The Daily Dump

A place where everyone (me) is welcomed to express their opinions openly and honestly. I encourage free thinking, free wheeling, off-the-cuff banter and monetary donations.

Monday, July 10

Top One Most Embarrassing Moment Of The Past Hour


There are two bathrooms to choose from on my office building’s floor – a large one and a small one. I usually go to the large one because when you really think about exactly what a bathroom is you realize that you would have to be a real moron to choose to use a smaller, more enclosed space for its designated purpose. But today I was kind of in a rush so I went to the smaller bathroom, the one with two urinals and four stalls, a layout suggesting it was designed entirely around the Atkins diet.

In any event, I rushed in and went to one of the urinals. There was a man next to me who seemed put off by the fact that I choose to stand next to him, so out of spite I moved my foot closer to his. As I started to go, I noticed that I also had to fart. (Please, if anyone is having any trouble with the words or concepts here, just email me. I know sometimes me writing is a little dense.) The problem is, I know it’s going to make noise. Like a mother who knows when her child is in danger, I just know. I decide against letting it go, but in a moment of weakness a small toot is released. It is certainly loud enough for the guy next to me to hear it, and me knowing this immediately becomes one of the funniest things in the history of time. My valiant attempts to stifle the laughter succeed for the most part, if you measure success by the degree to which you fail but don’t care because it’s still funny.

Finally, the guy next to me finishes, flushes and goes to wash his hands. Then, as he is leaving and the door is just about closed behind him, I not only let rip an enormous, resounding fart, but immediately following that I laugh and laugh and laugh – loudly – but I don’t care because I’m just standing at a urinal, peeing and farting and having a grand old time. I was one head rush away from screaming, “YOU CAN’T STOP ME! YOU CAN’T HOLD ME DOWN! U-S-A! U-S-A!” It was an euphoric moment . . .

. . . until I heard a flush from one of the stalls behind me. Apparently in my hurry I hadn’t noticed that there was someone in one of the stalls. So here I am having a veritable party with myself, thinking I’m all alone, when in fact there is some poor asshole in the stall waiting for everyone to leave so he can take a shit, but instead being forced to witness my borderline psychotic behavior. I figured I could play it two ways: I could rush out of the bathroom and not let him see my face, or I could take my time, come face to face with him and say, “Hey, Chuck,” no matter who it was just so when he tells people the story he will include the fact that I was incoherent at the time.

In the five seconds I had to make the choice before he opened the stall door, I fortunately used the first three to replay the incident in my head again, leaving me two whole seconds to literally run from the bathroom. Did I wash my hands? No. Am I proud of that? No. Am I proud of the fact that one day after writing an email to all my friends and using the phrase, “We’re all grown ups here,” that this happens? Yes, absolutely.

Also, I included a picture of a panda because I don’t have a picture that’s actually appropriate for the post. And pandas are fascinating creatures.

65 Comments:

And the panda is Butterstick and everyone loves Butterstick. Except the people out in San Diego who are jealous of his popularity. You should really watch the video of him being born. He shoots out and slams into the wall. It's entertaining.

By Blogger Rebecca, at 5:13 PM  

hilarious.

By Blogger Erin Mc, at 5:18 PM  

I can't believe they stole the name I was going to use for my first son. Great, now every time people say "Butterstick" they'll think of a panda.

p.s. Send me the video. No one loves a good birth movie more than me.

By Blogger the belligerent intellectual, at 5:20 PM  

Bravo. I can't actually pee and fart at the same time.

By Blogger Cherry Ride, at 5:20 PM  

That is fucking funnnnnny.

I Laugh.

By Blogger BAMBIE EYES, at 5:21 PM  

I was actually thinking about this sort of thing the other day...it's been a while since the boyfriend has farted while peeing when I'm home to hear it happen. It makes me laugh when he does that, and so I am sad it hasn't happened in a while.

This story went ahead and filled up my quota of farting while peeing funness. Gracias. You are a very funny man.

