The Daily Dump

A place where everyone (me) is welcomed to express their opinions openly and honestly. I encourage free thinking, free wheeling, off-the-cuff banter and monetary donations.

Friday, June 23

If My Plane Gets Struck By Lightening, This Will Probably Be My Last Post

As The Girlfriend and I get ready to go up to Maine for four days to visit her parents, I can focus on only two things – the weather, and the monitor of this guy in my office who keeps calling me over to show me forwards his friend sent him featuring lame jokes and naked women (e.g. the forward reads, in large, obnoxious text: “Don’t you love coming home from playing 18 holes of golf and your wife greeting you at the door with a can of cold beer?” Scroll down to picture of topless model lifting a keg of Heineken. Cue awkward laughter as I back out of the room, leaving no opportunity for him to stop mid-laugh and say, “So really, Dan, how does this picture make you feel?”

Thanks for the awkward memories!

But mostly I’m concerned with the weather, specifically that it’s supposed to rain every single day we’re there. And seeing as how we’re staying in a cabin on a lake, miles and miles away from even a grocery store (hours away from anywhere serving Ketel One) not being able to go outside is “unfortunate” in the same way making plans to meet someone over the internet and finding out you’re really on Dateline’s “To Catch a Predator” is “unfortunate.” (If you’re keeping a tally of child endangerment jokes, that’s two.)

Even more than that, we’ve decided not to drive the nine hours this year, as doing so in past trips has led to hysteria and the inevitable discussion of which closer state we should make her parents move to, which I’m sure they just love. The frequency with which they hear someone say “You live far away” is about equal to the frequency with which an Arab hears someone say “U-S-A! U-S-A!” Plus the flight was actually cheaper than the price of renting a car. So when you think about it, I’m a real asshole for ever driving in the first place. Rock on.

At every turn today, I’ve been talking to people about the weather, hoping that maybe they have some sort of insight into nature that weather forecasters don’t. Like maybe I’ll happen to ride the elevator with the one old investment banker in my building who just happens to have run a farm for the first 40 years of his life, who will tell me, “Those weather forecasters don’t know their ass from their foot. I woke up this morning and the leaves on the trees weren’t even showing their top-side. The rain’s at least a quarter fortnight away.”

Instead, I’ve heard the same thing over and over.

“Rain for the next four days. Of course. It always rains on the weekend. Always.” – Old woman handing out AM New York outside the subway station

“I was supposed to have a barbecue this weekend. Now I guess I’ll just sit inside and drink all weekend.” – Staples sales assistant (who may be suicidal)

“We’re gonna be swimming in it this weekend.” – deli counter worker

“Yaaaah. Rain all the time.” – Dunkin Donuts employee

“Freaking weatherman, if only I could be wrong 50% of the time at my job and not be fired.” – angry, chubby man in elevator (Note: I have spoken to this man at least three times over the years and every time it has been about the weather and every time he has said exactly that, as though he actually resents the weatherman.)

Which makes me wonder (Carrie Bradshaw voice): why is everyone always so eager to talk about the weather? Why, when a conversation is struck up between strangers, does the topic invariably come around to the weather? Is it that men are such bumbling idiots who don’t know what they want, and women can be empowered by their sexuality, but only to the point where they find a rich man to settle down with? Or maybe it’s just because women, like the weather, change everyday. And if that’s the case (focus in on computer screen) when will the weather . . . stop being so much like the weather?

Whether it is an innocuous comment like, “Can you believe the snow out there?!” or something more subtle like, “It’s so gorgeous out today, isn’t it?” or when someone comes back from vacation and, as though scripted, you say, “How was your trip?” and they respond “It was great. We had a lot of fun and the weather was perfect,” there’s no denying that when there is nothing else to say, the forecast is the topic of choice. And while it’s a joke of a cliché to “talk about the weather,” and everyone is willing to make fun of the person who says, “Hot enough for you?” the fact remains that just because you word it a little differently and instead say, “I love hot weather as much as the next guy, but this is a little much,” doesn’t exculpate you from the societal weather conversation.

