The Daily Dump

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Monday, July 17

The Post That The Girlfriend Will Refer To As “That Stupid Post”

A good friend of mine recently announced her engagement, and while I can’t get over the fact that she is younger than me and getting married, I guess I have to accept the fact that she is prettier than me and this, among other things (like free drinks and the freedom to wear sun dresses in hot weather without being made fun of) is one of the benefits of being a pretty girl.

Besides that, though, I was thoroughly impressed with the way in which her fiancée proposed to her. You see movies and TV shows all the time with people dropping rings in glasses of champagne or hiding it in the dessert, only to have the unsuspecting woman swallow the diamond and then everyone involved go on a wild series of slapstick events to get the ring back (I watch TBS), but often it’s the normal stories that are more heartfelt, because, well, they are more plausible than training an elephant to kneel down and present the ring to a woman using his trunk.1

How he proposed was this: They were spending a normal Sunday together and all day she had been saying how she wanted iced cream, and he continually balked at the idea, saying he wasn’t in the mood for iced cream.2 Then, later in the evening, he finally said, “OK, do you want to go down to the beach and get some iced cream and sit on the bench and watch the sun set?” She excitedly said yes, and as they finished their iced cream and sat there looking out over the water he leaned over and said, “Would you be my wife?”

Can you say “brilliant”? It’s cute, and tender, and memorable in its simplicity, but what I like most of all is the set-up: all day long brushing off the idea of getting iced cream until finally, late in the day, suggesting yourself that you get iced cream, putting her in the best mood possible immediately before popping the question. The simplicity of the initial request (iced cream) pales in comparison to the complexity of the impending request (to be his wife), but the happiness fostered by the acquiescence to the first request is so enormous (who doesn’t love iced cream?) that its resulting euphoria is more than enough to put her in the right frame of mind to say yes to the following question! It’s the old bait and switch! (Ed. Note: No, it’s not.) Plus she loved him, which, according to the magazines I read, is the best reason to get married, iced cream high aside.

But the whole thing got me thinking about how I will propose to my future wife someday. What “tactic” would I use? Would we be drunk? On instant messenger?3 Or will I have no plan at all and get caught up in a moment of whimsy at our local bagel shop and pop the question forgetting that I have neither a ring nor the money to buy a ring, nor the money to purchase the bagel, leaving me with a lingering second question, “ . . . and can I borrow $2.25?”

Yes, I fully expect it to be an awkward moment for everyone involved, from the potential bride straight down through to the guy in a wheelchair I topple as I suddenly kneel down on a crowded sidewalk in midtown. Because if you know anything about me, you know two things: that I climb things when I get drunk, and that I am awful at talking to girls I like when I am unsure if they like me.

You see, normally, I am the kind of guy who doesn’t ask questions he doesn’t already know the answer to. It prevents surprises, let downs, basically all those things in life that people say make them “grow” and “learn” and “feel.” And being that I can easily see any marriage proposal I make going either way, I’m bound to be a little bit nervous when the time comes. And nervousness makes me, as the French say, retarded.

Consider the last time I really went out on a limb and asked a girl out (or tried to) who I wasn’t sure would say yes. This happened:

Scene: We are amongst a group of people, drunk at a bar. (Romantic!) I spy her move away from the pack and towards the bar. I follow, probably appearing to any sober third party as if ready to put a bag over her head and make off with her.

Her: (seeing me approach) “Hey.”

Me: “Hey.”

Her: (making the normal pleasant conversation that normal pleasant girls make, but I hear . . .) “Hmmm alalaba, boopboop neeeeee naww–“

Me: (interrupting mid-sentence) “So I like you.”

Silence, and sweating.

More silence. Overwhelming regret.

I become desperate for something, anything, to say as it is clear that she will never speak again.

Me: (spying the menu on a chalkboard above the bar) “Hey, I never knew mayonnaise had two n’s in it.”

I then place my drink down on the bar, gather up my coat and leave.

