The Daily Dump

A place where everyone (me) is welcomed to express their opinions openly and honestly. I encourage free thinking, free wheeling, off-the-cuff banter and monetary donations.

Thursday, May 18

Once Again, The Sluttiest Dresser Proves Unreliable

I should have seen it coming. It was like a long courtship with the girl in the micro-mini at the bar who just keeps ordering drinks and putting her hand on your chest when you make a joke and you keep thinking, “This is too good to be true,” until the end of the night when she vomits in the men’s room and her friend carries her home. Only instead of a bar, it’s my apartment. And instead of ordering drinks and putting her hand on my chest, it’s telling me she can’t wait to take over my lease and offering to buy my unwanted furniture. And instead of vomiting and stumbling home, she “got recruited for this amazing colorist job” (the fuck?) which might or might not have her moving to Los Angeles.

I’m not bitter because she wants to chase her dream of coloring people’s hair in Los Angeles. I’m bitter because chasing her dream to color people’s hair in Los Angeles means I have one week to find someone to take my apartment. What’s next, a perky blond rolling in, falling in love with the place, and then, mere hours before coming in to sign the lease, being recruited by the World Health Organization to cure bird flu?

I’m also bitter because coloring people’s hair in Los Angles is a stupid dream, and now some kid in Rochester won’t grow up to invent the artificial brain, because everyone knows there are only a limited number of dreams to go around.

UPDATE: After a brief conversation with a friend, I was reminded that I have this girl’s entire background history, leading to this email exchange:

Me: “The best part? Me having an extensive amount of background information on her, including her current address and cell phone number. Actually, that might be the bad part, because this email will turn up as evidence at the hearing.”

John: “Screw that. We just found our activity for late night on Saturday after we're drunk for James' birthday. ‘WHO WANTS TO PLAY HARASSMENT!?!?!’”

Me: “Yeah, as long as it's not my cell phone (because she knows the number) then ALL RULES ARE OFF! Except for actually threatening her life, which I think is definitely illegal, although we have already established, through jerry, what you can accomplish with the power of suggestion.”

Note – Jerry, whose gay tattoos are mentioned here, was a guy we occasionally hung out with until he decided to remain friends with a girl who cheated (severely) on our buddy. After that, we prank called him from Maui posing as a fortune teller, warning him of a bleak future including a fire of some sort. Without the applicable New York statutes open in front of me, I’m reluctant to say more than that.

UPDATE 2: Before I even had time to post the update that she called back and said that she was not moving to Los Angeles and, in fact, she DID want the apartment, I get an email from her saying that, in really fact, she’s not taking the apartment because she’s not moving anymore. The really good news is that any violence towards her from the point on can be considered self-defense.

Judge: “How does the defendant plead?”

Me: “Not guilty by reason of she was causing me an aneurysm and this was the only way to stop her.”

Judge: “Beating her with a rock was the only way to stop her?”

Me: “Yes, she was quite resistant, and my fist wasn’t having the effect I was hoping.”

UPDATE 3: My first response to a new craigslist ad:

“How are you^^
looking for studio.
I'd like to make appoinment for viewing.
My name is lee.
phone no. xxx-xxxx
thank you.”



BI - Bummer for you. But good news for us since this will most likely result in another hilarious blog entry, right? (silence) Right? (more silence)...

By Blogger Cherry Ride, at 12:19 PM  

If you will find a post about me locating and terrorizing this girl hilarious, then yes there is a good chance of that.

By Blogger the belligerent intellectual, at 12:24 PM  

That ho. What's a colorist? Is it like a stevedor?

If I was a Buddhist, I'd say these things are happening to you to teach you the lesson of patience. Oh, and to give you more material with which to amuse us morons.

By Blogger Leezer, at 12:35 PM  

I was previously unaware of the cap on the number of dreams achieved. Perhaps that explains why my "Unicorn polo game with Carebears" dream has yet to be fulfilled. Hair colorists have all the luck.

By Blogger Whatever, at 12:39 PM  

"What’s next...being recruited by the World Health Organization to cure bird flu?"

That is awesome. You are my hero.

By Blogger mance01, at 12:46 PM  

I've got bird flu under control so you can strike that off your list of worries.

By Blogger Margaret, at 12:52 PM  

i'm surprised at you, being a well-respected (insert your profession here, i'm not sure what it is you do exactly). one mistake by a single slutty dresser is no reason to make a blanket statement about the fine qualities of slutty dressers in general.

By Blogger ducklet, at 12:52 PM  

I'm in Rochester right now inventing an artificial brain. There's still hope (no pun intended)!

By Blogger Hope, at 1:05 PM  

i'd like to say that as a slutty dresser i am VERY reliable and have no dreams involving touching other peoples' hair.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 1:10 PM  

Oh Good Lord, you should never base anything on the sluttiest dresser...
It's the one with the biggest boobs that's the most reliable! Didn't your mother teach you anything?

By Blogger ƒåυνέ, at 1:31 PM  

Here in WA we have telephone harassment law (i think it's a misdemeanor) defined as numerous phone calls for no particular reason or something. So you and your buddies should call her every ten seconds or so for the next few days, and as long as you don't threaten to harm her and you DO have a purpose, i.e. telling her she's a flaky ho, then you're good.