And honestly, I find nothing wrong with that. Because while I may want for a more meaningful interaction with my fellow man (I am a humanist, after all) I understand that the weather is the one thing that everyone has in common (besides the fact that we will all die a meaningless death someday, but the last time I said to a girl, “So, does it bother you that there’s nothing after you die and the world will go on without you for eternity?” she just cried and cried and then I paid or my groceries and had to leave). Through different jobs, different families, seeing different movies, participating in different governments, having different sex with different people, peering in different people’s windows late at night, hiding different charges on different credit cards for different German websites (that’s three), eating different food and telling different lies to your friends about that thing on your lip; through different emotions, different brands of bottled water, different ways to skin a cat, different ways to answer the question “Who are you and what are you doing with my dog?” – through all that we are all subject to THE WEATHER. So if we occasionally grasp for that, for a moment just to fondle our sameness, I say, Ask away.

Which doesn’t change the fact that in six hours I will be flying through a lightening storm grabbing The Girlfriend’s hand saying, “IF WE DIE, KNOW THAT I’M SORRY I YELLED AT YOU FOR LEAVING YOUR SOCK ON THE COUCH!” And at the tail end of that flight I will be kayaking during a torrential downpour trying to convince everyone that “it’s not so bad” as the family dog hides under a log whimpering at me. But no matter, because if nothing else we’ll have plenty to talk about. And fondling someone’s sameness takes a lot longer than you might expect.

Especially if you’re hanging out with these guys.


that is SO SOO SOOOO true!!!

it's like everytime i talk to that guy in the elevator, he asks me about the weather.

which reminds me...sheesh, isn't it hot outside today? i mean, i thought it was supposed to be day 2 of our 4-day rain-a-thon??? what gives?

what is with the weathermen (or women, if you watch linda church on wb11 morning news, as i do) in this city? can't they get anything right? it's as if they just ESTIMATE the weather. can't they invest in a few meterologist or someone else smart?

and what is with meterologists? you'd think they study meteors. but NO, they study meterology. WHAT'S THAT? it doesn't sound like the weather.

and WHAT IS IT WITH THIS WEATHER? it's like a million degrees---IN THE SHADE!!!

what is this, ARIZONA? i don't get it.




(hot enough for ya?)

By Blogger ionca, at 2:57 PM  

Don't mock me.

By Blogger Carrie Broadshoulders, at 3:11 PM  

speaking of the black market weather forecasts, i'll have you know that it is physically impossible for you to have written a post this long (with photos) from the time you posted your review of America's Got Talent without the assistance of .2% street grade whorecrack.

the key to surviving those airplane thunderstorms is to loudly scream right before the lightning strikes while everyone is anticipating it, because a little aptly timed humor will set the pilots at ease.

By Blogger ducklet, at 3:14 PM  

What the hell is up with that last picture. That is just bad.

By Blogger ❉ pixie ❉, at 3:19 PM  

Love the Carrie reference. After watching all of my Sex and the City DVDs, I was doing the Carrie voice in my head for weeks. I need to watch them again...

It's so annoying to talk about the weather sometimes but you're right - no one can help it. Like, no matter how many times it'll thunderstorm, I'm ALWAYS going to comment on how awesome it is and how much I love it but that the way it makes my hair frizz PISSES ME OFF.

Gee, I'm glad I shared that. Feel the sameness, man.

By Blogger liberalbanana, at 3:27 PM  

Plane struck by "lightening?" What, is someone planning on throwing bleach on it?

By Blogger T., at 3:29 PM  

No, in my best Jane Austen voice, "It's because if you can't think of something polite to say stick to the weather, the roads, and (fuck I forget the third). See Sense and Sensibilities.