Hence, the plan to have the elephant there – because if I am going to slink away in grand embarrassment, I am at least going to do so atop a majestic elephant.

_________________________
1. No one steal this idea, as it is my back-up.
2. This is where, if he had been proposing to The Girlfriend, the plan would have fallen apart because The Girlfriend would have said, “I wasn’t asking you if you wanted iced cream,” and then gone by herself to get it.
3.

47 Comments:

BI:
I could write a wise, older-sister type comment here that would be really long and insightful, but if I'm not mistaken you have at least one sister so I won't do that.

Except for one thing: Please dont, don't DONT propose during a televised half-time event or at a professional sporting event. These proposals are all about the ego of the proposer and have nothing to do with love for the proposee.

Is it ice cream or iced cream? Have I been saying/writing ice cream incorrectly all these years? Help.

By Blogger Leezer, at 4:11 PM  

Yeah the iced cream thing threw me off.

But since you never ask questions you don't already know the answer to, I will in fact marry you. So feel free to ask away.

By Blogger Carrie Broadshoulders, at 4:14 PM  

Viscoutness - it was throwing me off the entire time too.

iced cream

Iced \Iced\, a. 1. Covered with ice; chilled with ice; as, iced water.

2. Covered with something resembling ice, as sugar icing; frosted; as, iced cake.

Whereas:

ice cream
n.
A smooth, sweet, cold food prepared from a frozen mixture of milk products and flavorings, containing a minimum of 10 percent milk fat and eaten as a snack or dessert.

So, BI's friend could have really fancied cream covered with ice, but it was probly not exactly the case.

But now I want some ice cream...


Oh, and, whatta sweet story.

By Blogger Kelly, at 4:20 PM  

Frickin' awesome post.

You know, when I work at my second job where I see people's information on forms all day long, I get all weirded out when they're married and younger than I am, too. Even worse? When they already have kids in college.* It's just weird.

*Okay, well not quite because they would've had to procreate at the ripe old age of 8 which I'm entirely sure is possible...but these days, it just might be.

By Blogger liberalbanana, at 4:22 PM  

Derrrr...that was supposed to "which I'm NOT entirely sure is possible..."

That'll teach me not to hit the "Preview" button.

By Blogger liberalbanana, at 4:24 PM  

I gotta find that sign.

By Blogger tall 1, at 4:33 PM  

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ice_cream

I'm an old fashioned kind of guy.

But what's really important is that everyone honed in on the important parts of the post.

By Blogger the belligerent intellectual, at 4:37 PM  

Don't let them pick on you, BI. It may have taken us all a bit longer to read that paragraph than it would have had you used the up-to-date, "hip" term for frozen creamy goodness, but I got over it. I don't know that I'll be able to refer to it as "ice cream" ever again, in fact. You're such a trend-setter!

And I have effectively ruined the proposal for my boyfriend all together, since he knows that I will definitely be saying "yes" whenever he asks me. What can I say? It's obvious we belong together. (He has that same ring problem, though. I finally showed him the kind of style I'm leaning towards, as well as the $50 options there are in the same style. I don't care of it's real stuff on the ring...I just like what it symbolizes.)

Now I can't wait to see when/where/how he does it. Fun!

And that was a very sweet story, "iced cream" issues aside. Thanks for sharin'.

By Blogger Faith, at 4:54 PM  

Just to add fuel to the fire...I agree that the "iced" cream was really distracting.

Why is your girlfriend going to refer to this as "that stupid post"?

By Blogger rawbean, at 5:01 PM  

I prefer the term iced cream. I was reading an article on grammar the other day (yes, I am a nerd) and it mentioned that ice cream used to be iced cream. I say we switch back!

Also, this friend of a friend proposed to his now fiancee in the "Love Cave." (http://www.islandoutpost.com/the_caves/) The other non-married girl and I will never accept anything less now (her mom also has a minimum for the ring: $10000). Our men have a lot to live up to. Though if any man promised me a lifetime of cappuccino blasts, I'd probably say yes. I really love those things.

