Your Weekly Round Up Of Everything Important That Is Happening In The News From The Past 20 Minutes That I've Seen
• Things I care about more than Star Jones on “Larry King”:
- what time it is
- the new Pottery Barn catalogue
- the wet spot on my pants from when I washed my hands, even though it’s almost dry by now
- whether or not I’m taking the right multivitamin for me
• And while we’re making lists, while in Maine last weekend I watched a show on Animal Planet about a woman who devotes her life to saving skunks. An actual quote from the show by a local veterinarian: “Her devotion to skunks is remarkable.”
Things I would rather devote myself to than skunks:
- a murders right to a vigorous defense
- the proper usage of “whom”
- shrubbery sculpting
- a resurgence in the use of scrolls for important documents
When I saw this headline I thought, “Wow, did a 105 year old guy bowl a perfect game?” Then I read the article and it’s just about how he’s 105, and he bowls. His average is a pedestrian 106, meaning he will soon join an elite club made up of my little sister and everyone else who tried to bowl at age 2 and rolled an average lower than their age.
Yeah, and I want a personal concert by the Bangles circa 1986 but we don’t always get what we want. Especially when we follow our demands with, “Oh and we will continue to attack you and kill you and bring glory to Allah through global jihad, blah, blah, you’ve heard it before.”
Executives are asking everyone to celebrate by “getting out that sweater you haven’t really worn in four years.”
Two weeks after Taylor Hicks discussed his first crush as a young boy, the woman from his past has contacted People magazine.
The "American Idol" winner told People in a recent interview that he never forgot his first crush: "I was in the second grade; she was in the sixth." He added that ever since, he's always liked older women.
"He was such a fun kid," Worsham, 32, said. "I'm married. But I'd like to reconnect. He was like a brother to me."
One, how nervous are you if you are this woman’s husband. She just wants to reconnect with a guy who will be worth millions within the year? Two, can somebody please get a copy of Taylor Hicks’ birth certificate? Three, if he’s younger than 32 I don’t see why scientists aren’t clamoring to study him before his advanced aging reaches the point where he explodes like the guy at the end of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade who chose the wrong cup.
You have to watch the clip. If I was this guy, the call would have gone more like this:
911: “State your emergency.”
Me: “MY FUCKING LEGS! A TRAIN! MY LEGS WERE CUT OFF!”
911: “OK, tell me where you are.”
Me: “UNDER A FUCKING TRAIN! WITH NO LEGS! AT GUNDERSON SOUTHWEST. WITH NO FUCKING LEGS!”
911: “Someone got run over by a rail car?”
Me: (suddenly composed) “Are you kidding me? You missed the part where I told you that I was run over by a train? And I was cut in half? You glossed over that part? Were you typing something and you just didn’t hear it? Because it seems to me it would be the kind of thing that would stick out in a conversation.”
Take note, if you ever find yourself in an emergency in Texas, don’t call 911. Try to take care of the problem yourself, and if that doesn’t work it’ll probably still be quicker to find your own transportation to the hospital. You know, taxi, bus, bike, whatever you have handy. Just don’t get a 911 operator on the phone, because apparently they just love to chat.
• Everyone have a great long weekend. I’m going to be up in Montreal, our great kind-of French neighbors to the north, which I understand isn’t the best place to be celebrating Independence Day (or as they call it “that alien movie with the Fresh Prince”), but it decidedly is the best place to eat crepes, drink wine, listen to jazz and mingle with the sophisticated population who are, as one friend said, “afflicted with the plague of thin waists and huge breasts.” So to all readers from Montreal: Keep your daughters inside (I’m bringing friends) and I’ll be somewhere on Cresent Street Saturday watching the France-Brazil World Cup game. So come on down and look for the guy drinking wine straight from the bottle screaming, “Use your hands! Come on dipshit, USE YOUR HANDS!”