The Daily Dump

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Thursday, June 22

“America’s Got A Lot Of Shitheads”

Unfortunately, I caught five minutes of “America’s Got Talent” last night.

I’ve decided that it would be OK if the studio burned down while this show was being taped. OK in the sense like when a loved one has cancer, and they’ve been fighting it and fighting it for months and months and you know they’re in pain and as much as it saddens you you know it would be better off if they just let go and you sit by their bed and say, “It’s OK, you can let go.” Only instead of a loved one, it’s someone I hate. And instead of a battle with cancer, it’s going on this fucking show. And instead of letting go, it’s more like “being engulfed in a hellfire.”

If this guy was related to me, every Christmas I would give him a box full of crap, until he got the hint.

This woman is giving thumbs down to the balloon guy after he got rejected. Really insightful commentary from someone who probably waited in line to sit in the audience.

When the previous guy brought out a Regis replica made of balloons, this guy in the audience did an enthusiastic “double finger point” while I’m sure screaming, “You’re the man!” I hate him.

A rapping grandma, also known as “the second best act at the Cedarview Nursing Home, behind the guy who sings the ABC’s with his mouth full.”

Is there anything about this guys face that doesn’t say, “I’m annoying”?

If you don’t want to punch this guy in the face as hard as you can, check your pulse because there’s a good chance you’re dead.

After balloon guy got kicked off, he walked off the stage saying “WOW” and using his hands and mouth to form the representation of the letters W-O-W. Get it? Because it looks like WOW, and he’s saying WOW. And that’s funny because in everyday life, we rarely come across objects depicting the noise they are making, so it’s novel. (Seriously, a box full of crap. With a ribbon. And a card with Snoopy on the front and “DIE!” written on the inside.)

This guy thought the WOW trick was so funny, he immediately had to imitate it. I should really go back and watch the video again, because I’m only 60% sure he isn’t mentally handicapped.


I'd rather slit my wrists than watch this show. I mean it's got David Hasselhoff on it right? Seriously, as if my life isn't boring enough I have to watch a group of tools embarrass themselves on national tv? No thanks.

By Blogger Carrie Broadshoulders, at 4:08 PM  


Eleanor Roosevelt said "anyone who has to say she is a lady, isn't." Or maybe it was Jeanine Garafolo - I get them confused. In the same vein, any show with "comedy" or "talent" in the name isn't funny and doesn't have any. Very well done, BI.

By Blogger Leezer, at 4:20 PM  

I haven't watched the show, but I am now dumber for having seen static images of it. Thanks a lot.


By Blogger Cheeseburger, at 4:26 PM  

You got off lucky. You missed the pirate/donkey/dancing thing in the first hour.

By Blogger Paul, at 4:30 PM  

In case it wasn't already abundantly clear, David Hasselhoff is an ex-wife-beating tool of a doucehbag.
I too unfortunately caught a few minutes of last night's show. And after seeing these photos I no longer think "Gee, I wish I woulda watched the rest." (Although Rappin' Grandma is just the kind of car crash I may have liked to have seen in person.)
PS - word verification: craighina (which I believe to be a relative of the hyena).

By Blogger Cherry Ride, at 4:37 PM  

I am SO VERY GLAD I did not see that. Did it burn your eyes?

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 4:40 PM  

The donkey-mini-horse-priate "act" was bad, but the 60-year-old-cowboy-stripper-with-a-wand might just have topped it.

I think his wand had magical powers, DH couldn't get enough of him.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 5:04 PM  

Watching Hassellhoff "dance" to the rapping grandma wasn't even funny in its utter absurdity. It was funny in the way you might find the end of the world funny, like "I can't believe this is actually happening" funny.

By Blogger the belligerent intellectual, at 5:09 PM  

i'll bet the contestants - or whatever they're called - were the same people who in high school invented silly hat day and hawaiian shirt day . . .

word verification: sidfux

By Blogger Leezer, at 5:18 PM  

Paul, he missed something that happened IN THE FIRST HOUR of this show? You mean, it was on for more than half an hour?

Thank god for upper-cable channels, re-runs of Ghost Hunters, and the fact that I chose not to even dignify NBC with my channel-choosing privelages.

WTF is that cow-mask-thing? Hey, at least no one knows who he/she really is, right? Kinda smart when I think about it...

By Blogger Faith, at 5:27 PM  

Please, for your own sake, watch a DVD tonight. A no-risk DVD, preferably something you've already seen and enjoyed. Consider it therapy.

By Blogger Jaime, at 5:33 PM  

There's nothing like when you can actually FEEL your IQ dropping....

I wish thinning of the herd was legal...This show would be so much better if they took on more of a Logan's Run aspect to it.

By Blogger JP, at 5:49 PM  

Wait, there was a donkey dance on network telvision? Not that kind of DD? Maybe I've been to Tijuana one too many times.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 6:22 PM  

That show is terrible! I saw about 30 minutes at my youth group, & we were all sitting there in shock. So bad. And was it just me or did it look like Regis wasn't even in the studio? It was like they filmed his parts seperate.

