The Daily Dump

A place where everyone (me) is welcomed to express their opinions openly and honestly. I encourage free thinking, free wheeling, off-the-cuff banter and monetary donations.

Friday, June 30

Your Weekly Round Up Of Everything Important That Is Happening In The News From The Past 20 Minutes That I've Seen


Things I care about more than Star Jones on “Larry King”:

- what time it is
- the new Pottery Barn catalogue
- the wet spot on my pants from when I washed my hands, even though it’s almost dry by now
- whether or not I’m taking the right multivitamin for me
- this

And while we’re making lists, while in Maine last weekend I watched a show on Animal Planet about a woman who devotes her life to saving skunks. An actual quote from the show by a local veterinarian: “Her devotion to skunks is remarkable.”

Things I would rather devote myself to than skunks:

- a murders right to a vigorous defense
- the proper usage of “whom”
- shrubbery sculpting
- a resurgence in the use of scrolls for important documents
- this

105-year-old bowler leaves his

When I saw this headline I thought, “Wow, did a 105 year old guy bowl a perfect game?” Then I read the article and it’s just about how he’s 105, and he bowls. His average is a pedestrian 106, meaning he will soon join an elite club made up of my little sister and everyone else who tried to bowl at age 2 and rolled an average lower than their age.

Bin Laden wants Zarqawi buried in homeland

Yeah, and I want a personal concert by the Bangles circa 1986 but we don’t always get what we want. Especially when we follow our demands with, “Oh and we will continue to attack you and kill you and bring glory to Allah through global jihad, blah, blah, you’ve heard it before.”

J. Crew shares do well in IPO debut

Executives are asking everyone to celebrate by “getting out that sweater you haven’t really worn in four years.”

Childhood crush responds to Taylor Hicks

Two weeks after Taylor Hicks discussed his first crush as a young boy, the woman from his past has contacted People magazine.


The "American Idol" winner told People in a recent interview that he never forgot his first crush: "I was in the second grade; she was in the sixth." He added that ever since, he's always liked older women.


"He was such a fun kid," Worsham, 32, said. "I'm married. But I'd like to reconnect. He was like a brother to me."

One, how nervous are you if you are this woman’s husband. She just wants to reconnect with a guy who will be worth millions within the year? Two, can somebody please get a copy of Taylor Hicks’ birth certificate? Three, if he’s younger than 32 I don’t see why scientists aren’t clamoring to study him before his advanced aging reaches the point where he explodes like the guy at the end of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade who chose the wrong cup.

911 caller: I think I'm cut in half by train (video)

You have to watch the clip. If I was this guy, the call would have gone more like this:

911: “State your emergency.”

Me: “MY FUCKING LEGS! A TRAIN! MY LEGS WERE CUT OFF!”

911: “OK, tell me where you are.”

Me: “UNDER A FUCKING TRAIN! WITH NO LEGS! AT GUNDERSON SOUTHWEST. WITH NO FUCKING LEGS!”

911: “Someone got run over by a rail car?”

Me: (suddenly composed) “Are you kidding me? You missed the part where I told you that I was run over by a train? And I was cut in half? You glossed over that part? Were you typing something and you just didn’t hear it? Because it seems to me it would be the kind of thing that would stick out in a conversation.”

Take note, if you ever find yourself in an emergency in Texas, don’t call 911. Try to take care of the problem yourself, and if that doesn’t work it’ll probably still be quicker to find your own transportation to the hospital. You know, taxi, bus, bike, whatever you have handy. Just don’t get a 911 operator on the phone, because apparently they just love to chat.

Everyone have a great long weekend. I’m going to be up in Montreal, our great kind-of French neighbors to the north, which I understand isn’t the best place to be celebrating Independence Day (or as they call it “that alien movie with the Fresh Prince”), but it decidedly is the best place to eat crepes, drink wine, listen to jazz and mingle with the sophisticated population who are, as one friend said, “afflicted with the plague of thin waists and huge breasts.” So to all readers from Montreal: Keep your daughters inside (I’m bringing friends) and I’ll be somewhere on Cresent Street Saturday watching the France-Brazil World Cup game. So come on down and look for the guy drinking wine straight from the bottle screaming, “Use your hands! Come on dipshit, USE YOUR HANDS!”

22 Comments:

I've been following that Penis Pump trial very closely.
(Umm, not because I own one or anything. It's mostly because I care for those involved. Seriously. OK?)

By Blogger Cherry Ride, at 12:38 PM  

ain't no shame in a man devoting his life to topiary.

By Blogger ducklet, at 12:39 PM  

I had forgotten all about the penis pump case! Glad I got to keep up with it here.

Gag gift my ass!

By Blogger Z, at 12:51 PM  

By the way, kudos to the staff writer who penned this line in the penis pump story: ". . . is on trial on charges he used a penis pump on himself in the courtroom while sitting in judgment of others." (emphasis mine)

The ironic insinuation is priceless.

