The Daily Dump

A place where everyone (me) is welcomed to express their opinions openly and honestly. I encourage free thinking, free wheeling, off-the-cuff banter and monetary donations.

Monday, July 31

Connecticut Becomes Officially Useless

I’m not going to go into the specifics, but let’s just say that up until yesterday at 4:30, when I was supposed to be driving my car onto a ferry in New London and cruising blissfully along calm seas to Orient Point, Long Island, thus cutting out interminable hours of additional driving and trafficky mayhem, I liked Connecticut. I thought of it as New England’s suburb, a place where new shades of yellow are invented and polo shirts are handed down from generation to generation. And I’m all for polo shirts and hegemony, and cocktail parties and closeted gay quarterbacks and lighting candles “so things feel special.” But at 4:30 yesterday all that ended. J. Crew is my new sworn enemy and tennis can blow me. You know, Connecticut, for all your civility and prosperity, it would be nice if you could do the “blue collar shit” like take a reservation for the right day of the week during the right month of the year so that when people show up and are like, “Awesome, a nice relaxing ferry boat ride,” that doesn’t immediately turn into three hours of waiting in a “standby line” with exhaust fumes and fat people and only one sudoku puzzle left (the one you planned to do while sitting atop the ferry with the wind in your hair), keeping your sunglasses on even after the sun has set just so others won’t see you cry, and being thrown so far off schedule that the next day, after four refreshing hours of nap, you end up at work wearing flip flops, to the chagrin of everyone around you, walking like a retard to mitigate the ‘flip FLOP’ but, in the process, looking more and more like a retard.

So maybe I went into some specifics, but the bottom line is eff you Connecticut. You’re on the shit list. You have no pro sports team, no major city and you list “foliage” as a tourist attraction on your website. Leaves. Use a week of your vacation time to come check our leaves. Oh, I know. There are other things to do. I’ve seen the commercial. There’s awesome things to do there: You can laugh with your friends and wear sun dresses and hang out at barns and make pretend you’re not still oppressed by the weight of taxes and bills and war because you’re having a glass of wine and the sun is setting. But what Connecticut fails to mention is that a vacation there is about as exciting and relaxing as a vacation in your own backyard with a box of Zinfandel and a Norah Jones CD.

And when the time comes I’m going to let my kid spell it like it sounds because whoever decided on connect-i-cut was clearly learning disabled.


i love me some monday morning rage.

By Blogger mutoni, at 2:03 PM  

Wow...and here I thought all New London offered was the Coast Guard Academy.

My brother graduated from there a couple of years ago so my family rented a van and drove from Biloxi, MS, to New London and back in three days.

We saw nothing but a hell of lot of highway.

New London could have been f*ckin' Shangra La and I would have never known cause I was hopped up on No Doz and coffee.

We're an extremely cheap Scot-Irish lot who searched for a car rental place that charged by the day and not the mile.

When we turned it in...the girl behind the counter looked at our check-out date and our logged 1,400 miles and said we must have calculated wrong.

"Nope," Dad said with a smile...and then paid the girl in pennies.

By Blogger TALK!, at 2:37 PM  

I was going to relate my own personal funny Connecticut story, but "talk!" beat me to it.

By Blogger Cherry Ride, at 4:33 PM  

Hopefully Cape Cod has more to offer than foliage because I am heading there in 10 days.

Seriously, if I travel that effing far and all I get to see are leaves, which we have in California too, so stop acting like you invented nature East Coast, I will be forced to jack the shit out of someone's perfectly manicured lawn.

I don't take shit off of states when it comes to my vacations.

I can, have and will throw some hurtin' on any state that wants to mess with me.

By Blogger Madame Agent, at 4:41 PM  

Didnt Lyme Disease come from Cunettikit?

By Blogger Wide Lawns Subservient Worker, at 4:45 PM  

will z...i think the world (read: this blog) is big enough for a variety (read: evil, funny, pissed off) of accounts regarding all that pertains to konehtihkut.

By Blogger TALK!, at 5:23 PM  

Wow. And I thought Detroit was bad! I'll stay the hell away from New London from now on, thankyouverymuch. If it weren't for heads up from folks like you, BI, I'd be one lost little chicky...

By Blogger Faith, at 5:24 PM  

Madame Agent...word on the street is that Utah wants to meet you behind the gym after fifth period French.

It says it's gonna kick your ass.

By Blogger TALK!, at 5:27 PM  

hmm i wish i could say you're wrong, but in my experience this is pretty accurate...when i went to college in connecticut, i called it patheticut

By Blogger queenie, at 6:42 PM  

Nothing like a micro-psychotic adventure to closeout an otherwise mediocre weekend huh?

wird verification:

I'm so lucky

By Blogger JP, at 6:49 PM  

You are bitter. You need to take another trip with TG, Scott, and John. Please.

By Blogger Leezer, at 12:19 AM  

I agree that Connecticut sux. The only people who can afford to live there are retired hedge fund managers with their trophy wives. The only thing CT has going for it is that (if you're rich enough) you're kids can become date rapists in high schoool and not get prosecuted for it. Ohhh, Alex Kelly, I bet you wish were parents were obscenely rich instead of just regular old rich.

By Blogger HomeImprovementNinja, at 8:55 AM  

Honestly, the best part was where you said that, based on the commercial, you were looking forward to laughing with your friends and wearing a sundress [hang out at barns and make pretend you’re not still oppressed by the weight of taxes and bills and war because you’re having a glass of wine and the sun is setting].

By Blogger Kelly, at 11:00 AM  

It becomes useless? Um, when was it useful?

By Blogger Carrie Broadshoulders, at 12:46 PM  

Have I mentioned lately that you're one of my favorite bloggers? Because you are. I never have anything clever to say other than that you are so damn funny. That is all.

By Blogger liberalbanana, at 12:48 PM  

You have just experienced Connecticut's subtle yet effective defense system against regular folks... It's the waspy -way...

By Blogger Dan, at 1:18 PM  

"You can laugh with your friends and wear sun dresses and hang out at barns and make pretend you’re not still oppressed by the weight of taxes and bills and war because you’re having a glass of wine and the sun is setting."

Funny, this is exactly what I did last summer, when I was in Connecticut for my brother's wedding, which, totally unironically, took place in a barn.

By Blogger Hope, at 2:45 PM  

Their state motto should be as follows:

Connecticut: Nothing Happens, Nothing Matters.

By Anonymous Eliot, at 4:46 PM  

I once heard this girl on the radio who kept making it a point to pronounce the middle "c" in Connecticut. Like she would say CONNECT-TUH-KET. And the radio DJ was like, "uh, so you say that middle 'c'?" And the girl was like, "Yes, that's the correct way." This girl clearly demonstrates the need for a female equivalent of "douchebag."

By Blogger TCho, at 9:44 AM  

that's why you should always take the Bridgeport Ferry!! Plus, Port Jefferson is way nicer than stupid Orient Point. And their reservation system is always right. And I love them.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:07 PM  

god i am so glad someone else shares my immense hatred for connecticut as much as i do.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:40 PM  

We are well off without you.

By Anonymous Bill Nickerson, at 7:50 PM  

Welcome to the 06, bitch.

By Blogger idratherbesailing, at 1:32 PM  

hey just so you ignorant people know connecticut isnt just stupidly rich people i work 40 hours a week and still dont make enough money so if you think all it is is stuck up rich people your sorely mistaken

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