The Daily Dump

A place where everyone (me) is welcomed to express their opinions openly and honestly. I encourage free thinking, free wheeling, off-the-cuff banter and monetary donations.

Monday, May 8

I Know How David Blaine Feels


David Blaine, who spent an entire week submerged in a sphere of water in an attempt to set the record for . . . the longest anyone has ever spent submerged in a sphere of water, has failed to reach his second goal, which was to hold his breath for nine minutes, breaking the world record of 8 minutes 58 seconds. After freeing himself from shackles around the 6 minute mark, Blaine struggled and was removed from the tank with the assistance of divers just past the seventh minute.

This reminds me of the time when I was in high school and I decided I wanted to be the first person ever to bike across the United States. So I bought a bike and began training. Every day I would ride around my neighborhood – 8 miles, 10 miles, 15 miles, until finally I rode 25 miles down the Long Island coast and back home, where I realized that my dream was an impossibility. No man could ever endure such a hardship . . .

Wait, you’re saying someone’s actually done this before? MORE THAN ONCE?! They have tours that take families on bike trips across the country? Well . . . I guess that just goes to show you how silly these kinds of stunts can be. Because whether you achieve success or failure, Yahoo news will still be concerned with more important things even after you almost drown in a pool of your own hubris.













This is a serious matter. I’ve heard butterflies can be extremely dangerous, especially when angered after being chased through a pasture with a large net on a pole. They have been known to respond with aggressive tactics, such as landing on your nose and tickling you.

Update!: According to an article in “The Peninsula” (Qatar’s Leading English Daily) “Blaine has rashes on his body, and his heart has now adapted to life under water which makes his return to the outside more complicated.”

COME ON YAHOO! THE MAN’S TURNING INTO A SEA MONSTER BEFORE OUR EYES!

21 Comments:

BI:

I'm confused. If David Blaine's heart had adapted to life underwater, wouldn't he have been able to beat the record? Who is the world record holder? Why hasn't Yahoo found this merman? Now that would be newsworthy.

By Blogger Leezer, at 11:51 PM  

Swarms of butterflies are no laughing matter.

A moment of silence, please, for all those whose lives were cut tragically short at the hands of these horrific, bloodthirsty creatures.

As you were...

By Blogger K, at 12:27 AM  

Coincidentally, Qatar's leading English monthly, JUGGS, has a feature on golden showers.

But you wouldn't know that if you relied solely on (makes air quotations with hand and sneers) the "Mainstream" Media.

By Blogger ducklet, at 9:04 AM  

You know what's worse than a swarm of angry suicidal butterflies?

Army worms.

And you know what's worse than being trapped in a water-filled bubble for a week?

David Blaine.

That dude is fucking nuts. There's a point you cross from being adventureous to being just plain crazy. He was most probably the kid on the playground that everyone picked on when he said he could hang from the monkey bars the longest and everyone left him out there after they realized that watching a seven year old dangle from a jungle gym was less than exciting. Now he's doing it in central park.

Will he ever learn?

By Blogger Jenni, at 9:22 AM  

It reminds ME of the time I tried to see how many Altoids I could put in my mouth at once. I got to about 14 of them and then couldn't close my mouth.

By Blogger threetoedsloth, at 12:22 PM  

Watching Blaine try to accomplish this feat was perhaps the most boring thing I have ever watched and if I had been in control of the remote, it wouldn't have lasted more than 30 seconds. Gah.

Those pruney hands are HOTTT though. And the crying? Awesome.

By Blogger liberalbanana, at 1:09 PM  

I agree with Jenni. That dude is a freak. No one cares if he can stay underwater for a week, never mind 9 minutes. What will he do next for attention? Sever an appendage? Care to take bets on which appendage it might be?

By Blogger Leezer, at 1:10 PM  

David Blain has turned into a complete DUMBASS right before our eyes, I think. I used to think he was pretty ok, when all he did was go around freaking people out by floating in front of them, or whatever, but all of this standing on top of a tall poll action and living in ice blocks and bubbles filled with water? C'mon. Enough already. He and Tom Cruise need to move in with Michael Jackson and let the world be the way it should be from now on.

By Blogger Faith, at 2:28 PM  

I think we're safe from the butterflies since dearth = scarcity. The article was actually refering to the fact that there are very few butterflies in California.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:38 PM  

anon - i was just getting ready to say that and you beat me to it.

By Blogger Carrie Broadshoulders, at 3:16 PM  

The point isn't that "dearth" means "scarcity." The point is that butterflies can still be dangerous, and that the worst thing to do in these types of situations is to make fun of people who don't know what the word "dearth" means. Also, it was late and I had just stared at David Blaine in a tank of water for seven straight minutes. I'm lucky I spelled Yahoo right.

By Blogger the belligerent intellectual, at 3:22 PM  

The commercial I saw about David Blaine breaking the record said that he was going to do it "or die trying." I feel totally jipped.

By Blogger Hope, at 3:52 PM  

How is the worst thing to do is to make fun of people? Personally, I think it's the best thing to do. One, you get to make fun of somebody and feel smart all at once. And two, if you are within hitting distance of the person you are mocking, the worst case scenario is that you will create better, more interesting news.

By Blogger Rebecca, at 3:54 PM  

Hope absolutely wins for Best Joke About David Blaine.

Rebecca absolutely wins for Most Likely To Start a Bar Fight With Me If We Ever Meet.

Both admirable achievements.

By Blogger the belligerent intellectual, at 4:17 PM  

Yay! And I could totally kick your ass, too...

By Blogger Rebecca, at 5:05 PM  

Rebecca, did you not read the post where I said I was TRAINED IN KARATE. Killing someone with your bare hands is a lot like riding a bike - the screaming never stops, in your head.

By Blogger the belligerent intellectual, at 5:12 PM  

Ooohhh... I'm sure your 9 months 10 years ago are really going to mean you could kill me. I mean, I didn't threaten you with my mad fencing skills, did I? And I may have ensured that one guy I fenced can no longer have children. Plus you're in New York. I can freely threaten away!

And you might want to have the screaming voices in your head checked out. In my professional medical opinion (ie being the daughter of a doctor), that's not healthy.

By Blogger Rebecca, at 5:18 PM  

Babies can breathe in water right after they are born because their lungs have learned to seperate oxygen from liquid. OUCH DAVID! You were beaten by a whole horde of babies!

And that last photo reminds me of something, Ii just can't put my finger on it.

By Blogger Janet, at 5:39 PM  

he should perform one final stunt that really caters to the audience. for example, he could allow a giant anaconda to swallow him whole and we could watch the digestion and excretion process as narrated by john madden. now that would be some good watching. watching a man prune, not so much.

By Anonymous fabs., at 6:26 PM  

I thought that meant Dearth Butterfly was going to crush the Rebellion. This blog IS great. I did see a b-fly slamming itself into my building today (in CA). Maybe it's a kamikazee or maybe it was trying to get in to kill us all. Consider yourselves warned.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 3:47 PM  

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By Anonymous Masked Magician, at 12:32 PM  

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