The Daily Dump

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Thursday, May 4

People On Craigslist Are Animals

Since I’m skipping out on my lease one month early, my landlord suggested that I be the one responsible for finding my replacement. Honestly, I don’t mind at all. For one thing, I like the idea of being in control of who lives in my apartment next. Obviously someone not as cool as me, so other tenants in the building will say,

Neighbor#1: “Have you met the new girl in Apt. 11?”

Neighbor#2: “Yeah, she’s alright. But she’s no Dan.”

Also someone who is clean and won’t ruin all the hard work I’ve put into the place by hanging a “Starry Night” print or having a cat. Or wear fake eyelashes. Or be stupid.

I’ve thought about ways to screen prospective tenants, and the best I’ve come up with so far for the initial elimination is by their responses to the ad I put up on Craigslist. First and foremost, I have segregated the responses into two groups: MEN and WOMEN. Then I took the MEN group and deleted the emails. The way I see it if have to invite strangers into my home, they’re at least going to be strange women. Sounds sexist, I know. But when I was in college and we would go out to bars, and there would be a group of hot girls hanging out with a guy, I would offer to buy all the hot girls a drink but not the guy. And you know what? Always worked out pretty good.

Next I read the replies from the women. Besides “determining gender,” this is the easiest way to separate the winners from the losers. A few people who will not be getting the apartment:

Hi! We are Flavia and Bruna (26 years old), two Italian journlists. We have red your post on Craigslist and it would be gorgeous rent your apt! . . . We would rent the apt for 3 months, because our work ends at the end of september. Let us know if is it possible. We are funny and easy-going, and we aren't noise . . . Contact us if you want to know something else about us. Thank you and greatings from sunny Italy


Flavia & Bruna

While I would really, really love to meet Flavia & Bruna (I imagine their names being said by a circus announcer), this email was clearly written in Italian and plugged into a free online translation service. And my Italian isn’t what it used to be. And it used to suck.


Flavia & Bruna

Hello,


I was wondering if I could view this studio tomorrow? I can view it at around 6:30 if that is convenient for you! I am a professional female, with a loong day from 8-6.. I am basically the perfect tenant! I am in great standing with previous landlords and could get references if needed. Thanks so much!

I just know she would show up with a Diet Coke in her hand and would use the word “really” in front of every adjective, and she would smell like “Bath and Body Works.” And if she’s attractive, I’ll think “Oh, she’s sweet.” And if she’s not I’ll think “Hmm, annoying.” And I don’t want to put either of us in the middle of that moral dilemma.


Just the situation I was hoping to avoid.

Hello-


I saw your post on Craigslist and am very interested to see the apartment you have available for rent. I am currently living in Long Island City, but must move because our building has been sold.


To tell you a little about myself: I am a woman in my 30s who makes independent animated films (my last film was recently bought by the NY Public Library). As well I teach animation in the NYC public schools to elementary school children in an afterschool program


To see more information about my work in animation, please visit the New York Foundation for the Arts website: http://www.nyfa.org/nyfa_artists_detail.asp?pid=5295


On a personal level, I am very clean, organized (animation has instilled this in me), quiet, nonsmoker, and extremely respectful of other people's property. The other tenant would be my boyfriend, who worked as a merchant marine and in the Navy in Bulgaria, and is now working long hours for a commercial moving company. He plans to enter a pre-law night school program in the fall. Like me, he is clean, responsible, and takes very good care of our living space.


If we strike you as prospective tenants, please call me on my cell at xxxxxxxx and we could arrange a time to meet and view the space.


Thank you very much and I look forward to hearing from you.

Zzzzzzzzz . . . huh, what happened? The last thing I remember I was reading an email and suddenly it’s morning. And I have a pen sticking out of the back of my hand.


“I just want a friend.”

Hi – how big is it?

I’m not sure which one of my Craigslist ads you are replying to. And it would be really embarrassing if I wrote back 500sf. Or 8 inches. Either way, this probably isn’t going to work out.

Finally, once I narrowed down the 10,000 responses to a manageable group, I set up a group showing for this afternoon where a boyhood dream of mine will be fulfilled and I will be giving a tour of my bathroom to seven strange women. “No, I’m pretty sure it’s a full size shower. You should be able to fit eight people in, that’s how you measure. Girls? Get in here, Sandy wants to see if this is a full size shower . . .”

Also, my friend Matt offered to come over and help: “NEXT” … as I shout from the kitchen making myself a drink. My judgment only based on the looks on your faces.

