The Daily Dump

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Wednesday, July 19

Taylor Hicks Likes The Yankees, Utz Chips


Monday night some friends and I went to the Yankees game. The tickets were courtesy of CBS (home of “CSI,” and the most insane marketing campaign since this) through my “industry” friend, John. Needless to say, the seats were awesome – about 10 rows up right on top of the Yankees dugout – so close that the field actually looks smaller, and you can even imagine yourself hitting one 318 feet to left field. (If you are a woman, change that analogy to “you can even imagine yourself having a chance with Derek Jeter.”)

As we settled in our seats and got over the fact that we paid $8.00 for a beer (for the mathematically inclined, that’s approximately a 1,039% mark-up over the national average price of a single beer in a six-pack) we noticed that there was a commotion going on to our left. We look over to see what’s going on and it seems there is a crowd gathering around a very old man sitting five seats away. Finally the crowd disperses and it’s none other than Taylor Hicks! And he’s there with Seth Green! (Ed. Note: It was not Seth Green, it was in fact Elliott Yamin, the third place finisher in “American Idol.” He was, however, the first place finisher in the “Eating Dippin’ Dots Out Of A Mini Helmet Bowl” race.)

For anyone out there who is wondering what Taylor Hicks looks like close up, here is the best description I can give: old. I’m not kidding when I say that this man is lying about his age. (No, I don’t feel bad making fun of him because 1. I watched him pay for his food and he peeled off a $100 bill and 2. in his profile on the American idol website is this:

Q: What's been your toughest obstacle in life?
A: Life itself.

And the bottom line is he’s obviously at least 38. So obviously in fact that when everyone in our section first started turning around to see who the celebrity was, this exchange happened between a father and son sitting behind us:

Son Craving Love And Attention: “Who’s that old guy over there?”

Drunk Father Who Is At Least 40: “Watch who you call old. He’s probably younger than me, and I’m not old.”

Implied subcontext.

Son: “I love you, dad.”

Father: “Stop being gay, we’re at a baseball game.”

The moment of the night, though, came in the top of the third inning. We had ordered food earlier in the game, and each of our orders came with a free bag of Utz potato chips. My friend Scott, who doesn’t eat carbs, set his off to the side in case someone wanted them later. Suddenly, though, Scott picks up his potato chips, which had been tucked in neatly by his side, and reached across my friend Jeff to hand them to me, sitting at the end of the row, closest to Hicks. He says, nonchalantly, as though it were to be expected, “Pass these down to Taylor. Tell him they’re from us.”

I look him in the eye to judge if he is joking, and it turns out he is completely serious. I look to my left and there is a family of four between me and Hicks. I take a swig from my beer, gather myself and say to the gruff old man sitting next to me, “Would you mind passing these down to Taylor Hicks?” (Keep in mind that saying this at a baseball game, while having no absolute equivalent, is roughly the same as turning to a stranger and saying, “Would you mind getting this dab of ketchup on the side of my mouth, I just keep missing it!”)

The guy looks at me for a solid five seconds with a blank stare before taking the chips from my hand, stretching across his family to hand them to his youngest son sitting on the end of the aisle and shouting, as though directing him to put away his toys, “Hand this to Taylor Hicks. Say it’s from these guys here.” He then goes back to watching the game and he and I purposefully don’t look each other in the eye for the rest of the night.

But his son dutifully gives the chips to Hicks, and while doing so points in our direction, and Hicks looks up to see me and my three friends giving him our best “Here’s looking at you” pointy-finger-gun hand gestures. He nods his head in approval, tears open the bag and eats them right then and there. Mission “Get Taylor Hicks to eat our Utz” accomplished.

SO WHAT DID WE LEARN:

1. Contrary to popular belief, Yankees fans will tolerate a modicum of homosexual behavior, though only a modicum.

2. American Idol really does make you famous.

3. But coming in third place gets you no where on The Daily Dump.

4. Fathers and sons often times have difficult relationships, marked primarily by the conflicting natures of affection and machismo.

5. If, for any reason, you wanted to harm Taylor Hicks, a good way to do it would be to poison a snack food and offer it to him in a public venue.

6. Taylor Hicks really does ‘get what he wants and goes where pleases.’ The man’s songs are truth, even if his birth certificate is a lie.

73 Comments:

That is sort of beautiful. Also, there's nothing I wouldn't give for a single opportunity to eat dippin' dots out of Elliot Yamin's helmet.

By Blogger p_is_for_payj, at 2:16 PM  

Why doesn't your friend Scott eat carbs? Is he a competitive bodybuilder, a patient suffering from an illness that the consumption of carbohydrates can worsen, or just a damn weirdo?

