The Daily Dump

A place where everyone (me) is welcomed to express their opinions openly and honestly. I encourage free thinking, free wheeling, off-the-cuff banter and monetary donations.

Thursday, June 29

The Band Aid As Fashion, An Indefensible Position


In college I was considered by many some myself to be a pretty argumentative person. I was always “the devil’s advocate” – in English classes I would argue that symbolism in The Tempest is a clear indication that Christopher Marlowe was writing all the works attributed to Shakespeare, and in my philosophy classes I would argue that Wittgenstein’s theory of atomic facts actually broadened the horizons of an Epistemological dialogue (Oh the folly!). Indeed, I once even helped out a friend who had a run in with her RA for burning candles in her dorm by writing a “punishment essay” for her. The topic was supposed to be “Why candles are dangerous and shouldn’t be allowed in dorms” but I just couldn’t pass up the opportunity to argue the importance of candles. I wrote:

The truth of the matter is that candles are dangerous. But so is life. The primary purpose of a college is to educate students, yes. The secondary purpose of college is to prepare students for the workforce and provide the knowledge and skills necessary to develop a career centered around personal and professional success, yes. But the tertiary purpose of college it to also prepare students for the rest of life; the responsibility of owning a home, of paying bills, of being civic minded, and, yes, of not setting those homes that they own on fire.

I then quoted W.B. Yeats (“Education is not the filling of a pail, but the lighting of a fire.”) concluding that:

. . . I understand the danger of candles; but I also understand the danger of the absence of candles. Should a time come when we need to fill our pail, we shall do so. But until then, let the proliferation of our education ignite a fire.

She wasn’t kicked out of the dorms, and I attributed that less to her unrefundable full-year payment than to my irrefutable logic.

So when my friend Scott wore a bacon styled band aid to his own birthday party last week, I felt the need to defend his actions, even while everyone was asking the obvious question: Why is there a strip of bacon on your neck?

Well why wouldn’t you want a strip of bacon on your neck? Not only are pigs delicious, but several countries, including Chile, Germany and China, consider the pig to be good luck. Even Winston Churchill once said, “Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals."

But even more than the pig being a cultural icon of fortune and hope, the “idea” of “pig as bacon” harkens one back to the most pleasant memories of childhood: holiday mornings with presents under the tree and bacon in the frying pan, that smell wafting through the house as you unwrap your Castle Greyskull play set, and the distant chorus of grease popping, Dad crying “Ah shit!” in refrain; those nights at the diner in high school with the waitress you called Flo, who probably spit in your lumberjack special, which at 2:00 in the morning made sense even though the girl with the tongue ring you were sharing it with didn’t; in college, on spring break, when you ate entire breakfasts of bacon and coffee, and if you happened to be drunk already you threw some of the bacon off the balcony of your condo, thinking to your dangerously dehydrated self “flying pigs!”; and at your current age, when a piece of bacon is just another dollar bill stuffed in the g-string of an impending heart attack, still the double edged seduction of bovine on the right and an arterial blockage on the left is not only a dance in which you are willing to partake, but one you will dance with a Latin flair.

So why wear a bacon band aid? Because it’s not a bacon band aid – it’s a calcification of joyful memories covering an open wound, protecting you, healing you, making you look like Nelly, and most importantly showing everyone else that while you may be the hardened cowboy incapable of wearing your heart on your sleeve, you can at least wear your impending heart disease on your sleeve.

_____________________________
Note: In my research, I came across The Band-Aid “Stick With It” Awards. The rules of submission are to tell them, in 200 words or less, of your unique, inspirational story where you could have given up, but you stuck with it. The winner gets a trip to Universal Studios.

I was already halfway through mentally composing my essay about becoming one of the elite roller bladers in my neighborhood growing up when I read the fine print that the contest is “open to kids ages 4- 12 at time of entry.” I guess the line “Together with your parent or guardian share your story and enter for a chance to win!” should have clued me in earlier, but I was just so excited to share my story with the world. Now, in an ironic twist, I feel a little crushed – like I need a Band-Aid myself on the inside.

20 Comments:

BI:
That Stream of Conciousness was very Faulkneresque.

I LOVE your friend Scott for wearing the bacon band-aid. Is he the same Scott that wore the weight belt to help you move out of your apartment?

I gave bacon bandaids as a white elephant gift, along with bacon packing tape, and no one laughed. Can I come to your parties next holiday season?

By Blogger Leezer, at 2:18 PM  

"...like I need a Band-Aid on the inside."

Wah wah waaaaaaaah.

By Blogger Kelly, at 2:26 PM  

The whole bacon as dollar bill stuffed in the g-string thing may be your best quote ever.