Should be an interesting process. I’ll be sure to take pictures of the prospective tenants when they aren’t looking. And then when they turn around and say, “Did you just take a picture of me?” I’ll hide the camera behind my back and say, “No.” And when they say, “What do you have behind your back?” I’ll say, “Nothing.” And then I’ll hit them over the head with a telephone. Interesting indeed.

18 Comments:

561? isn't that west palm beach's area code?

and, uh, why do i care?

By Blogger kat, at 4:18 PM  

So if you have to find the new tenant, does that mean you get to charge a broker fee?

By Blogger Libby Mae Brown, at 4:24 PM  

Nice post! I'm impressed by your creativity in luring unsuspecting ladies into your, uh, shower. Did you request that they all wear white t-shirts as well? Cause that would be super.

By Blogger Sexy Lexi, at 4:25 PM  

When I was searching for apartments in NYC on Craigslist, I ran across one where the rent was free, and I would be living there alone. The catch was that the renter would have to "sleep in the same bed" as me once a month, as he would be in town on business. I also had to send him a head and body shot to prove I was good looking.

Of course I told my dad about it, and said... "hey, it's a FREE apartment in NYC... and I get to have SEX!"

He really liked that.

By Blogger Erin Mc, at 4:27 PM  

I wouldn't rent to anyone who wants to know if it's a full sized tub. In my experience the only people who ask about stuff like that are the ones who want to dismember dead hookers in their bathrooms. And I'm not even talking about the almost normal people who find an already dead hooker in an alley then take her upstairs to dismember her, I'm talking about the real freaks who bring them home when they are still alive, then do something that makes them into dead hookers, then dismembers them.

Yesh, don't let someone like that sublet your place 'cuz then the landlord gives you a hardtime about the security deposit...is my point.

By Blogger HomeImprovementNinja, at 4:35 PM  

Gotta love Craigslist. Good luck with the ladies.

By Blogger ❉ pixie ❉, at 4:46 PM  

I undertsand that Abraham Lincoln routinely slept in the same bed as his collegue Joshua Speed when the were travelling, which apparently prompted Speed's remark about Lincoln's "magnificent thighs." This bears no relation whatsoever to your post today, BI, but I just wanted to share.

By Blogger Leezer, at 5:00 PM  

Your shower size-estimation scenario is pure genius. And really funny. (yes, that was a "really" in front of an adjective)

And, I appreciate your honesty in determining if a girl is "sweet" or "annyoing" based on how attractive she is. Very scientific.

By Blogger undercover celebrity, at 5:24 PM  

Flavia and Bruna - Definitely NOT noise.

By Blogger David, at 5:42 PM  

You had me at 8 inches.

By Blogger Carrie Broadshoulders, at 10:18 PM  

Hi – how big is it?

By Blogger shirley, at 12:11 AM  

What happens when your tenet comes up to find you in the middle of a room, holding a telephone with seven women sprawled on the floor?

Also, I would like to congratulate these seven women. They accomplished quite a feat by being selected by Dan. This reminds me of a movie or something. The Price is Right? no...

By Blogger Janet, at 1:06 AM  

You should have had a reality show made out of this. If women are vying to be Flavor Flav's girlfriend and people will watch, they'd certainly watch women vying to sublet your apartment.

By Blogger Hope, at 9:04 AM  

You know, the more I read your blog, the more amazed I am that you still have a girlfriend... and a non-horribly embarrassed relationship with your parents. I don't know whether to be impressed by their patience and open-mindedness or by your audacity and upfrontness.

By Blogger Rebecca, at 10:42 AM  

I think the safe thing to do is just be impressed by it all.

By Blogger the belligerent intellectual, at 11:13 AM  

Impressed, bewildered, befuddled...

And as a sidenote, why do we not use words like "wildered" or "fuddled?" I shall add getting these words to be used to my grammar/vocab goals.

By Blogger Rebecca, at 2:18 PM  

Many people are saying www.nyposting.com is the new and improved craigslist...i tried it, and it looked promising.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 4:05 PM  

Some guy posted an ad on Craigslist here in DC that I responded to. He needed a girl to help him show his condo, which he was renting. I got to be the gal who helped let people in and then show them around the building. I still can't believe I did that - he could've been a creep! He said next time he rents it out, if it's summer, he might hire some people to sit at the pool outside his window in bikinis to entice people to move there. Weirdo.

By Blogger liberalbanana, at 3:06 PM  

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