By Blogger MDS, at 2:23 PM  

I enter this into the most insane advertising campaign of all time:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GQI2KlAurOg

Sorry I don't remember the code to do a link...

By Blogger Mood Indigo, at 2:27 PM  

I love Scott. Again.

By Blogger Leezer, at 2:29 PM  

Elliott Yamin kind of has a blowout, I'm not gonna lie. I also saw him using IV drugs, soooooo... (kidding, lawyers!)

And heres Scott's prepared response to mds: "I don't eat carbohydrates because I choose not to. Just like I choose not to wreak havoc on the world with my overpowering strength. It's a choice, and only a choice."

By Blogger the belligerent intellectual, at 2:34 PM  

You had me with "Taylor Hicks really does ‘get what he wants and goes where pleases.’" But then I read p_is_for_payj's comment, and now I can't stop rocking back and forth.

By Blogger mysterygirl!, at 2:46 PM  

I confess, and this must not leave this comment section people, that I have a slight crush on Taylor. He seems nice, and this story confirms it. He ate the chips. I have odd taste in men apparently. Please dont tell anyone. I am mortified.

By Blogger Wide Lawns Subservient Worker, at 2:52 PM  

I hate Taylor Hicks. I really, really do. Whenever that Toyota commercial comes on, I mute it or change the channel. I really, really do. I was rooting for Elliot the whole season, so I would have given HIM the chips. Taylor gets enough attention as it is.

And he is TOTALLY lying about his age. Douchebag.

By Blogger FlippingChipmunk, at 2:55 PM  

I'm gonna go against the crowd here and admit that I am strangely, but powerfully, attracted to Taylor Hicks. Something about the way he gators on the floor just gets me every time!

By Blogger idratherbesailing, at 3:06 PM  

proving what i've been saying all along, 'while the atkins diet may be low in carbs, it is high in emotional context.'

i haven't been this moved since i watched that kid give up his coke to mean joe greene. had you said taylor then threw his ball-sweat laden gym towel over scott's head in gratitude, i might very well be incapacitated for the rest of the work day. don't the terrorists know what they're up against?

By Blogger ducklet, at 3:26 PM  

oh ho ho
my new favorite blog.

By Anonymous sheena, at 3:26 PM  

Using the sentence "Don't the terrorists know what they're up against?" in a comment to any post in my blog is probably the crowning achievement of my life. I have half a mind to shut the whole thing down now, because it's not getting better than that, I promise you that.

By Blogger the belligerent intellectual, at 3:31 PM  

I can't believe no one has mentioned this ad campaign. Because who doesn't love stuffed animals humping? (http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-7068340693798425479&pr=goog-sl)

And why would Taylor EAT the chips from some random stranger? I'd totally be like "thanks, freaks." and casually put them beside me, later to give them to Elliott to make up for his coming in third. That and if they were poisoned, he'd be the sick one, not me.

By Blogger Rebecca, at 3:35 PM  

I'm jealous of your great Yankees tickets. Damn you and your connections. But the only beer that should cost 8 dollars should be the size of my head.

oh and I would totally hit one out 318 ft.

By Blogger Erin Mc, at 5:22 PM  

Yet more proof that being famous gets you crap you don't need (but apparently want, from the display of scarfing that was.) If only bottles of hair dye came with the food...

By Blogger Severina, at 5:23 PM  

I'm wanna make sure I heard you correctly...did you say Elliot Yamin was eating Dippin Dots?

I thought those were specifically reserved for all those under the age of 8.

By Blogger Trix, at 5:44 PM  

Joe Cocker + My grandpa = Taylor Hicks.

By Anonymous Meg, at 6:00 PM  

Joe cocker + My grandpa = Joe Cocker getting fucked up.

By Blogger [Disgrundled], at 6:40 PM  

Joe Cocker + My grandpa = Ethel Merman.

By Blogger Leezer, at 6:52 PM  

I'm sorry - I've heard this blog post was totally cool, but being female and all, I need a translation. Could you provide one for me? (The only words I understood were "Seth Green," "$100, "carbs," and "famous.")
Thnx! Tooootally!

By Anonymous Oddree, at 8:45 PM  

BI: Clearly, you missed your opportunity to pelt Taylor Hicks with peanuts and crackerjacks! Alas.

By Blogger SabilaK, at 10:59 PM  

Love your blog, by the way.

By Blogger SabilaK, at 11:00 PM  

dude, you kill me!

