriously. Let's keep this between you and I.

By Blogger birdie, at 9:54 PM  

An interesting post script to this mess is that the President didn't physically read it. He admits to not being a reader and had an aid brief him. To quote the local newspaper "... a missive is better than a missle. At least read it."


By Blogger belligerent mother, at 9:02 AM  

I'm waiting for the letter when Iraq breaks up with us...then the shit will hit the fan. It's bound to happen...I mean, we've already shared all our nuclear weapons in the 80's, and now we won't give it up anymore...Iraq is left scrounging the streets for nuclear prostitutes, ending up in shady bars and on the "bad side of town" maybe even spending too much time on the computer parousing internet sites...ahhhhhh, it's bound to happen.

By Blogger Jenni, at 9:53 AM  

Yeah and Putin in Russia looks like he's ready to sit down and write the Dear John letter to US as well.

I think we should send China a love letter folded up that says:

Do you love US?

Check Yes or NO.

China's response would clearly be to add a third box that says "Maybe" and check it.

By Blogger Carrie Broadshoulders, at 12:51 PM  

The president "isn't a reader?" that makes (1) not a reader; (2) not a speaker; (3) not a high school graduate???

By Blogger Leezer, at 1:46 PM  

Politics is scary. Let's talk about butterflies again, or broken appliances, or prospective tenants.

By Blogger mysterygirl!, at 2:48 PM  

Or BI's 8 inches. :)

By Blogger Carrie Broadshoulders, at 4:04 PM  

you should run for president.
of Iran.

By Blogger treespotter, at 2:27 PM  

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