By Blogger Rebecca, at 5:01 PM  

I saw a tv show where this guy arranged it with the zoo so that a penguin would present his girlfriend with the ring. NO, I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP.

Your elephant could crush that penguin. Literally, I suppose, should they ever find themselves in the same ecosystem.

By Blogger mysterygirl!, at 5:13 PM  

What the fark is iced cream? That's all I could think about the whole time while reading your post. It really thru me off... Please dont do that again... Once my mind wanders it has a hard time coming back.

By Blogger Softball Slut, at 5:22 PM  

This is the grammar nazi that picked on BI last week about the unhyphenated compound adjective, and I agree that the preferred style for the grammarians is "iced cream".

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 5:25 PM  

As a recent proposer I suggest alcohol. Lots and lots of alcohol.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 5:37 PM  

I have two plans for getting the future Mrs. Ninja to marry me:

1) plan a surprise wedding and hope that she will say yes in order to not let down her family/friends. I think the girl I date whom I like enough to marry will be the type of person who bends to peer pressure like that.

2) kidnap her dog/cat/irreverent talking parrot and send her a note saying "if you want [pet's name] to live, marry me! If not, I'll go ahead and make General Tso's chicken out it, you heartless bitch!". That one's got maternal instincts and childish rage in it. Nobody steal that one.

By Blogger HomeImprovementNinja, at 5:37 PM  

Mystery Girl! Where have you been? Update your blog!!!

By Blogger Leezer, at 5:44 PM  

Hahahahahahaha I can't stop laughing at this post...I really relate to that last part...

By Anonymous Amish, at 5:52 PM  

I can't get over the whole "iced cream" thing...infact, it makes me twitch. It's ICE CREAM.

Ahem.

And there is nothing wrong with being drunk in a bar when you're proposed to. I was drunk in a bar when my husband proposed to me. As a matter of fact I was drunk in a bar in Northern Wisconisn at 5:00 in the afternoon to be exact. It was the Fourth of July and I was waisted. Ah, memories.

By Blogger Jenni, at 6:27 PM  

Come on BI, just propose already.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 6:29 PM  

BI:
But back to the topic at hand. You wrote,

"while I can’t get over the fact that she is younger than me and getting married, I guess I have to accept the fact that she is prettier than me and this, among other things . . .is one of the benefits of being a pretty girl."

Are we to infer that you would like to be married? It seems like you are chewing on this idea and somewhat perplexed that others manage to do it. Im just sayin.

By Blogger Leezer, at 6:39 PM  

BI can't propose until BJ does!

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 6:42 PM  

TheGirlfriend, will you marry me?

By Blogger Rune, at 10:03 PM  

Hee hee! You made me laugh out loud with the shocked face on the IM proposal. Then my boyfriend leaned over to see what I was reading, saw the proposal theme, and then guuulp! Nothing but boyfriend-shaped puff of smoke. Sigh. Humor hurts.

Why will the girlfriend not like this post? Because you refer to some vague future-wife instead of her? Or because she hates elephants?

By Blogger shirley, at 10:08 PM  

Iced cream? Is that a New York thing?

By Blogger FlippingChipmunk, at 11:31 PM  

i think the most romantic thing is to hide the ring around your cock. that's what I did!

oh, wait, she's got REALLY big fingers, just so you know.

fuck. i'm just not gonna win on this one...

By Blogger ducklet, at 12:08 AM  

You know what trend I hate? Girls that give guys ultimatums about proposing to them. How fricking unromantic is that? Maybe I'm old fashioned, but that's not the way it's supposed to go down. Bottom line, if it's over ICED cream by the lake or over numerous beers in Wisconsin, what's important is that both parties are in love with one another and 100% sure they are making the right choice.