By Blogger mark, at 11:46 PM  

I found this post thanks to Gawker. It was funny and kept getting funnier. I love numbers 1, 4, and 5 of What You Learned.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:51 AM  

I try to pull the "here's looking at you" gun as much as possible. Paired with a knowing wink, and you have one powerful tool in the vernacular of cheese. (Add a martini to the non-gun wielding hand, and you have achieved the sublime trifecta of cheese. This little move, if properly executed in a bar after 1am, can get a geek laid).

Glad to know Taylor doesn't disappoint!

By Blogger Broady, at 9:43 AM  

I hate that effin' car commercial

By Blogger hanmee, at 10:00 AM  

Very funny blog. Hey, I will admit it too, I am only 22, but I think Taylor is pretty darn HOT! I have seen him up close and I actually think he looks younger in person, esp. when he wears a hat.

I don't know, I just dig the fact that a guy with gray hair, wacked out dance moves, and a pretty darn good voice won AI, and not some ROCK poser or Hollywood wanna be BRAT. I still like Elliott though!

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:29 AM  

Dippin' Dots are are like astronaut food. Weird texture, yet a strangely delicious treat.

By Blogger Tilly, at 10:45 AM  

I'm mildly disturbed that Taylor would take some random stranger's chips. Even though they're packaged and all didn't his mother tell him about taking shit from strangers??

Anyway, what kind of Utz were they?

By Blogger Heather B., at 12:48 PM  

That's freakin' awesome. I want to live in New York!

By Blogger liberalbanana, at 12:58 PM  

Taylor Hicks is a massive tool. The finger-guns surprise me not a bit. I love me some Elliott Yamin, however.

By Blogger Leila, at 2:18 PM  

(Quote:By Wide Lawns Subservient Worker, at 2:52 PM

I hate Taylor Hicks. I really, really do. Whenever that Toyota commercial comes on, I mute it or change the channel. I really, really do. I was rooting for Elliot the whole season, so I would have given HIM the chips. Taylor gets enough attention as it is.(Unquote)
Toyota?? I think Ford would be offended. Really observant there!
I laugh out loud every time the commercial comes on cause I KNOW it's killing people. Go Taylor!!!
NOW you can watch the commercial that Good Morning America is running alerting the SOUL PATROL of his concert tomorrow morning.
Now you got another one to complain about! LOL
Good Blog. Loved it!

By Anonymous blondi0001, at 3:26 PM  

Ah c'mon guys. He wanted to get a record deal. This is the route he took. He's a talented songwriter and an all-round good guy. And he likes chips.

Give him a break.

Your blog is a RIOT by the way...

By Blogger soulgal, at 4:10 PM  

Card carrying Soul Patroller here to say that I loved your blog. Very funny!

Nice of your friend to send him the chips... in a kind of weird, completely random kind of a way.

By Anonymous Jane, at 4:47 PM  

Dude, how the hell did you get a beer at Yankee Stadium for only $8? Last time I checked they were at least $8.75 a pop.

By Anonymous Larry, at 5:30 PM  

The best thing Taylor did at the game was bring Elliott Yamin along with him. Elliott is the man, dipping dots and all.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 6:07 PM  

Wow, can't believe Dan you were at the same game! First an engagement party then this--haven't seen you in years (well technically we didn't actually see you, but....) and then twice in one week, imagine that. Didn't see "Hicks" but did see the flying bat somewhere in your vicinity. Glad to see you weren't hit! Oh and had some mint dippin' dots as well! Got to love little frozen balls, LOL......

By Blogger Floydiebell, at 7:45 PM  

Okay...I'm a Taylor Hicks fan and have to say of all the crap I've read (and I've read quite a bit of crap...hangs head in shame...but not really)...this was by far the best crap ever.

Not only did I love the fact that Taylor brought a father and son closer (a little p.r. spin there...nice, huh?) but even more I love the fact that you and your friends basically could have E.T.'d his ass with Utz chips instead of Reese's Pieces and hidden him from your Mom in your closest with your stuffed animals.

Nicely done.

By Blogger TALK!, at 8:04 PM  

Ok, I love, love, love Taylor Hicks. And yes, I am a member of the Soul Patrol. But you are funny. I will be back here. By the way, this little story reminds me of that scene in The BreakUp where Vince Vaughn's character tries to pick up Jennifer Aniston's character by passing her a hot dog at a Cubs game...

Good info to have, in case I run into Taylor at a baseball game.

By Anonymous cutegirlinglasses, at 10:39 PM  

Taylor Hicks fan here. You are are hilarious. No wonder Taylor wanted to eat chips from you.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:58 PM  

You are fucking hilarious. I actually like Taylor but I will admit that I enjoyed your account of the evening. I'll be back, whether you like it or not!