By Blogger the belligerent intellectual, at 12:55 PM  

I think 'guffaw' is exactly what your recount of the would-be 911 call just made me do as I tried not to laugh too hard all by myself in my office.

How the heck do you get just your legs run over anyway?

By Blogger Mood Indigo, at 1:25 PM  

This morning was the first I heard about the Penis Pump story and I just about wrecked my car listening to it all. What kind of idiot!?!??!?!

By Anonymous Kerry, at 3:20 PM  

The penis pump story is...wow. I haven't heard about it so far, but I might have to follow it.

It makes me sad that a 105 year old man bowls a higher score than I do. One time I bowled a 29. I usually get between 58-93. Sigh

By Blogger FlippingChipmunk, at 3:35 PM  

Hmmmmm...penis pump, $7500 a month pension....penis pump, pension, penis pump, pension...I choose PENIS PUMP!

I mean really, what's all that money going to do when your whoo-haa is deflated? Seriously!

On another topic, the last time I bowled I scored a whopping 59. Yup. I may infact be semi-retarded.

And lastly, if I were just runover by a train I would demand MUCH more than a stinking AMBULANCE. Try a few liters of vodka and a joint.

By Blogger Jenni, at 3:36 PM  

Does anyone else find it entertaining that a soccer spectator would be demanding the use of upper limbs during the game? Come on, non-watchers, you can't use your hands in soccer!

That, and Star Jones is already forgotten. But way to go. People, when searching for her "interview" on Larry King will now be directed to Daily Dump. ...a whole new kind of audience for you, no doubt.

By Blogger Kelly, at 3:47 PM  

I'm suddenly self-conscious about the possiblity I've misused the word, "whom."

By Blogger Leezer, at 3:56 PM  

I once bowled a 32. I like to pretend I get confused and think you are supposed to score low in bowling and high in putt-putt.

Also, if I found out that Star Jones had an alien embryo inside of her, eating her alive as it grew, I would not be suprised. I keep waiting for it to jump out like a stripper out of a birthday cake.

By Blogger Rebecca, at 4:47 PM  

Once again, many thanks for keeping me up to date!

By Blogger babyoog, at 5:31 PM  

"I mean really, what's all that money going to do when your whoo-haa is deflated?"

Well with $7500/month I'm sure he could afford one of those water filled balloon rigs doctors can put in there.

/maybe a little powdered sugar

By Blogger Cheeseburger, at 7:37 PM  

Our high school ag program got an early version of the penis pump in 1951. Actually, it was a new automatic milker. One of the lesser-achievers thought that inserting "Mr Johnson" into one of the cups would be a fun thing to do...so he did, and ordered another aggie to turn it on.
It didn't take long before it began to hurt, and he screamed for it to be turned off. By the time power was cut, "Mr Jonson" had swelled to the point he couldn't withdraw, and the tube to the machine was cut. He was taken to the hospital and internal injury was reported. His reputation also suffered some injury!

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:19 PM  

Hi Dad!

By Blogger Leezer, at 11:51 PM  

V of F...How did you know?

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 4:11 PM  

Okay I love Pottery Barn! Miss it!! miss it! Used to be into them and Crate and Barrel.

By Blogger mrsmogul, at 12:39 PM  

Wait, let me get this straight. It's inappropriate for someone to use a penis pump in the work-place?

The thinner Star Jones gets the more she looks like Nicole Richie. They may be the same person.

By Blogger Hope, at 1:14 PM  

Frickin' great post! I started giggling as soon as I read the CNN "Pump" headline. Great line from it: "I was really shocked and I was kind of scared because it was so bizarre," said Foster.

The person was SCARED?!? WTF?

Someone was run over by a train and called 911 themselves? HOLY SHIT!

Have a nice Fourth!

By Blogger liberalbanana, at 9:38 PM  

"I THINK I'm cut in two?" I didn't think there was much grey area in the whole cut in two or not debate.

By Blogger Dr. Kenneth Noisewater, at 1:45 AM  

Don't you just LOVE Star's bobble head look? I think it's undeniably sexy how her skin, previously stretched over a chin that actually protuded forth into the world way before the rest of her (save maybe her stomach. or her ass if she was walking backwards), is now kind of just sagging and waning and how she tries to stick her oddly shaped head further out so we can't tell she's got the extra skin and you know what else? I bet her hubby just grabs those folds of extra skin and rubs them all over his non-homosexual body.

By Blogger birdie, at 10:59 AM  

Yay! I'm a Montrealer and am so excited that you'll be up there during the Jazz festival... It's the first time in years I miss it since I'm living in England now...

Have an awesome time and drink some delicious Sangria for me!

^_^

Also: Happy 4th of July!

By Blogger Nathalie, at 6:06 PM  

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