The Daily Dump

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Friday, May 12

Office Conversations, Non-Playoff Basketball And O.J. Simpson Being Funny


I can’t think of anything more painful than listening to attorneys discuss hypothetical legal situations for the fun of it, starting each sentence with,” Right . . .” before going off on a tangent in the other direction, back and forth saying the same thing seven different ways.

Lawyer 1: “Right, well you can’t include the interest.”

Lawyer 2: “Right, well you could include the interest if it was outlined in the agreement.”

Lawyer 1: “Right, well if the interest is included in the agreement you can factor that in.”

Lawyer 2: “Right, but if there’s no provision for the interest you can’t take that into consideration.”

It got to the point where I had to get up from my desk and go to the bathroom. I even cried a little at the urinal, which is even more awkward than it sounds.

T[he] J[ewiest] J[ew] just peaked his head into my office and asked me how he could tell if the water in the electric kettle was really boiled (?!).

TJJ: “How can I tell if it worked, because the last time I tried it was iced cold.”

Me: (twisting a letter opener into my thigh) “You could open the lid and see if it’s steaming.”

TJJ: “Good idea.” (said while walking down the hallway after leaving halfway through my reply)

100 Oil-Coated Penguins Dead in Argentina!!!

Some headlines need exclamation points. This is absolutely one of them.

Last Sunday my friend Scott convinced me and some other friends to join him in a basketball game for a rec league he joined. Apparently the other four members of his team couldn’t make the game, so we were the official substitutes. His pitch was, “Oh, we won’t win. But it’ll be fun.”

Now, I’m not bad at basketball by any means, but by no means am I good. Also, I’m not what many people consider “tall.” Also, I haven’t played any sort of organized basketball since I was about 20, and even then the term “organized” should be taken only to mean that everyone was wearing sneakers.

On top of that, we got the time of the game wrong, so we showed up 45 minutes late, meaning we basically put our game shirts on and started playing. On top of that, the smallest game shirt size available was XL, meaning that we looked like children, albeit children with hair on our faces. ON TOP OF THAT, the other team was made up mostly of tall black guys.

What ensued was a sporting comedy for the ages. Scott described it thusly:

There are two things I can liken it to:


1) We were like the team that plays the Harlem Globetrotters. A bunch of white guy trying really hard while the other team is spinning the ball on their fingers, using trampolines and pulling down the referee's shorts.


2) The old Saturday Night Live commercial for Bad Idea jeans. Scene: a bunch of white guys stretching before a basketball game saying things like “I know the affair is over but I'm going to tell my wife anyway and I know I should have used protection but when is the next time I'm going to Haiti?” And then they challenge these huge black guys to a game of basketball.

O.J. Simpson’s quote from The Kentucky Derby on why he bet on a horse named Lawyer Ron: “I love lawyers, I know all about lawyers. If there was a Lawyer Johnnie, Lord knows, I'd put my house on it.” Also, O.J. apparently has a new TV show coming out called “Juiced” in which he pulls Candid Camera-like pranks on people. In one scene he tries to sell the infamous white Bronco he used to flee police before his arrest to an unsuspecting woman, telling her, “It was good for me it helped me get away.”

I’m not positive, but if I killed two people I don’t think I would have the balls to joke about it to the media. I mean, I see what he’s trying to do – he figures that it makes him look more innocent to make jokes about it. You know, like that time I broke my mom’s favorite vase, and when she asked me who did it I said, “I don’t know it wasn’t me. But we’ll need some inVASive surgery to put it back together.” Same concept, but instead of “breaking a vase” substitute “slashing a throat.” Oh wait, but then the pun won’t work.

21 Comments:

You can't get much more sad than 100 dead Oil-coated penguins...except for maybe 100 dead oil-coated baby seals, or a few dead oil-coated puppies.

Which once again reiterates why we should operate our motor vehicles with Frappuccino.

By Blogger Jenni, at 3:02 PM  

Wait, you're serious about the O.J. thing? Even if he didn't do it, the people are still dead! He's making a joke out of something that occured because people were murdered, whether he did it or not. What is the world coming to?

