The Daily Dump

A place where everyone (me) is welcomed to express their opinions openly and honestly. I encourage free thinking, free wheeling, off-the-cuff banter and monetary donations.

Monday, June 12

If They Gave Out A Tony Award For Best Drunk, I Would Have A Tony Award Right Now

Still drunk from the 60th Annual Tony Awards Official After-party last night, I just now rolled in to my office with my sunglasses on, ran into my boss and immediately patted him on the shoulder and asked him how his weekend was. I think that marks the second time I’ve touched him since I shook his hand six years ago at my job interview. It was a little more than awkward, a little less than funny – that perfect combination that stops you in your tracks and reminds you that alcoholics have a lot to lose.

Pictures and stories to come, including my life-altering conversation with S. Epatha Merkerson, aka Lieutenant Anita “Why don’t you check out the boyfriend’s alibi” Van Buren on “Law & Order,” aka the coolest woman with the first name “S” I’ve ever met.

In the meantime, since I’m drunk and there’s no one here at work to hook up with, I’ll use my bad judgment for other reasons and post the much hyped family photo!




















We’re not that blurry in real life. OR ARE WE?

Thankfully the tight pants were obscured by other family members. That’s not the kind of thing a family needs in their posterity. (There’s an anal joke in there somewhere I’m sure of it.)




















The photographer’s mantra was “lean in.” She repeated it like Tourettes even though if I leaned in anymore I would have had The Girlfriend’s head in my mouth.

And now I’m going to go take a nap with the phone propped up against my ear and try to figure out how to get my arm to stop smelling like vodka. Ah, celebrity!

36 Comments:

You posted at 1:23. So cool. You really are leaning way in on that second shot aren't you?

By Blogger ❉ pixie ❉, at 1:51 PM  

This reminds me of the email I sent you on Friday at 11:30 telling you I had just strolled in. You have beat me, sir. The photos are a little funny, I didn't know people did family photos anymore.

By Blogger Betty, at 1:51 PM  

I know, who does family photos? Personally, I'd prefer to remember my family the old fashioned way - through stories and drawings.

By Blogger the belligerent intellectual, at 1:56 PM  

Sweet jesus, these photos have made my day. And I meant to ask from Friday, but what exactly is a "theater posse"?

By Blogger Cherry Ride, at 2:01 PM  

From the way you described your girlfriend's scoop-necked shirt in your last post, I thought it was a really low-cut. She didn't look slutty at all! You on the other hand ... Just kidding. It's a cute photo.

By Blogger Carolyn, at 2:04 PM  

alcoholics have a lot to lose, but non-alcoholics, by definition, have a lot to WIN.

god. worst riposte ever.

what i meant to imply was that alcoholics are waaay better than their dry counterparts. so let me try again:

/re-enters the room

'Yes, alcoholics have a lot to lose, but you know what they say, Nothing ventured, nothing drained.'

oh never mind.

By Blogger ducklet, at 2:05 PM  

I think my boyfriend has that same shirt. (The one you're wearing, not the one The Girlfriend is wearing)

By Blogger Hope, at 2:13 PM  

Impossible, Hope. I bought that shirt in a rare boutique in London. NO ONE HAS THAT SHIRT THIS SIDE THE ATLANTIC BUT ME. I'm special goddamnit.

By Blogger the belligerent intellectual, at 2:41 PM  

I can see the pain of moving written all over that fake smile. TG, at first glance made me think of Martina Hingis. Welcome back Swiss Miss(ed).

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 3:00 PM  

I guess your razor was already packed.

By Blogger Cupcake, at 3:13 PM  

OOOOOOHHHHH! SHIT!

Yeah, it was.

By Blogger the belligerent intellectual, at 3:19 PM  

You couldnt even smile in the first pic? And your gf is a total cutie patootie. I love family portraits. I think they rock. I still have mine from 6th grade. I will never do bangs that start in the middle of my scalp and a lime green scrunchie with the half ponytail. Girls you know what I'm talking about.

By Blogger Softball Slut, at 3:25 PM  

I'm so disappointed. I wanted to see the tight pants that show your junk.

By Blogger sadielady, at 3:29 PM  

i would have loved to see 'thought bubbles' in the 2nd picture of what you and TG are really thinking.