By Blogger Betty, at 3:33 PM  

Imaging you say "Fuck, I forgot the third" in your best Jane Austen voice was quite enjoyable. Although it wasn't actually you saying it, it was Emma Thompson. Because for all I know, Emma Thompson is actually Jane Austen.

By Blogger the belligerent intellectual, at 3:39 PM  

And speaking of weather, don't you hate when people make that joke: "You know what they say about New York: If you don't like the weather, stick around because it will change." HA HA HA.

I've lived in about 8 major cities in my life and I've heard that same joke in every city. Newsflash: That lame joke applies pretty much everywhere, not just New York, so just stop saying it.

[Wow, I feel so much better now. Thanks!]

By Blogger Cherry Ride, at 3:44 PM  

That sucks. Out in SF it's supposed to be amazing. Although there will probably be more male-on-male fondling going on than in that disturbing picture. You take the good with the bad.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 3:54 PM  

Will, I live in Texas and I hear that joke every damn day. I work in a bank in Texas and I hear it every damn day all damn day long. I am tired of it. Yes the weather will change a tad. Hot and Humid. Hot and Dry. Hot and sorta humid. Hot and Mothafuckin Hot. HOt and dirty sticky humid. Yeah it changes alot assholes. And if you dont like it go back to your own covered in 21 feet of snow in December while I am out running around in shorts in December. Put that in your piehole and suck it

By Blogger Softball Slut, at 4:13 PM  

I get traumatized when I hit any bumps and this is from a girl who has flown in two seater airplanes!

By Blogger mrsmogul, at 4:36 PM  

My favorite thing about your blog is how you can be touching and funny at the same time. I'm moved and I'm jealous. I'm also hooked.

Verification word: twacs

That's one letter away from twats.

But you've already thought of that.

By Blogger Jaime, at 4:59 PM  

I'm gonna have to choose being hit by lightning if my other choice is being the "white" in that oreo.

By Blogger Kevin, at 5:09 PM  

I like the picture of Britney Spears' uncles.

By Blogger Krissi, at 5:13 PM  

That last picture makes me miss my friends!!! I wish they'd come see me this weekend...

You'll be fine in the plane and chances are the weather guy is wrongo! Have a good time!

By Anonymous Kerry, at 5:13 PM  

Ok, am I the only one that thinks that the "guy" that's being grabbed in the crotch in that photo is actually a girl dressed up like a guy?

And the weather will always be a constant conversation-filler because it is, well, a constant presence in our lives. Not everyone has babies, or husbands/wives, or a drinking problem, or car trouble, or a million dollars you can ask to borrow some of, etc, etc...

The only other constants that come to mind right now? Death and taxes. So I guess it'd be fun to try to start getting the general public to fill conversations with little items such as, "So, anyone you know die lately?" or, "I am so TIRED of rounding up to account for sales tax when I'm adding up groceries in my head as I shop at the supermarket every week, aren't you?" Those two little tidbits could keep a conversation alive for quite some time, I'd think...especially in a kayak on a river in the middle of a downpour. Ignore the weather. There are plenty of other constants to discuss...Hope you have a LOVELY time. :)

By Blogger Faith, at 5:35 PM  

So, for some weird reason, every time I go to my MSN home page, the weather section is set to New York (i'm in SF) and, yes, it's suppose to rain through Monday. Sorry :( And, yes, SF has been BEAUTIFUL this weekend - sunny and hot, hot, hot! AND the gays/bi/ect will be out for the Pride Festival this weekend too! woo hoo! :)
Good Luck with your flight!

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 5:38 PM  

oh my gosh what am I going to read for the next few days...We look forward to hearing about your weekend next week..
Weather here is hot hot hot

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 6:41 PM  

Be safe bro. great post.

By Blogger The Humanity Critic, at 7:02 PM  

No, Faith, you're not the only one. It took me one creepy, dirty moment, but I too believe that that guy has ovaries.

It's still gross.