By Blogger Libby Mae Brown, at 3:48 PM  

See, it would be better if he used the bandaid as a pick-up line. I mean, think how many ways you could make that dirty. The possibilities are endless! Which I think would be a great argument in favor of something. Sleazy pick-up lines are great conversation starters... as long as you don't get yourself slapped or anything.

Also, it'd be so much cooler if it were a scratch-n-sniff bandaid. I mean, then you could SMELL like bacon. With scent as one of the main memory triggers, it'd be a great way to be nostalgic. And then the girls you were being sleazy to would be entertained by your audacity AND nostalgic. If I were a guy or gay, I'd totally be getting all the girls.

By Blogger Rebecca, at 3:52 PM  

The folly, indeed!

That band-aid rocks! It would be fun if they made band-aids in the forms of all pork products.

By Blogger FlippingChipmunk, at 4:30 PM  

I never did like band-aids that look like other things/have little pictures of things on them. I prefer the plain ol' band-aid lookin' band-aids. I don't. know. why.

I also have an aversion to stickers being stuck on me that have been stuck to something else first. For example, that whole fad back in the 80's where kids were taking chiquita banana stickers and putting them on their foreheads like they had a third eye? Made me want to wretch just thinking about them doing it. (Still does, now that I think about it again...awesome.) I hate peeling stickers off of apples before washing them. I'd rather cut the sticker off, for some reason.

Again, I don't know why I'm like this. It makes me feel all queasy to think of it, and just expect me to flip out if you ever try to stick a sticker on me that you've removed from something else...

Wow. What a fascinating story all about me, eh? Christ...

By Blogger Faith, at 4:52 PM  

You know what a sick bastard would do? I'll tell you! A sick bastard would write fake entries to that Bandaid stick with it kids contest...entries to break the judge's hearts and inflame them with desires for bloody revenge:

1. Jimmy stuck with the third grade even though his stepfather (blanked) him every night and Jimmy won the spelling bee with the word "Hematoma"

shit like that, I shouldn't have numbered it because that makes it seem like I'm gonna do a whole bunch but I'm stopping at one before I get banned from here. And I had too much rejection as a child as it is.

By Anonymous Bob, at 5:21 PM  

"I need a Band-Aid myself on the inside." HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!

I don't eat bacon, therefore I don't think I could muster up the guts to put a Band-Aid that resembles bacon anywhere on my body.

However, I do have Scooby Doo Band-Aids...and Sponge Bob Square Pants Band-Aids of which I have no problem placing on my owies.

By Blogger Jenni, at 5:21 PM  

You want an awesome tip to go with this awesome post? Next time you're in a bar when the kitchen's still open, order up a plate of bacon, and utilize said bacon as a shot chaser. Yes, chase your shots with bacon. Like Men's Wearhouse, you're gonna like the way you look.

You're welcome.

By Blogger Ace Cowboy, at 5:24 PM  

Were you going to tell us about your plane rides? Were they as harrowing as your predicted?

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 5:25 PM  

next week's episode: attack of the Spam Band-Aid! it will attack both your neck and your intestines with muscle-truck force.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 5:59 PM  

please, oh please, tell me where I can purchase said slab-o-ham-daids...

By Blogger Z. Madison, at 9:57 PM  

www.mcphee.com

By Blogger Leezer, at 11:05 PM  

you're a nerd and you know it.

By Blogger rawbean, at 12:55 AM  

wait. you still had the candle essay?

By Blogger kristine, at 10:23 AM  

For some reason the picture of the bandaid actually attached to your friend is grossing me out. But I have to agree with all your arguments.

By Blogger Hope, at 11:13 AM  

bacon bandaids

By Blogger jennifer starfall, at 12:23 PM  

OHH I want a bacon bandaid. I like the last line.

By Blogger Softball Slut, at 12:27 PM  

Castle Grayskull! Yeah!

I had a She-ra lunch box. Back in the day. When they were made of *metal*.

Kickass.

By Blogger babyoog, at 5:30 PM  

Hi, I'm working on a story for The New York Times Style section, the Thursday Skin Deep column, about adults wearing designer bandages (even when they'd don't have a cut), and after reading your blog post, would love to interview you. Also, I'm not sure if your friends are still regularly wear bacon or other funny bandages, but is there a chance you or one of them would want to be photographed for the story in one?

Please email me back or call me at the number below and let me know if you're interested. If I could hear from you by the end of the day on Monday, that would be terrific.

Thanks very much.

Kayleen Schaefer
212-630-3869
917-923-2341
iknowkayleen@gmail.com

By Blogger Kayleen, at 9:16 PM  

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