The Daily Dump

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Wednesday, July 5

Montreal Vignette Numéro Un
Discussing Gross Things In The Car


Scene: In the car, somewhere in upstate New York. John is reading an article in GQ magazine. The article, entitled The Legend of the Dirty Sanchez, concerns nicknames for a variety of vulgar sex acts. John giggles profoundly to himself. After an indistinguishable moment of careful consideration, he decides to share a selection of the article with us. Everything is very serious, as this is a vignette after all.

John: (reading from the magazine) “. . . at some point in the mid-'90s, the terms were compiled (and expanded, amended, and annotated) in lists that spread across the Internet via e-mails and Web sites. The world was soon introduced to the Cleveland Steamer (dump/chest), the Hot Lunch (dump/mouth), the Glass Bottom Boat (dump/Saran wrap/mouth), the Blumpkin (fellatio/toilet), the Cold Lunch (fellatio/vomit), the Swimmers Ear (semen/ear), the Greek (semen/eyes), and the Jelly Doughnut (semen /eyes/punch/blood).”

The Girlfriend: (to herself, realizing she is only two hours in to a four day long vacation with three guys) “Fuck.”

John: (continuing from magazine) “Some of the acts require specialized genetic equipment, like the Arabian Goggles, described as "a seldom-seen maneuver when you put your testicles over her eye sockets while getting head" . . . or the Angry Dragon (“Immediately after you blow your load in a girl’s mouth, smack the back of her head and make it come out her nose.”) . . . Others demand a fair amount of preparation, such as the Abraham Lincoln (the act of shaving one's pubic hair and keeping it. Then ejaculating on a partner's face and throwing the pubic hair on their face so that it sticks, in a manner which supposedly resembles the beard of President Abraham Lincoln").”

Me: “That’s actually an awesome idea.”

Scott: “But John’s favorite is the Bismarck.”

Me: “What’s the Bismarck?”

Scott: “When a girl is sucking you off and when she is done you look at her and say, ‘Whatever.’”

(A pause, as we listen to the road move underneath us.)

End.

21 Comments:

Oh, I can hardly wait for BI Mom's comment on this one. Please tell me this is just a small forshadowing of what is to come for the rest of the weekend...

PS - word verification: fujhu (which appropriately enough is, I think, a term for a sex act that should have been in that GQ article)

By Blogger Cherry Ride, at 5:40 PM  

That is so gross! I can't wait to hear more, but that is so gross!

By Blogger FlippingChipmunk, at 6:15 PM  

Oh oh! I can't wait either.

And, uh, thanks for the clarification on some of those terms. Now I can totally hang with the guys.

By Blogger Jaime, at 6:15 PM  

disgusting.

if this is all you brain can come up with, we're all in trouble.

By Blogger belligerent mother, at 6:47 PM  

I don't love Scott anymore.

word verification: pruud

By Blogger Leezer, at 7:10 PM  

I love road trips.

By Blogger Sexy Lexi, at 7:24 PM  

Not my fault it's his favorite.

By Blogger [Disgrundled], at 7:35 PM  

Oh my god. I'm sorry, but I did laugh at the Abraham Lincoln. The rest are pretty bad.

By Blogger Jess Riley, at 9:03 PM  

If my husband gave me an Angry Dragon I'd punch him in the nutsack.

Seriously.

By Blogger Jenni, at 10:53 PM  

Am I too ____ for not understanding some of the references?? heh... (eg. Cleveland steamer!?)

p.s. you look a lot better in the previous post's photo than the family one

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 12:39 AM  

This post was offensive....yet beautiful.

By Blogger My Novelty Organ, at 12:43 AM  

The key word in The Angry Dragon is angry, since that is what you may make the young lady when you slap her in the back of the head causing her to shoot cum out of her nose and accross the room. Hey, at least she didn't have to swallow . . .

By Blogger Dr. Kenneth Noisewater, at 1:21 AM  

Dr. Kenneth:
Thank you for such a NICE comment -TWICE! GAH.

By Blogger Leezer, at 1:46 AM  

ew

By Anonymous Bird Girl, at 3:23 AM  

jenni --

Some guys would pay extra for that kind of reaction.

You could call it "the jenni finish" ...

By Anonymous slinkybender, at 9:49 AM  

I'd like to reassure everyone that no women were injured during the writing of this post. The women's movement in general may have been somewhat hampered, but the important thing to remeber is that we were just reading from an article in GQ, which stands for "Gentleman's Quarterly." So we're all gentlemen here.

By Blogger the belligerent intellectual, at 10:30 AM  

I heard a song on the radio the other day that used all of these terms. You all think anybody ever really tries any of this nonsense? They can't possibly.

By Blogger Wide Lawns Subservient Worker, at 10:36 AM  

Oddly, I had this conversation with co-workers a week or so ago concerning the same article (they were reading). Even stranger, the night before that my husband and I were discussing those terms without knowing about the article.

For clarification:
Cleveland Steamroller involves pooping on your partner (a hot carl) and then sitting on it and rocking back and forth to sort of "patty" it out (hence the steamroller part).

And the Abraham Lincoln is a hilarious concept regardless of it's foulness level.

By Blogger ❉ pixie ❉, at 3:10 PM  

Guys are sick. Sick and twisted. I may have to go gay now. Or at least curl up in the corner for a while. And who are the girls who put up with this crap?! I mean, there is kinky, but then there is... this...

Though at least I have flashbacks of "Sex and the City" in my head to comfort me. "I mean, why don't you throw lukewarm water on me to start?"

By Blogger Rebecca, at 4:26 PM  

Damn you, BI, for making me laugh WAY TOO MUCH at stuff that I cannot EVER share with my co-workers because OH MY GODDDDD. Who DOES that stuff?!? I'm with Jenni - but if anyone did ANY of that stuff to me, I'd cut every part of his manbits clean off.

By Blogger liberalbanana, at 4:30 PM  

I was looking for decorating ideas for our bedroom and was thinking something Hemingway, something Cuban, and at one point during my search googled "Havana Style".

What a mistake (especially at work).

But thanks. Your post grossed me out more.

By Blogger hanmee, at 1:33 PM  

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