The Daily Dump

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Thursday, July 13

Secret To Staying Young: Making Pretend You Are Young


Last night after braving the rain and humidity* for a trek down to the Ray LaMontagne / Guster concert in Prospect Park, The Girlfriend and I, plus her brother and his girlfriend who are visiting from Maine, cabbed back to the Upper East Side and went to DT/UT for a nightcap. DT/UT is one of those really eccentric, hip places, where people use the word “vibe” when describing it – the kind of place that requires adjectives, which I hate, so here’s a picture.















The place ended up being packed, but there happened to be a couch and a few chairs available in a little side room; the reason being, of course, that also in the room was a couple dry humping one another on a separate loveseat. And presumably because dry humping is so awesome, no one wanted to interrupt them. We stopped outside the little enclave and silently motioned to one another, “No, you go first. No, YOU,” for about five minutes before finally I walked in and said, “Hey, you don’t mind if we sit here, do you?”

Of course, because dry humping is so mind blowing, and you really can’t stop once you’ve started, they pretty much ignored us as we sat down with our drinks and tried desperately to talk about anything besides the awkwardly intimate moment happening right besides us. I mean, my foot touched his foot. And I was like, “Oh, sorry,” and he was like, “(muffled sound of tongue on tongue).”

At that point, the only thing to do was take pictures.













The quality is so poor because we were afraid to use the flash. (Personally, I like the “surveillance camera” look. It gives it more of a “night vision, end of Silence of the Lambs” feel.) But once we realized these two were utterly oblivious to anything except his jean erection in her hip bone, we were like “Weekend at Bernie’s!”















Finally after a third shot (the title banner shot) they were roused to attention with the guy saying, “No pictures, please.” I felt like saying, “Listen dude – one, it’s a free country. Two, I have a blog. Alright? Do you know what that means? That means when two people engage in heavy petting in a bar, I’m going to take a picture of it. Third, I think it’s safe to say the GHB is working, you an take her home now.”

But before any of us could say anything, the couple sat up and the guy, after collecting himself, said, “How old do you think I am?”

Stunned, but for some reason perfectly happy to play along, because I love games, I say, “28.” He then says, “Interesting . . . and how old do you think she is?” gesturing to the girl sitting silently, primly next to him.

Here is where I think, for the first time, that these two may be the type of couple you hear about on shows like “American Justice” who lure strangers into their web of kindness with quirky question and answer games and then, after gaining trust and confidence, murder their new friends and use their preserved corpses as “guests” at future “dinner parties.” Of course, though, I still play along. “27,” I say.

The guy then smiles a big, glowing smile and proudly says, “What would you say if I told you I was 34. And she is 36.” Our jaws drop in exaggerated astonishment, because really who gives a fuck? Sure, they looked young for their age, but already we liked them better when they were making out with one another and leaving us alone. We try to go back to our own conversation, but now that they are free from one another’s embrace, they seem to need to acknowledge us. Eventually, it gets to the point where they are pushing this age topic so much that this bit of dialogue happens:

Brother’s Girlfriend: (trying to find something to say) “So do you use moisturizer?”

Girl: “Yeah, moisturizer is good. Important.”

Guy: “And she has a child! (gesturing to her flat stomach) Can you believe a baby came out of that?”

It is here that everyone in the room who isn’t insane (the four of us) want to run. But the guy, unprompted, immediately goes into his sales pitch: “There are three things you have to do to stay young looking: 1. no smoking (dramatic pause, waiting for nods of approval); 2. no drugs (dramatic pause, waiting for nods of approval); and 3. no drinking.” We all look at the drinks in our hands and say, “Oh well.” Then the crazy girl offers to take a picture of us, the guy makes a joke about stealing the camera, and as we prepare to leave, my head swirling with awkwardness as I try to sort out the night’s events, I am sure of only two things: That even if I survive some chemical accident that causes me to age in reverse and I look seven years old when I am in fact 45, I will not ask anyone, “How old do you think I am?”; and that, despite my entire high school experience, dry humping is about as satisfying as digging for a coin in your pocket.

___________________________________
* About halfway through Guster’s set, the lead singer gave the standard “thanks for coming out” speech, only he started it with, “The weather reports were bad, but you guys all came anyway. Thanks for braving the humidity to be here.” WTF, braving the humidity? Does this guy know there’s a war going on in Iraq?

50 Comments:

Wooo! First comment!

That's quite awkward. Though I can kind of understand the no pictures request, it's not like he wasn't in a public place making out with someone. They kind of brought it on themselves. And I would have totally tried to take pictures as well.

By Blogger FlippingChipmunk, at 1:48 PM  

Hahahahahahahaha....

I was at that concert too. I also wtf'd the humidity comment!

By Anonymous Amish, at 2:19 PM  

Making out is awesome, but among those of us who make out in public, I think it's generally understood that everyone who sees you will make fun of you and/or take pictures of you and post them on the internet.

If that couple weren't so old, perhaps they might understand that.