By Blogger FlippingChipmunk, at 6:35 PM  

Faith - Yes. Two hours. 120 minutes. A million embarassing moments.

By Blogger Paul, at 7:04 PM  

three mouth three, dan.
that is hands down
the angriest blog
you've ever written.

what is it, 2 weeks?
since you moved in with the girlfriend?

I'd hate to see her blog.


ps. you shouldn't have been watching that shite anyway. now shake it off and make with the funny, funny man.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 7:54 PM  

or, "Al-Qaeda's Got A New Recruitment Tape." who wouldn't hate America after watching it? (too far?)

By Blogger Anastasia, at 8:26 PM  

Balloon man disturbs me. I often wonder how these people survive outside of television studios - how does he get through the day, doing that WOW thing and not get punched every 5 seconds?

By Blogger Just, at 4:33 AM  

I'm sorry I didn't get to watch it. (NOT.) But I was busy gettin' my groove on with "So You Think You Can Dance"!!! Oh yeah, baby! Is there a program for reality show addicts? Because I looooove them.

By Blogger liberalbanana, at 7:40 AM  

wow im so glad im in Australia

By Blogger Jasmineflower, at 7:50 AM  

Thank god I missed it. I'm pretty sure my IQ would have gone down by several points, and I can't spare them.

Incidently, most days your posts make me almost pee myself. How did you get so funny?

By Blogger babyoog, at 9:55 AM  

I have banned TV for the summer, mainly because of shit like this. I kept hearing commercials for this show over the radio with the "Rapping Granny" which I don't find at all funny. And having to witness "The Hoff" dancing while she was "rapping" would be enough to make me want to rip out my eyeballs and flush them down the toilet.

I'm sorry you had to see that.

(Everyone else had really funny word verifications but mine is not. It's eqnkdfos...Crap.)

By Blogger Jenni, at 10:22 AM  

While I had better things to do than to watch this crap, I kind of like the rapping grandma. You gotta hand it to her.

Word verification -pdumb

not kidding

By Blogger Softball Slut, at 10:38 AM  

Reading that kind of made me want to be shot.
All of those people deserve to go forth into the firey flames of Hell.

Question for you: Did your eyes and/or ears begin to bleed after you subjected yourself to this crap?

By Blogger Heather B., at 1:01 PM  

The other day I saw a commercial for some nursing home advertising that they were looking for the next "Senior Star," apparently they're doing some sort of talent show. I think I'm going to get drunk and go.

What is the world coming to when David Hasselhoff is judging talent?

By Blogger Hope, at 1:48 PM  

I've been going to bed at 9 lately and now I definitely won't be worrying that I'm missing something exciting on tv.

Thanks for the heads-up, and the funny post.

By Blogger Sexy Lexi, at 1:51 PM  

What astounds me is how seriously all three judges seem to take this job.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:43 PM  

My husband and I watched this horrible excuse for a show, too. The pathetic part is we watched until the very end. At 11 o'clock, we looked at each other and said, "I can't believe we watched that entire show." Two hours of our life wasted. Bad, bad, bad. Even the ventriloquist, who I thought was pretty good, couldn't make it better. I feel a little better knowing we're not the only ones who watched!

By Blogger Carolyn, at 1:33 AM  

I wish "reality television" would just go away. You want reality? TURN OFF THE FRIGGIN' TV AND LOOK AROUND

My new favorite digital cable channels are G4 (Star Trek on multiple times a day) and Sleuth. No reality tv here!

verification word: utggrxnx

all i think of when i see this is Xanax....

Bird Girl

By Blogger Bird Girl, at 3:09 AM  

p.s. It's 12:17 am here in Phoenix, and it's 96 degrees outside.

just sayin'

By Blogger Bird Girl, at 3:28 AM  

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

By Blogger Filthy, at 9:20 AM  

I dont think watching it would be nearly as funny as your post. I would probably sit there, thoroughly embarrassed for these people.

WOW man is probably in sales and marketing. You know the type: smarmy, spineless and completely flexible when it comes to his loyalties. Hes the type to crack this gem out whenever he or whoever he's brown-nosing at the moment pitches a 'great' idea.

Box of shit is righ!

By Blogger Filthy, at 9:22 AM  

I loathe this show. It is a big bunch of ugly untalented annoying ignorant americans. That Russian queen with the angel wings? The one that cried? Don't even get me started.
That finger snapping motherfucker with the black died hair and mustache? That fat hillbilly kid with the cute brother playing the harmonica? Doooooont eeeeeeeven get me started.

One Million Dollars?

What a shame. Face it......this country has gone to shit.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 12:23 AM  

Learn how to spell fool not tool and stop bashing people. These are there dreams and opportunities!!! so don't hate congrulate.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 12:05 PM  

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