By Blogger Hope, at 3:03 PM  

That last part made me giggle like a little girl...wait...I am a girl... and I am sort of little. Thanks for the laugh.

By Blogger HelloBettyLou, at 3:08 PM  

What is the world coming to when a longtime reader thinks I'm serious about something? And O.J. Simpson nonetheless?!

I'm disappointed. No wait, I'm not disppointed, just hungry.

By Blogger the belligerent intellectual, at 3:13 PM  

I think the Bronco prank is lame. What he should do for a candid camera show is dress up all in black and jump out from the bushes in front of someone's house with a knife yelling "I'll kill you you cheatin' whore" and then when he gets close to them, he say's something like "oh...sorry, I thought you were someone else...this isn't 213 Main Street? It's 123 Main Street?...okay...thanks...sorry I called you a cheatin' whore...unless you are one."

That's what reality TV needs--more fearless edgy comedy. It'll be like when Andy Kaufman was still alive, or like before you found out that nutrasweet gives you cancer.

By Blogger HomeImprovementNinja, at 3:52 PM  

Washington Generals. That's the name of the white guys who played the HGs.

But the only thing sadder than 100 oil soaked penguins is 100 oil soaked penguins and me without my "slip n' slide" and bowling pins.

By Blogger Gypsy Rose, at 4:14 PM  

Ah... back when SNL was funny...

By Blogger Rebecca, at 4:26 PM  

I think you should have waited a little longer before linking to Scott because "What's Not Funny... Yet" is Scott's blog.

By Blogger Libby Mae Brown, at 4:34 PM  

The funniest thing about Scott's blog is that I don't think he even remembers that he has a blog.

By Blogger the belligerent intellectual, at 4:40 PM  

I think homeimprovementninja's idea is a very good one. If only because if OJ tried to use the "it helped me get away" line when attempting to sell his Bronco, we could all say, Uh, no it didn't. You got caught. After you drove around for a while WITH THE WHOLE WORLD WATCHING AS YOU DID IT, and then returned to your house where you'd attempted to escape from in the first place...yeah, that's not "getting away" in the most definable sense of the phrase.

Anyway, both of you guys made me laugh...and now I'm gonna go see if homeimprovementninja's as funny on his blog as he was in his comment...

By Blogger Faith, at 4:44 PM  

dude, OJ was totally innocent.

i refuse to believe that our justice system would let us down like that.

or maybe i'm just a huge naked gun fan.

i'm not sure.

By Blogger donsky, at 5:27 PM  

I thought "Juiced" was the name of Barry Bonds' new show. Oh bwahahahahaLOLROFLMAObleh.

Also, I think Andy Kaufman is still alive...

By Anonymous Leah, at 5:27 PM  

That wasn't obvious....

By Blogger [Disgrundled], at 5:30 PM  

BI:

Lawyers: "Right" = "no,you dumbshit" (but I guess you know this)

O.J.: Hubris isn't a strong enough word . . .

By Blogger Leezer, at 6:13 PM  

I loved the Bad Idea jeans sketch.

"Now that I have kids, I feel a lot better having a gun in the house."

By Blogger p_is_for_payj, at 6:35 PM  

What was the final score of your game?

By Blogger Neil, at 12:53 AM  

Your game sounds like an anti-drug awareness fundraiser: The white, small coppers against the big buff fire-stoppers.

And O.J.'s reasoning about Lawyer Ron proves that he is mentalling disturbed. It couldn't have been those murders, now could it?

By Blogger Janet, at 9:10 PM  

I don't understand how trying to make some idiot buy O.J.'s Bronco is a "prank", as the word prank implies funny. O.J. is pretty much the antithesis of funny, except in a "isn't the American justice system messed up" kind of way.

By Blogger NancyPearlWannabe, at 11:50 AM  

Right.... OJ pulling pranks on unsuspecting people sounds like a great concept to me. Where do I sign up to help out with that show.

By Blogger Julie_Gong, at 12:29 PM  

If you'd like to tell OJ perosnally, I have his number in my phone. I am not lying. I also have his NExtel bill from October 2002. I really hope he doesn't read your blog.

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