By Blogger Jaime, at 2:29 PM  

Holy crap. I thought this was going to be over after the pictures, then came the awkwardness. Hilarious. Did he think you were taking pictures because you found them so incredibly attractive? And the fact that he said, "No pictures please?" Who says that? As if he's constantly getting bombarded with people wanting to take his picture. I could do on and on. This stuff only happens to you.

By Blogger Hope, at 2:30 PM  

Its kinda like "Thanks for braving the traffic" or "Thanks for not dying so Ticketmaster could take some more of your money"

By Anonymous benny, at 2:31 PM  

BI:

If you didn't leave when you did, they would have next said, "do you swing?"

By Blogger Leezer, at 2:39 PM  

The poor, poor child of that woman. I can only imagine his/her future trama.
And shouldn't they have outgrown the dry humping in public by now?

And I hate humidity. It turns my hair into a wild animal that is attempting to strangle me with its puny appendages while simultaneously trying to escape from my head. Maybe the lead singer has had such an episode and thus can understand the horrors inherent in humidity. Either that, or he's strange. Or both.

By Blogger Rebecca, at 2:47 PM  

I like that bar. It reminds me of the set of Friends, except that I'm sure that the Bohemian couches there aren't props and actually smell like homeless people. That's real NY!

By Blogger HomeImprovementNinja, at 2:49 PM  

I love that last picture with the hand gestures and the look on the lovely ladies face (not sure if that's girlfriend or brother's girlfriend).

word verification: recwea

Somehow this seems appropriate for the post.

By Blogger ❉ pixie ❉, at 2:51 PM  

Exactly, homeimprovement. I was actually going to describe it as "looking like the set of 'Friends' but smelling like the set of 'NYPD Blue.' " You know, the smell of blood and grittiness.

By Blogger the belligerent intellectual, at 2:58 PM  

I loved the pictures... and the fact that he said, "No pictures please."

I can't help but assume after they were done with their rather childish sex, they were talking to you fellows in hopes that you would begin taking pictures again, print them out, and brag to people you meet everyday, "Hey, these are good friends of mine... guess how old they are?"

By Blogger Janet, at 3:00 PM  

OK, not to be mean or anything, but that 36 year-old chick's stomach isn't very flat, judging from the first picture. What a bunch of douche nuggets.

By Blogger Cherry Ride, at 3:02 PM  

Will, that's a fantastic point. I hadn't noticed. But I swear when she was sitting up, it was much flatter. Meaning that she was probably sucking it in. Meaning she's a liar and probably doesn't even have a kid. Meaning I feel a little more comfortable with the world right now.

By Blogger the belligerent intellectual, at 3:08 PM  

Guster?

By Blogger copyranter, at 4:01 PM  

i think i love you. except you should've stayed.

By Blogger Lori, at 4:09 PM  

So how was Ray La Montagne. He's coming here in Sept and I'm STOKED!
PS. Illict couples are so boring. No drinking, drugs or smoking. The only vice left is exhibition...flat stomach or not. It makes you if they had the same sort of attitidude when she went into labor. Did they drive to a bowling alley for the delivery? hmmm no..maybe the mall.

By Blogger JP, at 4:09 PM  

Ray was good. I mean, I love the music, I love seeing it live, but preferrably in a small venue. And he seems to have taken this "shy" thing a bit too far. I get it, you've got some stage fright or whatever it is. But the dude says no more than 10 words per show. At least give us something like, "So how's everyone doing tonight? I hate being up here. It scares the shit out of me. I wrote this next one for my dead girlfriend. Hope you enjoy it."

By Blogger the belligerent intellectual, at 4:21 PM  

No, Jamie, this stuff also happens to me. Sorry.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 4:34 PM  

Hooray! You're linked on Gawker!

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 4:50 PM  

I'm 35, and would never make out with someone in public like that... but at the same time, I don't think it's a question of age, but rather of a basic lack of common sense/courtesy (in other words, those idiots were probably bugging people with their dry-humping ten years ago too)

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 4:57 PM  

So did they take a picture of you guys? Where is it?

By Blogger Carrie Broadshoulders, at 4:57 PM  

Hilarious.

But just in case some young-looking 30-something whippersnapper tries to float that health-conscious line on you in the near future let me assure you...

I am almost 43 years old. I had a serious coke habit for 10 years. I have smoked a pack of cigarettes a day since the age of 12. I like to drink and I go out all the time. I don't belong to a gym. I eat whatever I want. I have never had plastic surgery. I might have a portrait of myself aging gracefully in an attic somewhere but I look like I'm 28.

It's genes, baby. Looking young is all about the genes.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 5:00 PM  

I know drugs, smoking and alcohol age you but how do you explain Johny Depp or Kate Moss?
I'd rather look old and have partied than look young having not partied and led a wholesome, boring existence.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 5:02 PM  

I don't understand. I figured this couple would have been absolutely wasted to behave like that in a public place, yet they said they don't drink.

By Blogger Erin Mc, at 5:13 PM  

Uh...who drinks Sam Adams Light?

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 5:14 PM  

“There are three things you have to do to stay young looking: 1. no smoking (dramatic pause, waiting for nods of approval); 2. no drugs (dramatic pause, waiting for nods of approval); and 3. no drinking.”