By Blogger Dr. Kenneth Noisewater, at 12:42 AM  

I marvel at your friend's genius. The seduction of food cannot be denied. That said, every girl deserves a proposal that is wild and drunk. The answer isn't usually the one Dan is looking for, but she will never forget it.

By Blogger Janet, at 2:18 AM  

next time someone asks to marry me I am going to say no so that they can ask me in a different way every day until they do one that is all irresistable and crap like that story.

By Blogger Starlet, at 3:34 AM  

Just don't do it at the beach. My dumbass friend decided to propose to his girlfriend in the water and she was so happy and excited that she dropped the ring and they never found it.

please please please do it over your blog. Nothing says special and intimate like asking a woman to spend the rest of her life with you in front of thousands of strangers and just below the words "the daily dump." do it!

By Blogger Lizzie, at 4:20 AM  

Iced cream... yes, yes. Great term.

"Smithers, why did you iron a crease in these dungaries? I look like a square!"

By Blogger Alex Fritz, at 8:12 AM  

I remember watching game 7 of the 2003 Stanley Cup finals (NJ vs. Anaheim). Before the game, they interviewed a couple that just got engaged because the guy promised at the start of the playoffs that if Anaheim won they cup, he'd marry her. The guy didn't look too happy during the interview. I figure his girlfriend had been nagging him about getting married for a long time, so he just said he'd do it if the Ducks won, figuring it couldn't happen. Of course, the Ducks didn't win, but I guess she was able to turn the screws enough after they forced game 7. The moral of this convulted story is, if you want to delay marriage indefinitely by linking it to the success of an underachieving sports team, use the Washington Generals, or someone else who is contractually obliged to lose all of the time.

By Blogger dhodge, at 10:16 AM  

Richard asked me to marry him while we were on a cruise. He wanted to go video the sunset so at approximately 5:16pm or something he gathered everyone up so we could go see the sunset. He had arranged it all so that someone would be there to video him proposing... at sunset. I cried :) of course.

He knew the answer.. i was just waiting for the question.

By Anonymous Kerry, at 10:19 AM  

Nick: Did you read Dan's blog?
me: No, not yet... hang on.
Nick: Read the comments too.

(pause)

me: Wow, you're getting a lot of props on there for your proposal.
Nick: I am the man.
Nick: (but you already knew that)

Nice post, but you might be feeding his ego a bit too much.

By Blogger Libby Mae Brown, at 10:37 AM  

My boyfriend keeps threatening to use e-mail and a timed courier. Not exactly IM, but close.

By Anonymous Amanda, at 10:51 AM  

i think i kinda like iced cream. it sounds eloquent.

as for the proposal, that was cute.

sadly, i i don't really like iced cream. unless you count fried iced cream. that stuff's awesome.

By Blogger Kawaii desu ne, at 11:46 AM  

Were there words after "ice cream"?

Oh really?

*goes back to look*

Dear Potential Future Husband of Jill if he reads The Daily Dump: DEFINITELY STEAL THAT IDEA. IT'S ADORABLE. Also, it wouldn't be too difficult to set up, as most of my life involves me suggesting to the other person in the room "let's go get some ice cream". Repeatedly.

By Blogger Jill, at 12:41 PM  

Well as long as we're being nitpicky, technically the guy's a "fiance" and the woman's a "fiancee" . Someone informed me the other day that they're also pronounced differently. Which is gay.

By Blogger felicity, at 1:42 PM  

Not as gay as the fact you knew that.

By Blogger Carrie Broadshoulders, at 2:30 PM  

Great post!! Seriously, love it all! Although, my feeling after eating ice cream might be guilt.. so maybe not the BEST time for my BF to pop the question ; )~ I actually LOVE the im idea- but only if he's at the door w/ his blackberry or something- A long distance "will you Marry Me" would be a bit of a bummer if you couldn't "celebrate" together! : )
~Fab : )

By Blogger Officially Fabulous, at 3:25 PM  

My favorite:
Couple eating dinner in a Chinese restaurant....
Girl: Why don't we get married?
Boy: Let's talk about this after dinner, okay?
Girl: No, I want to talk about it now. You're always putting it off.
Boy: I won't put it off. Let's just wait until after dinner.
(this goes on for about 20 minutes, and ruins both dinners.)
Girl: (sulk, sulk)
Boy: (cringe, cringe)
They eat, the fortune cookies come out and the girl's cookie says, "_____, Will you marry me?"