By Blogger Shopaholic KitKatWoman, at 3:41 PM  

and OH Joan Collins and Terri Hatcher seem to use the what I have dubbed 'vaseline lens' to cover a multitude of sins

By Blogger Shopaholic KitKatWoman, at 3:41 PM  

At least no one in your family matched. In one family portrait, everyone in my family somehow wound up wearing shades of the same color. The color was so dark that everyone's torso blended together until we were one big, four-headed monster.

By Blogger Rebecca, at 3:56 PM  

Onions will wipe out the smell of vodka anyday.

By Blogger Stacy, at 4:09 PM  

I think family portraits are nice. My family did one last year, at the behest of Dad the Family Portrait Nazi. I think there's always one person who just really, really wants it done and the rest go along, you know?

By Blogger babyoog, at 4:14 PM  

Dan,

You look slightly confused with tg but in the family potrait you have "man shattered by moving" down to an artform! Kudos

By Anonymous shawna, at 4:47 PM  

I have no idea how those people are all related? Do you come from a family of polygamists and all those women are your moms?

By Blogger Carrie Broadshoulders, at 4:52 PM  

Early in the day, I made the mistake of walking south through the Puerto Rican day parade: later in the evening, I made the mistake of walking up through the Tonys letting out. THERE'S NO REST FOR THE WEARY IN THIS HOUSE!!

By Blogger Maulleigh, at 5:52 PM  

Nice pictures. And no, the facial hair actually doesn't look bad. Your mom is the lady in the pink shirt, right? I've read so much about her & read her comments on here so much, I just HAVE to know what she looks like.

By Blogger FlippingChipmunk, at 7:09 PM  

Hmmm, i must agree with carrie broadshoulders....i am all for a family portrait, but this looks a little "i live in utah and big love isn't just a tv show it's our life" kind of photo...are you mormon??

By Blogger queenie, at 7:26 PM  

You're leaning so far in, TG is hunched forward awkwardly. It's like one of those shots when someone runs up to join you in a picture and manages to slightly push you out of it.

By Blogger Nathalie, at 7:42 PM  

awwww.... those are cute! you made it sound way worse! and your folks (the ones on the right...right?) are ADORABLE!!!!
happy recouping....

By Blogger lena, at 7:54 PM  

What a relief to actually click on a link and it's a kick ass blog. Yesss!

And the tight pants shot was sorely lacking in this post. Although I did get a nice chuckle from your G*R*I*N in your portrait. :p

By Blogger Lena, at 8:50 PM  

Hey, I'M LENA!

By Blogger Lena, at 8:51 PM  

I just realized that my family has never had a family portrait done.

The second picture is very classy... though you're looking a little tired. At least you didn't show up to the studio drunk.

By Blogger Janet, at 10:38 PM  

Oh. God. Family pictures are always a fiasco in my family. My brother is a professional photographer and his wife is the picture nazi. At one family photo she had a nervous breakdown because her fifteen year old daughter didn't wear a neutral colored shirt like we were all supposed to...instead she wore red. I love her for it.

By Blogger Jenni, at 9:31 AM  

"The photographer’s mantra was “lean in.” She repeated it like Tourettes even though if I leaned in anymore I would have had The Girlfriend’s head in my mouth."

that's true, as a general rule it should be your head in her mouth, and not the other way around.



who said that?



what?!

By Blogger dicta, at 10:18 AM  

It would have been so much better if your family dressed up in those old-fashioned western clothes and had the portrait done in sepia tones. Otherwise, good job not getting your gf's hair in your mouth.

By Blogger NancyPearlWannabe, at 10:28 AM  

is this photo in honor of the BIG LOVE finale?

By Blogger ionca, at 1:06 PM  

Does no one else here have relatives outside of parents? Is this an uncommon thing?

By Blogger the belligerent intellectual, at 1:12 PM  

other than my sister and inlaws I have no relatives and that is just fine with me! less drama

By Blogger Shopaholic KitKatWoman, at 4:02 PM  

I have other relatives, but I don't claim anyone but my parents & my grandmother. It must be nice to have a big family you're close with.

By Blogger FlippingChipmunk, at 7:46 PM  

Well coming from someone who has never even had a family portrait with his entire immediate family, the idea of taking one with aunts or "sister wives" as they call them in Utah is intriguing to me. The only family pictures we ever had were me and my brother pretending we know each other.

By Blogger Carrie Broadshoulders, at 5:47 PM  

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