The Daily Dump

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Monday, May 8

Warning: This Post Includes The Word Fellatio. (See? It ruins the surprise.)

Over the weekend, I happened to accidentally tune into Bloodfist III: Forced to Fight, the story of a man who fights for justice in the most ironic of places – prison. Admittedly, I didn’t exactly turn it off when I saw it was coming on, one reason being that I was actually looking for a movie that I could fall asleep to, and also because I have a deep rooted love of karate movies stemming from the nine months of karate training I had when I was 14. (I can still count to ten in Japanese and perform the first Kata, thought not without looking like an utter douche bag in the process.)

But what really kept my attention was the parental warning that flashed across the screen before the movie started. I’m used to the standard content abbreviations – “N” for nudity; “L” for strong language; and “V” for violence. But then I saw an unusual one: “RP” FOR RAPE.

Really? Is that necessary? I see why you need the other ones, why a parent has to know if they’re sitting down to a movie with their child that involves nudity or cursing. But it’s not like the title of the movie was misleading. So do I really need to know ahead of time that there’s going to be a rape scene? Maybe I wanted to be surprised – have a scene with two attractive people standing outside the woman’s front door at the end of a date and have her say, “Well I had a great time,” and have the man say, “I did too,” and then cut quickly to a scene of him forcing his way into her bedroom with a knife and me saying to myself, ‘Boy, I didn’t see that coming.’

But no, there it was two minutes into the movie. A group of rowdy inmates corner a new prisoner in the boiler room and I know what’s coming next: Two lines of dialogue, rape, three more lines of dialogue, then blood, fists and fighting.

My message to the movie rating industry: Choose your battles. Because while you did nothing but ruin Bloodfist III for me, when I sat down a few weeks ago to watch Me and You and Everyone We Know with my mom, it would have been nice to know in advance about the lengthy scene of teenage fellatio as well as the scene where the five year old boy makes out with the strange woman on a park bench, spurring my mom to calmly indicate, “I don’t think I like this movie.”


Oh no! This reminds me of the time I went to the movies with my parents to see Rising Sun, with the disturbingly erotic oral sex/intercourse/strangulation scene in the boardroom... that was a comfortable ten minutes with the folks.

By Anonymous jfm, at 3:18 PM  

Yeah, if we started putting initials for everything that offended people before a show started they'd have to come up with stuff like HS (contains Horatio Sanz) and MES (man-eating sharks). Both scare the bejesus out of me and frankly, I'd love a warning.

By Blogger liberalbanana, at 3:29 PM  

I think all comments on this post will involve an Akward Few Minutes Watching Sex Scene With Parents (AFMWSSWP) anecdote. Mine is this: when the husband and I were in high school I rented Kentucky Fried Movie for my Mom, husband/boyfriend and I to watch together. Awkward moment: Large breasted woman in shower being f*****d from behind while huge bosoms rhythmically smashed against the shower door. My mom wouldn't talk to me for a few days. Neither would the

By Blogger Leezer, at 3:31 PM  

I totally agree. Who says it should stop at rape and violence? How about a IBA warning for "Inaudible British Accents" so I know only to watch if I really feel like paying close attention.

By Blogger the belligerent intellectual, at 3:39 PM  

The real question is, did you get a fantasy fellatio-related semi in front of your mother? I'm willing to bet the answer is yes.

And if so, "Me & You" should really come with a PMB rating, or Potential Maternal Boner.

By Blogger Ace Cowboy, at 3:44 PM  

Other PMB movies include:

Monster's Ball
American Beauty
Brokeback Mountain (wait for it . . .)

By Blogger the belligerent intellectual, at 3:58 PM  

Watching Unfaithful with my parents was pretty much the most uncomfortable two hours of my life. How are you supposed to act in that situation? Really into it, like you're trying to learn something? Really blase, like you do that sort of thing all the time? Really embarassed, like you've never seen this sort of thing before? I guess I went with the latter.

But I totally agree that Me and You and Everyone We Know needed a warning. I gave up halfway through. Teenage fellatio is just not my thang.

By Blogger Hope, at 4:06 PM  

My favorite warning: "Warning, Animated Nudity." It was on an educational castle-building video sophomore year of high school.

And I would have appreciated an ARGV (animated, ridiculously gory violence) warning on Sin City. Or how about BJYWG (British jokes you won't get) warnings? That way, you don't have to sit there feeling slightly dumb and confused. And I think every guy in Tristram Shandy would have enjoyed a PSBFW (Penis smooshed by falling window)warning. I, however, enjoyed the shock.

By Blogger Rebecca, at 4:28 PM  

Teenage fellatio ain't your thang? What are you, some sort of normal person? Poor form.

M & Y & Everyone was easily my favorite movie of 2005, perviness aside.

By Blogger Ace Cowboy, at 4:48 PM  

Last night A (The Date) and I were watching a movie with the folks, Gosford Park, and as they are very, very conservative there were a few moments when it was just... tense. And it probably wouldn't have been if I hadn't laughed out loud when Mindy walks in on moneybags screwing the cook, it might have blown over, but it was just so funny...

Anyway. That movie in particular might have included a SBA (Snobbish British Actors) in the warning along with their L and S.

By Blogger Janet, at 5:09 PM  

I once wittingly rented Sleepwalkers and watched it with my mom. Come the incestuous scene where the mother cat-person fucked the son cat-person, we were both indubitably creeped out.

By Blogger rob, at 7:00 PM  

At least your mom was calm about it! My parents are psycho. My dad watches Skinemax and laughs loudly at sex scenes while my mom just shakes her head and reads a 2-week-old Chinese newspaper. Makes me wonder how they got it together to make me?

By Blogger shirley, at 9:38 PM  

Is it weird that I'm far more freaked out in those situations than my mother? Stuff like that totally doesn't phase her. In fact, if the guy is hot, she's prone to mention it. I remember vividly us watching Dirty Dancing and her remarking on how she wouldn't mind dirty dancing with Patrick Swayze. I am definitely far more uncomfortable in those situations than my mother.

I especially get uncomfortable when there's a scene with a hot naked guy and I feel like my mother is watching me to see how I react. UGH!

By Blogger Carrie Broadshoulders, at 9:41 PM  

I'm 13, the whole family (parents, me, nine-year-old sister, and even my aunt and uncle thrown into the mix for good measure) is assembled in the living room. We pop in "War of the Roses" expecting "Romancing the Stone"-esque zaniness. Instead, within the first few minutes, Michael Douglas is GOING TO TOWN on Kathleen Turner. After a while, I calmly announce to the room that I'll be going upstairs. It is never mentioned again.

By Blogger RetroDragon, at 10:02 PM  

As a young teen, a friend of mine recorded porn on already recorded tapes. Well, his older sister was watching a movie with her new friends from work, and all of the sudden it's his recorded X-rated movie.

She told on him, and his parents got the tape, called him into the room, and made him watch it WITH THEM.

Talk about terrifying.

By Blogger Erin Mc, at 12:12 AM  

Me and You was the worst piece of plotless, pretentious, lazy filth I've seen in ages, although can you really go wrong with awkward teenage fellatio??

By Anonymous eliot, at 3:29 PM  

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