By Blogger Leezer, at 2:18 PM  

I'm suddenly realizing how I got my apartment...

By Blogger p_is_for_payj, at 2:33 PM  

Do that practical joke with the dead hooker, that never gets old. You know, the one from the Godfather Part II. Remember? You wait 'till he goes to sleep, then you put a dead hooker in his bed. That gets funnier every time I do it to someone. Or that other practical joke from Godfather I. You know, where you wait for him to fall asleep then put a severed horse's head in his bed. That's funny too, but not as funny as the hooker thing. Or you could wait 'till he falls asleep, then put his hand a glass of warm water so he pees himself. THen when he wakes up and finds out he peed himself and thinks he killed a hooker and decapitated horse, man...the look on his face!

By Blogger HomeImprovementNinja, at 2:37 PM  

I hope one day YOUR DAUGHTER is not the scapegoat of childlish, mean-spirited tactics. Think how you would feel is she got harrassed because of an apt?????

Silly, silly.

By Blogger belligerent mother, at 3:35 PM  

I can vouch for the big boobs thing. I have 'em, and I am a VERY trustworthy girl. I'd never fuck you over like the slutty dressed girl did.

Too bad I'm not in need of an apartment in NY, eh? Good luck finding her replacement fast!

By Blogger Faith, at 3:37 PM  

All joking aside, listen to your mother.

By Blogger Leezer, at 3:39 PM  

I say call all the salons in LA and tell them (insert slutty dresser's name) used to work for you and she stole the money from your salon and they should definitely not hire her. Since you're a guy, you may want to lisp a little and call her a bitch a lot so that they believe you own a hair salon.

By Blogger Carrie Broadshoulders, at 4:05 PM  

Sigh. Everyone knows slutty dressers are most likely to be UNreliable... See, they dress slutty because they want attention. Which ya know. Whatever floats your boat. BUT. This means that they have gotten used to getting attention which a. means they are used to getting away with more fluffy crap because guys think with their penises and b.means if you don't shower them with enough attention, they will leave you high and dry for a hair salon.

By Blogger Rebecca, at 4:18 PM  

The last thing I would want is a colorist who decides at the last minute that "no, I don't think that color looks right." And changes it without telling me.

(And we women complain about *men* with commitment issues?? She's the poster-girl.)

By Blogger Mollypalooza, at 4:28 PM  

My guess? She's balls-ass crazy and probably on leave from a "home". She's has delusions of grandeur. (Actually, it seems she has delusions of mediocrity) Next week she'll boast of a following her destiny to be an artist, a sandwich artist in Toledo.

By Blogger Whatever, at 5:13 PM  

"The really good news is that any violence towards her from the point on can be considered self-defense."

HA! I love you, man. And I'm not even gonna make fun of the incorrect word used in that sentence because I didn't notice it the first time I read it, plus you're kind of down on your luck right now. (But be assured that as soon as you are able to get out of this apartment-renting-fiasco thing, I will be back to mocking you shamelessly. Because it's fun for me...)

By Blogger Faith, at 5:31 PM  

Rebecca is correct. I think your next Craiglist ad should be, "Apt. to sublet - looking for flat-chested and big-nosed librarian (glasses optional) with thick ankles."

By Blogger Leezer, at 5:43 PM  

I resent the fact that you believe I will never find a cure for the bird flu. I also resent the fact that you're probably right...unless of course the anecdote is within a Dirty Kettle One Martini with extra olives and a twist.

By Blogger Jenni, at 5:51 PM  

What about the other girls you turned down? Are any of them still available? You know, the prudish looking ones?

By Blogger mysterygirl!, at 5:58 PM  

Even the rejects pile isn't getting back to me. It's like that movie where the guy is holding out for the hot girl to go to the prom with him, and when she dumps him it's too late to ask any of the girls that wanted to go with him in the first place. You know the one.

By Blogger the belligerent intellectual, at 6:14 PM  

Seriously, email me...where is the place? and how much?

By Blogger Naj, at 8:33 PM  

I just got through apartment hunting via Craigslist. My experience wasn't nearly as awesome as yours though.

By Blogger Momentary Academic, at 9:02 AM  

"Even the rejects pile isn't getting back to me. It's like that movie where the guy is holding out for the hot girl to go to the prom with him, and when she dumps him it's too late to ask any of the girls that wanted to go with him in the first place. You know the one."

Yeah, it's called "Every other teen movie." God, I'm getting tired of that scenario. Why is it so popular, espeically if it happens all the time? Shouldn't people go to the movies to get away from reality? Seriously, who pays $8 to watch last week's heart-breaking regret replayed in painful slow motion?

By Anonymous Scene 6, Take 5, at 11:05 AM  

you seem like you would have nice feet....soft soles, good arch, well kept you?

btw, i think you're more a deep thinker and with time on your hands rather than an intellectual...but maybe you're smart and open-minded enough (particularly living in NYC) to know most go both ways, so you can let your bi feelings go and try new having your feet serviced - if they're nice.......

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 5:31 AM  

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