By Blogger The Sushi Monster, at 8:06 PM  

BI: sorry about the rain on your trip. please send it this way!

AZ only has two seasons: hot and really hot. it's so difficult for weather forecasters to be wrong here.

Even during the monsoon season, when haboobs (I hear you giggling) scour the city from one side to the other in a matter of minutes and torrential rain lasts but a few minutes, the basic underlying temp is HOT.

Ever felt 122 degrees? Humidity is virtually non-existent here in the Valley of the Sun. When it's over 115, the asphalt gets squishy. I kid you not.

I'm glad we don't have humidity, but I sure wish we had some rain right now. We have some nasty forest fires raging right now.

Make it back safely. And play in the rain at least once. You're not so sweet that you'll melt :-)

By Blogger Bird Girl, at 3:27 AM  

Hope the trip goes well despite the weather. At least it will give you something to talk about while you're cooped up inside...

By Anonymous Caryn, at 4:53 PM  

You are funny. What are you doing schlepping the nine to five? You should have a publishing contract and an agent.

By Blogger Leezer, at 6:50 PM  

I was feeling depressed, but I didn't know why. Oh yeah! I forgot to read the Daily Dump today! Problem solved.

Stay dry in Maine.

By Blogger babyoog, at 10:52 PM  

Oh. God. After looking a tad more closely at the redhead of the grabby-grab picture, I believe I am coming to a disturbing conclusion.

I know that guy.

Yeah. I dunno where you got this picture, BI, but I went to school with this guy. I know it.

He really liked dinosaurs in the 3rd grade.

By Blogger The Sushi Monster, at 4:04 AM  

I feel like the weather is the only thing that anyone would have in common with absolutely anyone else, and therefore it is the safest topic ever. Way safer than "How are you?" because who ever really wants to know that? Also, did I have a stroke, or did The Girlfriend's family live in the Woburn, MA area in other posts? Either way, have a safe trip.

By Blogger amanda, at 8:04 AM  

Thank you, viscountess. I have been saying that for a long time. Anybody know anybody?

By Blogger belligerent mother, at 10:25 AM  

The weather is "safe" to talk about, and can be a nice way to avoid the inevitable.

What you actually say: "What a beautiful day out today."

What you really want to say: "SWEET JESUS! That HUGE zit on your forehead looks as though it may explode any second now. Excuse me while I step aside to avoid any casualties.

By Blogger Jenni, at 12:44 PM  

i asked my friend when i moved back home to farm for a bit.
"who will i talk to? the other farmers? what could i possible have to say to them?!?"

and she was right.

and if you want the most accurate (though still often wrong) forecast use the natty weather service.
not the natty wether service, though, cause that's a castrated sheep.

By Blogger Lord of the Barnyard, at 3:32 PM  

There are the people who rarely send you a forward, so when they do you know it's good, and then there are those poeple who indescriminately pass along every dumb ass joke and chain letter they get their hands on. You may have to get your desk moved.

By Blogger Dr. Kenneth Noisewater, at 6:13 PM  

I wish I had written that.

By Anonymous abigail, at 2:30 AM  

in reference to the uncomfortable joke guy...

I have one of those at my office, but it's a man-ish lesbian chick who loves to send "boob shots" with strange jokes to every guy in the building.

I REALLY want to just grab her say "I get it, your lesbian!!But I'm really not that into boobs...thanks though"

By Blogger djmetronome, at 11:29 AM  

Uh oh...was his plane hit by lightening?

Come back, BI!! Please?!

By Blogger Faith, at 2:26 PM  

is lightening anything like lightning?

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 4:42 PM  

What is the point to all the "lightening" vs "lightning" comments? FUCK? Let it go, coolio...

By Blogger Faith, at 11:10 AM  

Oh my God, that Sex & the City paragraph is priceless. Your parody skills are [uh... insert adjective that would indicate I am impressed here].

By Blogger Jill, at 9:40 PM  

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