The Daily Dump

A place where everyone (me) is welcomed to express their opinions openly and honestly. I encourage free thinking, free wheeling, off-the-cuff banter and monetary donations.

Monday, June 5

It’s Hard Out Here For An Analrapist


In case you haven’t heard, there was this show on TV called “Arrested Development.” I loved “Arrested Development” like a friend. A really hot, female friend who would get drunk with me on Monday nights and say things like, “Why don’t we just make out, there’s nothing better to do.” Then FOX cancelled it, and I lost a piece of myself.

For my birthday last year, one of the things I said I wanted was this t-shirt, which is a byproduct of one of the more memorable dialogue exchanges from the show. (In case you aren’t familiar with it, I have it written out here.)

I’ve only worn it a handful of times since I got it, mainly because it’s a t-shirt and my birthday is in the middle of winter and it’s really only been getting warmer lately and hopefully you see where I’m going with this. But this past weekend was my little sister’s 16th birthday party at my parents house on Long Island (because I haven’t been there enough lately), and I thought it would be cool to wear the shirt. You know, to show how hip I am. (Yes, writing it out does make it seem less hip. As does using the word ‘hip.’)

So I throw the t-shirt on and head for the train station. I don’t even think about it until The Girlfriend and I are comfortably seated on the train and the guy comes by for our tickets.

Me: (handing him the tickets) “Hey, how are you doing?”

Ticket Guy: (staring at my shirt with a pained look of anger and confusion) “Yeah, alright.”

I remain oblivious to the whole thing until the ticket guy walks away. Then:

The Girlfriend: (matter-of-factly) “You do realize that no one has any idea what your shirt means, and they read it as ‘anal rapist,’ don’t you?”

Me: “. . . I do now.”

I look around to see an elderly couple sitting across the aisle, and over my right shoulder two young children playing with their father. I immediately put on my long-sleeved shirt.

A BRIEF SUMMATION: I thought it would be cool to wear a t-shirt that says “ANALRAPIST” to a party full of 16 year old kids.

OK.

I get to the party and immediately start eating and mixing drinks. I still have my long sleeved shirt on over the t-shirt so I think nothing of it. Then karaoke starts (no reason for that statement to surprise you) and things get heated and I take my long sleeved shirt off. It doesn’t really dawn on me until about twenty minutes later when, on my way to the bar, I run into the father of one of my sister’s friends. A voice sounds in my head: “You’re talking to a 45 year old man whose 16 year old daughter is in the next room. Your shirt says anal rapist.”

All I can do at this point is make pretend that I have hurt a muscle in my hand and stand in front of him, exchanging pleasantries while massaging my right thumb into the palm of my left hand, covering up the lettering on the shirt. I then excused myself to the bathroom and ran to change my shirt.

MORAL OF THE STORY: What may seem like a good joke can sometimes be misinterpreted to mean that you indiscriminately have forceful anal intercourse with unnamed partners, or “victims,” and that you are so proud of such a designation that you must boast of it on a shirt.

OTHER POSSIBLE NEGATIVE RAMIFICATIONS: Your boss coming over to your computer to look at a document and, while you are waiting for the document to slowly open, there being a photo icon on the desktop labeled “Analrapist.” You might even try to position the cursor over the word in attempt to obscure it from view, but most likely all that did was draw additional attention to it.

33 Comments:

'ramification' would be cool street slang for anal rape. like 'remember that scene in American Me where Edward James Olmos got ramified? that was harsh.'

By Blogger ducklet, at 1:44 PM  

What hurts is that I bought that shirt for you!

Sometimes (most times) I do not fully comprehend the "ramifications" of my actions.

By Blogger belligerent mother, at 1:57 PM  

I'm surprised TG let you out of the house like that! To a girl's 16th bday party!!!!! tsk tsk.

By Blogger lena, at 2:31 PM  

BM - I am sitting at my computer at work and laughing so hard it pains me. BI is a lucky dude.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:34 PM  

Dan, this reminds me of the misunderstanding that occurred when I wore THIS ambiguously-worded shirt.

By Blogger HomeImprovementNinja, at 2:54 PM  

You? Are awesome.

Is it weird that I read it the way it was intended to be read in the first place, i.e. "aNALrapist"? Then again, I say the word guitar like I'm from the deep south - "GUItar" - and my family has always made fun of me for it. FINALLY! My ability to place the emphasis on the weird syllable in the word pays off! HA!

By Blogger Faith, at 3:27 PM  

had i been sitting across from you on that train, i'd have squealed in delight and been happy that there is more than one AD fan in new york city.

By Anonymous rae, at 3:42 PM  

Classy. Brilliant. Hilarious.

By Blogger ❉ pixie ❉, at 3:57 PM  

I love Arrested Development. And, I totally want one of those shirts, although the morals of your story made me think twice. Thanks for another fantastic read.

By Blogger SoberCityGirl, at 4:06 PM  

What is Arrested Development? Is that on when The War At Home is on, or maybe when Two and a Half Men is on? I only watch sitcoms with canned laughs. Makes me feel good about myself after a long, hard day.

By Blogger Ace Cowboy, at 4:10 PM  

Wow, that's so much better than the time I went out with this girl I'd been seeing for, oh, about a week or two, to a bar and wore my "Girls Gone Wild: Half Time Games" cap.

