• Last Thursday was one of the happiest afternoons in my life. I spent over an hour sitting in the waiting room at the Time Warner Customer Center on 23rd St., counting up from CUSTOMER NUMBER 627 to CUSTOMER NUMBER 708 (me). I sat between a large woman who smelled like a gyro and a man who was fast asleep, but a smile never left my face the whole time I was there. Why? Because that was the day I got to officially cancel my account with Time Warner Cable, the place to be [screwed]. My hatred for them is no secret, so you will know that it is without exaggeration that I literally giggled when I threw the cable box and cable modem on the counter and practically shouted, “I’m closing my account!”
Sure, technically I’m still supporting the company by paying half of The Girlfriend’s bill every month, but my name isn’t on it and that’s good enough for me. Also good enough for me will be when the cable guy comes over tonight to install our second cable box in the bedroom and I get to make pretend that I don’t really live there. So when he asks things like, “You want me to run this cable on the baseboard?” I can reply, “What the hell do I know? I don’t live here. I CANCELLED my subscription.” Or I can just do what I did last time and act sexually inappropriate. Or the time before, and kill him.
• And now . . . (drum roll) . . . a wealth of trivia from Yahoo!(!)
– This baby had three arms! But then they removed one! Too bad!
– Turns out Nietzsche was right!
– An alien in a duck! How cliché!
– I don’t think frolic is the right word!
• In more serious news, I also hung up a wine rack in the apartment.
That’s right, I installed the shit out of that thing.
• I’ve actually seen this happen on an episode of “CSI.”
“Police on Tuesday identified the body as David Wayne Bodie, 45, a homeless man who apparently died of natural causes.”
OR DID HE?
• And finally, a big Happy Birthday to The Girlfriend, whose birthday technically was yesterday, but I wanted to put as much time between her and ANALRAPIST as possible. Because, you know, she’s a classy girl. No analraping for her. No sir.