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 11:36 PM  

I only came to check out this blog because I read that it had pictures of Taylor Hicks at the Yankees game. I have become a huge fan of his. His critics should listen to his CD he put out before AI. He is a great songwriter and musician. Besides the fact that he is HOT, HOT, HOT! Oh sorry, I wasn't going to go there. I really got on to say your blog is hilarious and I'm putting it in my favorites to read again.

By Anonymous texastaylorfan, at 12:19 AM  

Sp member here...just wanted to say this friggin hilarious...love it! You have a new reader here!!

wwwwooooo
Soul Patrol

By Anonymous azgoddess, at 12:34 AM  

Ah man! That was so F*cking Hilarious! I was falling off my chair!

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 12:43 AM  

Soul Patrol gal here..from the great state of turnip greens and sweet tea...yep...you got it, Alabama...
loved, loved, loved this..i was cracking up...i had to run over here to see pics of him..plus read what you said...heard it was funny..indeed it is! the man lookin' at you for 5 seconds before taking the bag of chips...i could totally see that....that almost made me spit(in a lady like way) my sweet tea all over this keyboard! yankee's fan are the best...you can see that here...passing down a bag of chips to taylor.. what i wouldn't have given to have seen that :-)

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 1:03 AM  

You are f'ing hilarious. We love Taylor Hicks. Your comment about the birth certificate was great. Thanks for the laugh!

By Anonymous reporterchick, at 1:24 AM  

Ok, just for the record, Taylor is on the Ford commercial, which comes on here every 32 seconds. I hear my 8yr old son turn the channel everytime it comes on to avoid seeing Taylor.

I on the other hand am impressed with Taylor's musical abilities.

I'm not sure why Elliott Yams was eating dippin dots, but I've had those, and they taste like ass.

By Blogger SOUL SISTA, at 1:38 AM  

Taylor's got a great retro vibe but isn't necessarily "cool." That's why he brings Elliott along... he is coolness personified (and a MUCH better singer than Taylor).

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 1:58 AM  

What I have learned from reading your blog and comments:
1. Don't act gay at a Yankee game - thanks for the tip
2. All commercials are annoying even when starring hot AI winners
3. Dippin' dots are for small kids -- not small men
4. Scott doesn't like carbs and it ain't none of our business why
4. The Soul Patrol is everywhere!

Things I still have unanswered after reading your blog and comments:
1. What the hell are Utz chips - must be a Northern thang
2. Why doesn't Scott like carbs

By Anonymous southernhick, at 2:02 AM  

you're funny, taylor is a sweetie pie, and i just can't believe you didn't write who won the game (though if i were a true fan, i would have known, right?)

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:13 AM  

You fed Taylor when you had the chance to feed Elliott? Sheesh. I bet you were an all-mn group.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:48 AM  

what a load of crap. guess anyone can write anything and call it a blog. "belligerant intellectual"?..well you are belicose at least. to anonymous,an obvious elliot fan. there are many reasons why e did not win. and no he is not "the man"...he is robin to taylors batman. just another "voice",no charisma or stage presence and still no record deal to date.soooooooo......

By Anonymous veronica not betty, at 3:40 AM  

Hate the Yankees. Love New York. Love Taylor. Like your story but
I think Taylor is a "tired" rather than an "old" AI winner. Remember they added concert dates to this tour to satisfy hungry Taylor fans and now he's double-timing it. Besides, don't you think they checked his age????
And he's HOT at any age. You are pretty cute too. Look out. You're NEXT!!!!

By Blogger Taylor Fan, at 10:00 AM  

wow. Things I've learned:

1.There is actually a "Soul Patrol"
2.People will rally behind any lackluster shlep that happens to trip and fall on the screen of mindless TV viewers.
Way to go America! Spending your time and effort the way it should be spent. WASTED ON POP ICON BULLSHIT. loosers

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:42 AM  

Wow, so what? He got what he deserved from this blogger for being at a FRIGGIN YANKEES game.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 12:28 PM  

Who was doing finger-guns? The blogger or Taylor? (No one should use finger guns although I'd give either a pass - Taylor for the singing, the blogger cuz this is hilarious.)

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:01 PM  

You are a funny guy...another member of the Soul Patrol loving your blog. And as for Taylor taking the chips, the bag was closed, people. He OPENED them up and then he ate them. Good grief, it wasn't like he was drinking out of a stranger's cup.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 5:49 PM  

Oh yes, and sitting on your butt for hours on end watching a baseball game is a much better use of your time. Different strokes for different folks.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 6:28 PM  

ReporterChick...
"..I'm not sure why Elliott Yams was eating dippin dots, but I've had those, and they taste like ass.."