Or the number of times I've worn my "Los Angeles County Coroner" cap.

By Blogger John Flowers, at 5:09 PM  

BI:
"Your boss coming over to your computer to look at a document and, while you are waiting for the document to slowly open, there being a photo icon on the desktop labeled 'Analrapist.'" Yep. This is what I experience daily at work as I read The DUMP. Good times.

By Blogger Leezer, at 5:39 PM  

God, I miss Arrested Development.

By Blogger Tuesday Girl, at 6:10 PM  

I make aNALrapist jokes all the time. Sadly, I think very few people get the joke and steer clear of me from that point on. That's fine though. I have enough friends. And if those people don't know/understand AD, well I don't want to hang out with them anyways.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 6:29 PM  

I only recently started watching Arrested Development via dvd, and the fact that they are already cancelled leaves me saddened in a way that's like winning the lottery, and then realizing that that you can no longer redeem the ticket because you have had it for too long.

By Blogger Analyst Catalyst, at 7:42 PM  

I so feel ya on this...I am constantly doing crap like this and at the time it seems like a SPLENDID idea...Later on...not so much.

By Blogger JP, at 9:40 PM  

I think its clear to anyone what part of this post distracted me this time.

I also laughed my face off reading this. My favorite post so far.

By Blogger Carrie Broadshoulders, at 12:43 AM  

I have a shirt which I love but also which I cannot ever wear in public. It's the "Religions of the world 'Sh1t happens'" shirt. It says things like "Catholicism: If sh1t happens, I deserve it."

People just don't seem to understand why it's all so funny... I can't imagine why...

p. s. thanks for your blog. i devour your writings every day!

By Blogger Bird Girl, at 12:51 AM  

Aww, I miss Arrested Development so much! I do bad chicken impressions all the time, but nobody gets it. Poo.

By Blogger shirley, at 7:00 AM  

Oh, fashion is tricky that way. Sometimes the general public just aren't ready for your edgy trend choices.

By Blogger Just, at 7:23 AM  

The t-shirt for my old radio station had a person giving the finger on the back. Buying it seemed like a good idea; wearing it around sucked. I always had to wear something over it too. I ended up giving it away. I'm not a rebel anymore. :(

By Blogger Maulleigh, at 8:59 AM  

You've inspired me to write about a similar incident I recently had...check it out.

P.S.I think your t-shirt is funny.

P.S.S. Belligerent Mother, my mom once bout me a t-shirt that read "Where's the beef?" because I asked for it...I was seven. Just to make you feel better.

By Blogger Jenni, at 9:33 AM  

This t-shirt might be a little easier to pull off.

By Blogger Tim, at 9:55 AM  

reminds me of the SNL skit's with Sean Connery asking for "the rapist for a thousand please alex"

love it

By Blogger djmetronome, at 11:02 AM  

Alas, I miss Arrested Development too. I guess it isnt going to be on Showtime or HBO or whatever the rumor was about that, either. And Shirley, no one gets my bad chicken impersonations either. How sad. They just think I have a really bad tic and turn away so as not to embarass me.

By Blogger Wide Lawns Subservient Worker, at 12:16 PM  

i'll tell you what's punk rock...riding the G to the L train with an Ann Coulter or Bill O'Reilly book in tow. Those were the few times I thought I would actually drive hipsters to violence.

By Blogger T., at 4:59 PM  

Maybe "never-nude" would have been more PC?

By Blogger Amaya, at 6:24 PM  

Poor idea. I have a series of shirts that I hesitate to wear in public. Among them:

"I (Plane) NY" (The first time I wore this there were a goup of City of Irvine firefighters in the deli I was at)
"Miami: It's Spictacular"
"Got Blow?"
"Have you Had a Fat Bitch Lately"
"Cocaine Fiends"

If you have an extra analrapist shirt, though, I would be glad to add it to my collection.

By Blogger White Dade, at 6:28 PM  

Excellent read. You write very well!

My favorite part:

A voice sounds in my head: “You’re talking to a 45 year old man whose 16 year old daughter is in the next room. Your shirt says anal rapist.”

By Blogger dont eat token, at 2:36 AM  

mildly amusing. you really expected any random to get this shirt? the fact that you covered it up afterwards makes you a complete pussy and ruins what could have been a nice story. what's the point of buying an offensive shirt if you're just going to wear something over the top of it. you must be a yank.

By Blogger etherfox, at 10:24 AM  

Very old blog post but I liked it very much and had a good laugh. I thank you for it.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 11:51 PM  

People need to get over themselves and stop being uptight. There's nothing wrong with being an anal rapist, as long as your "victims" deserve it.

By Anonymous Alan Sipart, at 12:34 PM  

I had a similar story at Disney World once. I wore this shirt from T-Shirt Hell that said "Are you tighter than a fifth grader?" (here it is), and a Disney guy approached me with a security person and asked me to change my shirt. I told them I don't have another shirt, so they suggested I buy one. So I said, okay, I'll change, and they insisted on escorting me and seeing that I indeed changed.

So uptight :)

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8:43 PM  

This is never good! Peace!

By Anonymous London escorts, at 5:45 PM  

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