• I can’t think of anything more painful than listening to attorneys discuss hypothetical legal situations for the fun of it, starting each sentence with,” Right . . .” before going off on a tangent in the other direction, back and forth saying the same thing seven different ways.
Lawyer 1: “Right, well you can’t include the interest.”
Lawyer 2: “Right, well you could include the interest if it was outlined in the agreement.”
Lawyer 1: “Right, well if the interest is included in the agreement you can factor that in.”
Lawyer 2: “Right, but if there’s no provision for the interest you can’t take that into consideration.”
It got to the point where I had to get up from my desk and go to the bathroom. I even cried a little at the urinal, which is even more awkward than it sounds.
• T[he] J[ewiest] J[ew] just peaked his head into my office and asked me how he could tell if the water in the electric kettle was really boiled (?!).
TJJ: “How can I tell if it worked, because the last time I tried it was iced cold.”
Me: (twisting a letter opener into my thigh) “You could open the lid and see if it’s steaming.”
TJJ: “Good idea.” (said while walking down the hallway after leaving halfway through my reply)
Some headlines need exclamation points. This is absolutely one of them.
• Last Sunday my friend Scott convinced me and some other friends to join him in a basketball game for a rec league he joined. Apparently the other four members of his team couldn’t make the game, so we were the official substitutes. His pitch was, “Oh, we won’t win. But it’ll be fun.”
Now, I’m not bad at basketball by any means, but by no means am I good. Also, I’m not what many people consider “tall.” Also, I haven’t played any sort of organized basketball since I was about 20, and even then the term “organized” should be taken only to mean that everyone was wearing sneakers.
On top of that, we got the time of the game wrong, so we showed up 45 minutes late, meaning we basically put our game shirts on and started playing. On top of that, the smallest game shirt size available was XL, meaning that we looked like children, albeit children with hair on our faces. ON TOP OF THAT, the other team was made up mostly of tall black guys.
What ensued was a sporting comedy for the ages. Scott described it thusly:
There are two things I can liken it to:
1) We were like the team that plays the Harlem Globetrotters. A bunch of white guy trying really hard while the other team is spinning the ball on their fingers, using trampolines and pulling down the referee's shorts.
2) The old Saturday Night Live commercial for Bad Idea jeans. Scene: a bunch of white guys stretching before a basketball game saying things like “I know the affair is over but I'm going to tell my wife anyway and I know I should have used protection but when is the next time I'm going to Haiti?” And then they challenge these huge black guys to a game of basketball.
• O.J. Simpson’s quote from The Kentucky Derby on why he bet on a horse named Lawyer Ron: “I love lawyers, I know all about lawyers. If there was a Lawyer Johnnie, Lord knows, I'd put my house on it.” Also, O.J. apparently has a new TV show coming out called “Juiced” in which he pulls Candid Camera-like pranks on people. In one scene he tries to sell the infamous white Bronco he used to flee police before his arrest to an unsuspecting woman, telling her, “It was good for me it helped me get away.”
I’m not positive, but if I killed two people I don’t think I would have the balls to joke about it to the media. I mean, I see what he’s trying to do – he figures that it makes him look more innocent to make jokes about it. You know, like that time I broke my mom’s favorite vase, and when she asked me who did it I said, “I don’t know it wasn’t me. But we’ll need some inVASive surgery to put it back together.” Same concept, but instead of “breaking a vase” substitute “slashing a throat.” Oh wait, but then the pun won’t work.