How different do the dippin dots you last tasted compare to the taste of the last ass you partook of?
Hmmm....

By Anonymous Anonymous But Oh So Special, at 6:30 PM  

Sorry..that was a quote left by "Soul Sista" not reporterchick. My bad.

By Anonymous Anonymous But Oh So Special, at 6:33 PM  

The voices told me to tell you: 1)Taylor Hicks has a large trouser package,2)Haley Joel Osmet is 35, and #) GO SOX!

By Blogger Heather, at 6:52 PM  

Honestly, that sounds like the worst night ever. Yankees + Taylor Hicks. All we'd need is CarrotTop.

Yankees Suck,

Matty

http://mattymatty.blogspot.com/2006/07/yankees-tool.html

By Blogger matty, at 7:26 PM  

It must have been a 'Mission' for Taylor, too. But he is so nice that he accept presents from strangers. I love this gentleman.
Good for Scott.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8:20 PM  

Some of these 'fan'atic boards treat this man like a God, tracking his whereabouts 24/7. The man couldn't rip a good one and enjoy it without reading about it online. Sure he's a decent musician and seems like an alright guy, judging from his public persona. But for all they know he could be a total jerk privately. That really wouldn't keep me from buying his music, as long as he wasn't an ass with me personally. But c'mon people, there can only be 'One' who dumps daisies, and that'd be ME! pun intended. Anonymous....Out.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 11:58 PM  

As long as you are really kidding about Taylor Hick's age, I can appreciate your humorous encounter at the ballgame. Remember, gray hair does not an old man make. My daughter is 32, and I know for a fact that Taylor is younger than she. Humor is fine and dandy, but don't delude yourself by your preconceived notions, sir. If you just don't like his "old" music, say so.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:01 PM  

I could tell you that you're an asshole, but that would be redundant. You already know that.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 3:48 AM  

yikes! these last few comments are a little...mmm...humorless? to say the least? no, maybe?

By Anonymous angelina, at 11:05 AM  

Another "Soul Patroler" here! Both Taylor and Elliott are fantastic talents! Love them both! How fortunate for that bag of chips! ;-)

By Blogger NotASheep, at 2:22 PM  

You're hilarious. I happen to be a fan of both Taylor Hicks and Elliott Yamin, but I do have a healthy sense of humor and appreciation for good writing. Love your blog...I'll be back.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8:34 PM  

Too funny but in the dark no one knows how old you are or for that matter cares. Umm $8.00 beer is a lot but I only need one and besides I do not have to pay. Thanks for the pictures. Another Elliott Yamin fan.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 7:10 PM  

Ok so I am totally insulted...first of all, was it you I saw on the cover of People Mag.? OH NO it was Taylor Hicks, the most amazing musician since Elvis, not to mention down right drop dead sexy. Second of all it was FORD who Taylor did the commercial for not Toyota (which by the way I own two 4 runners 4x4, limited's that are great trucks) and last but not least, I am 29 Blonde, Blue eyes about 5'7", who loves the Carb diet and stays on it to keep my 120lb curvy figure, and Taylor can sit next to me any where any time and have all the carbs he wants... now who feels old?Taylor's Angel any time he wants me.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 9:22 PM  

Whatever age you think Taylor is will not change the fact that he is drop dead gorgeous,inside and out.I think some of these comments are coming from some jealous people who wish they were in Taylors posistion.The man is doing what he loves and making lots of people happy with his music.I only wish I could touch lives the way he has.Music is a universal language ,it unites people in a wonderful way.A song can take away pain and saddness,if even for a moment,so Taylor keep doing what your doing and ignore the bashers.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8:48 PM  

What I learned from this blog;
1. That I don't care if he's 15 or 60--He's damn hot!
2. I suppose it's possible he is a total jerk behind his public persona---I don't care---He can put his shoes under MY bed ANY old time!
3. Elliot Yamin seems like a sweet guy BUT he did not win AI because he's not Taylor Hicks!
4. Obviously, you drank way too many glasses of $8 bucks a pop beer--or you wouldn't have been annoying people who paid cold hard cash to watch a baseball game, asking total strangers to pass chips to Tay-Tay.
5. I loved your blog, what fun!
6. Were you able to watch even a few minutes of the ball game in between counting how many dipping dots Elliot ate, and worrying about if Taylor would finish his chips?
TAYLOR RULES!

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 4:26 AM  

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