In case you haven’t heard, there was this show on TV called “Arrested Development.” I loved “Arrested Development” like a friend. A really hot, female friend who would get drunk with me on Monday nights and say things like, “Why don’t we just make out, there’s nothing better to do.” Then FOX cancelled it, and I lost a piece of myself.
For my birthday last year, one of the things I said I wanted was this t-shirt, which is a byproduct of one of the more memorable dialogue exchanges from the show. (In case you aren’t familiar with it, I have it written out here.)
I’ve only worn it a handful of times since I got it, mainly because it’s a t-shirt and my birthday is in the middle of winter and it’s really only been getting warmer lately and hopefully you see where I’m going with this. But this past weekend was my little sister’s 16th birthday party at my parents house on Long Island (because I haven’t been there enough lately), and I thought it would be cool to wear the shirt. You know, to show how hip I am. (Yes, writing it out does make it seem less hip. As does using the word ‘hip.’)
So I throw the t-shirt on and head for the train station. I don’t even think about it until The Girlfriend and I are comfortably seated on the train and the guy comes by for our tickets.
Me: (handing him the tickets) “Hey, how are you doing?”
Ticket Guy: (staring at my shirt with a pained look of anger and confusion) “Yeah, alright.”
I remain oblivious to the whole thing until the ticket guy walks away. Then:
The Girlfriend: (matter-of-factly) “You do realize that no one has any idea what your shirt means, and they read it as ‘anal rapist,’ don’t you?”
Me: “. . . I do now.”
I look around to see an elderly couple sitting across the aisle, and over my right shoulder two young children playing with their father. I immediately put on my long-sleeved shirt.
A BRIEF SUMMATION: I thought it would be cool to wear a t-shirt that says “ANALRAPIST” to a party full of 16 year old kids.
I get to the party and immediately start eating and mixing drinks. I still have my long sleeved shirt on over the t-shirt so I think nothing of it. Then karaoke starts (no reason for that statement to surprise you) and things get heated and I take my long sleeved shirt off. It doesn’t really dawn on me until about twenty minutes later when, on my way to the bar, I run into the father of one of my sister’s friends. A voice sounds in my head: “You’re talking to a 45 year old man whose 16 year old daughter is in the next room. Your shirt says anal rapist.”
All I can do at this point is make pretend that I have hurt a muscle in my hand and stand in front of him, exchanging pleasantries while massaging my right thumb into the palm of my left hand, covering up the lettering on the shirt. I then excused myself to the bathroom and ran to change my shirt.
MORAL OF THE STORY: What may seem like a good joke can sometimes be misinterpreted to mean that you indiscriminately have forceful anal intercourse with unnamed partners, or “victims,” and that you are so proud of such a designation that you must boast of it on a shirt.
OTHER POSSIBLE NEGATIVE RAMIFICATIONS: Your boss coming over to your computer to look at a document and, while you are waiting for the document to slowly open, there being a photo icon on the desktop labeled “Analrapist.” You might even try to position the cursor over the word in attempt to obscure it from view, but most likely all that did was draw additional attention to it.