Fuck that, then, I'd rather look old.



Seriously.

By Blogger T., at 5:29 PM  

WTF, braving the humidity? Does this guy know there’s a war going on in Iraq?

yes, but it's a dry heat.

By Blogger Boobs Radley, at 5:37 PM  

That second picture is priceless!

By Anonymous Cranky, at 5:43 PM  

ahah that is hilarious! Thank goodness you took pictures. That made the story even better! When there is action like that... you must take pictures. its the law!

By Anonymous Kerry, at 5:58 PM  

We have a place just like that in Minneapolis called "The Chatterbox." It has old school Atari's and Nintendo's, board games and cards. Oh, and Photo Hunt.

Next time I go there I'm totally dry humping on the couch.

By Blogger Jenni, at 7:00 PM  

AWh man, I need to carry my camera around more so I can catch stuff like that.

The last few lines of this post are hilarious. I'm gonna use that every time some complains "do you realise there is a war going on in Iraq?" Hope you don't mind.

By Blogger rawbean, at 7:08 PM  

I love the Abu Ghraib feel of the final photo. You make a great Lindy England.

By Blogger MDS, at 7:08 PM  

BI, I've been reading your blog for about the last 5 months...just wanted to commend you on it - you've made me shoot tea through my nose laughing a good few times(that's nowhere near as fun as it sounds).
I've a gig recommendation for you - Tommy Tiernan at The Actor's Playhouse
http://www.nytheatre.com/nytheatre/loos3752.htm. He's an Irish comedian, he's playing there til 15th July, I'm not his agent or anything...or him...scanning new york blogs on which to plug my gigs..that would be sad.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 7:49 PM  

The woman at the table with the goblet of red wine is ALWAYS staked out at DT/UT. She's not a regular, she's a lifer. I've seen her BARK at another patron. I'm sure had she gotten whiff of the dry-humping, she'd have made the story SO much funnier.

By Anonymous kwanito, at 8:19 PM  

Um, I think the lead singer of Guster was being a tad sarcastic. That's sort of what they do during their stage banter.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 9:08 PM  

funny. yet whiny.
you get your panties in a bunch over public display of affection
and after being interested enough to take 3 pictures you wonder why he talks to you and then whine that he feels good about lovin his life and his girl and their health. sheesh. more power to 'em.

Ocean Spray

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:52 PM  

I heard cummin on a girl's face and her receiving it yields a longer and healthier life... That's just what I heard though. Dunno for sure. Let me know tho.

By Blogger Vanilla Puff, at 11:27 PM  

you were toyed with. you thought it was funny toying with someone else, they were just smart enough to play the same game and make you feel really awkward.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8:48 AM  

I CAN'T BELIEVE I'VE BEEN TOYED WITH! They may have gotten me this time, but I'll be ready next time. Armed with experience, and pepper spray.

By Blogger the belligerent intellectual, at 10:32 AM  

who's the yummy in the beard. is that the girlfriend's brother? me-freaking-ow, TGB.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 11:16 AM  

Dry Humping -- the Fountain of Youth we've all been looking for!

By Anonymous Neil, at 12:07 PM  

Wow. That is totally ridiculous. I hate PDAs that go past holding hands and quick little kisses. It's AWESOME that you got a photo!

By Blogger liberalbanana, at 12:41 PM  

Wow dry humping. I love those 2 words together. Say them out loud. Apart and then seperate. Dry. Humping. Dry Humping. Awesome. Just makes you horny and itchy from the jeans rubbing up against you.;

By Blogger Softball Slut, at 1:00 PM  

I was once the victim of bar-makeout photographers. A horrible experience and I hope I never see the pictures on a blog. Have you considered doing work for "cheaters?" I seriously hope one of these people was married.

By Blogger White Dade, at 4:08 PM  

Next time someone toys with you, you should screw the pepper spray and just hit throw a spoon at them. I was originally thinking 2-by-4, but that seems a bit extreme. And no one is going to get you arrested or thrown out over a thrown spoon. And you could keep doing it and just be all like, "what? It slipped." Then, when they do try and kick you out, you can just look at them all innocent and calmly state that "there is no spoon."

By Blogger Rebecca, at 4:13 PM  

that whole digging for a coin/dry humping analogy is perfect.

besides, everyone knows dry humping is meant for the car. ;)

By Blogger Sizzle, at 7:28 PM  

I just don't understand how anyone over the age of 20 could try hump in a bar without being shit-faced. Come on? They must be on just a bit of Bud, weed, crack or something?!

By Blogger Kate, at 12:34 AM  

Must one dry hump at a hip, eccentric place to stay young? Can dry humping at, say, Starbucks or McDonald's work the same magic?

By Blogger SabilaK, at 10:19 AM  

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

By Blogger FUNKYBROWNCHICK, at 12:14 AM  

Stumbled here via Gawker.

HILARIOUS!!!!

And, by the way, who's the guy with the brown hair posing in the picture? Is that your brother?! I can't be 100% positive (because you can't see his whole face), but he looks like a hottie. ;)

By Blogger FUNKYBROWNCHICK, at 6:29 AM  

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