She said yes, but she felt about this (.) tall.

True story, former roommate. And they are very happy and have 3 cute kids.

btw, I didn't even notice you called it "iced cream."

By Blogger Mollypalooza, at 3:30 PM  

Felicity, if we are really going to be picky, both fiancé and fiancée need the accent. It's a French word and the French add "e"'s to show gender. The accent is just on there.

By Blogger Rebecca, at 4:33 PM  

ummm...my parents were driving on the nj turnpike when my dad pulled the car over and said, "hey, we should get married!"...they weren't even dating...they got married about a week later...they're still married, so i guess it turned out pretty well...lol

By Blogger Laurel, at 10:56 AM  

hilarious post, and I thought the 'iced cream' part added to the hilarity. I love you BI... just not as much as I love me some cake batter iced cream

By Anonymous mara, at 12:00 PM  

Oh the trouble you get when you throw an old fashioned twist on a frozen delight! I would love it if the proposal wasnt smooth and rehearsed, I like the idea that he would be just as excited and nervous as me. I prefer a monkey to an elephant. Perhaps the monkey could hold out his little cup and inside would be the RING... yay.

By Anonymous shawna, at 2:38 PM  

I know a guy who took his girlfriend to the Bahamas for vacation. They did the dolphin experience thing and he had it set up so that the dolphin would swim over to the girlfriend with the ring in it's mouth. Yeah, a dolphin gave her the ring! It wasn't the real ring though, he didn't trust a dolphin with a diamond ring, so he swapped it out when the real one after she said yes. Best proposal I've heard of.

By Anonymous maevemealone, at 6:08 PM  

My hubby and I are big fans of Buffy, and he goes to ComiCon in San Diego every July (yes, I know, it's geeky).

A couple of years ago, he was getting something autographed by Joss Whedon, and had brought the video camera with him.

When Hubby returned, we watched the tapes he shot while there. After various panels, goofy hotel-room antics and zoomed-in pictures of celebrities too far away to actually talk to, Joss Whedon comes on tape with this (names changed to protect the, uh, well, us):

"Jane, if you're not too busy or doing anything else, would you marry Joe?"

I looked at "Joe" and said, "Are you serious?" and he said "Sure." I said, "Cool, okay."

That Christmas, he gave me a beautiful card signed "your future husband" which then directed me to look behind a certain DVD in the bookcase. There I found a lovely solitaire engagement ring -- which I had told him, in all truthfulness, that I did not need -- sparkling in the box.

My mother was there with us, and she had tears welling up in her eyes... the three of us went out back to look at the ring in the sun (Christmas is gorgeous in Phoenix), and at that moment, were graced with the presence of two Harris hawks who perched in the palm tree in the house behind ours, just sitting there 20 feet away...

The next November, we were married at an historic ranch on the Verde river.

It was the perfect proposal for me :-)

Bird Girl

p.s. we had already bought a house together, and he had given me a dog, a turtle, and a few birds by this time (my "babies")... it was only a matter of time before we actually got around to making it all legal LOL

By Blogger Bird Girl, at 3:34 AM  

DONT propose during a sad moment - yeah no brainer, but hey. My husband proposed the day after my 1st dog (and love of my life) was hit by a car. He said he hated how our family had been made smaller and wanted to make us official as a family - so will you be my wife. both of us were sobbing in sadness at time...I did later find out that he was looking for rings for about 2 weeks before... spontanious can be good and bad - i dont have good memories (but i go think it was kinda sweet) of our engagement...but hell

By Blogger mish, at 6:54 PM  

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