By Blogger Faith, at 5:26 PM  

Man, guys have much more fun in the bathroom than girls do. Just once, I want to pee while standing right next to someone else - preferably in a trough at a stadium!!

By Blogger MonkeyPants, at 5:27 PM  

BI:

Farting is funny. Damn
funny. And it's even funnier when you fart, then run away so you won't be found out.

Ten years ago I farted in the Syracuse Law Journal-section of my law library. It was in a crowde section of the library so I ran away before I could be found out. Why do I remember this ten years later? Because farting is so funny.

By Blogger Leezer, at 5:28 PM  

BI:
And one more thing. The only thing funnier than your fart at the urninal-story is the idea that you went to the trouble to write an entire post about farting. Hilarious.

By Blogger Leezer, at 5:46 PM  

I think I have you beat...

My story...

By Anonymous Amish, at 5:58 PM  

I laughed & laughed & laughed while reading it, but I realized that I don't usually find farting funny. But I always laugh when I hear someone do it in a bathroom.

But seriously, where I live the people are so country that even some women fart in public.

It is funny though, when my grandmother is asleep, to hear her rip one. And I'm in another room. With my door closed.

By Blogger FlippingChipmunk, at 6:28 PM  

a brilliant example of things i don't need to know but funny anyway.

and oh yes, how do you fart and pee at the same time?

did you spill any?

PS: you notice that many of these stories of yours take place in bathrooms. You do notice that, right? Right?

By Blogger treespotter, at 6:39 PM  

My dad can't pee without farting. Growing up it was annoying and embarassing since he'd leave the small hallway bathroom door open and let er rip no matter who was in the house.

But now it's just plain funny.

I'm laughing with you.

By Blogger Jenni, at 6:47 PM  

hilarious. thank you for some straight up giggles at the end of a giggle-free day!

By Blogger Mood Indigo, at 8:50 PM  

Such multi-tasking skills!

Hilarious.

By Blogger Z. Madison, at 8:59 PM  

HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA

By Blogger The Brooklyn Sea Hag, at 10:16 PM  

Okay so I laughed harder at this post than I think I have laughed at any other post you've written. That's totally sad and lame all at the same time. But seriously, farting is funny. I was using the urinal at work the other day and started recalling a hilarious exchange of emails that my friends and I had sent earlier and couldn't stop from giggling. Meanwhile there are two other people at urinals near me who now have heard me start giggling and I didn't even have the farting noise to explain it.

By Blogger Carrie Broadshoulders, at 10:33 PM  

Gas-related stories are always funny. A couple of years ago I was washing my hands in the bathroom at school and my English prof. walks in. She chooses the stall all the way at the end of the bathroom. I punch the hand dryer and, despite the noise, I hear her let loose what sounds like the hounds of hell. I ran out of there and later in the day dropped the class. I did it for the both of us. Looking back I probably should have checked to see if she was alive because it sounded as though a large hunting rifle had discharged.

By Blogger Shannon, at 10:58 PM  

I was just laughing so hard I had to read this post in parts, as I couldn't see through my teary eyes.

Thank you for that.

By Blogger ocg, at 6:28 AM  

You truly know the way to my heart. A good old fashioned piss, poop and fart story.

That really hit home for me, as i was laughing on the ol' bowl with people in the bathroom.

By Blogger My Novelty Organ, at 9:23 AM  

hahahahaha that was such a funny story! let me guess... You are blogging at work, rigth?

By Blogger Mone, at 9:37 AM  

Thank you for making my morning at work just that much more enjoyable. ^_^

By Blogger Cath, at 9:48 AM  

Sorry, BI. I can't find the video of Butterstick's birth online. Discovery has it and apparently, NO ONE STOLE IT. Insane. What is the point of the internet if people don't steal stuff?

And just name your kid butterstick in a different language. You might save some money on his therapy that way. Either that or your kid has to do something horrible or amazing to get people to associate the name with him. Or better yet. Mate with a panda.

By Blogger Rebecca, at 10:06 AM  

Isn't it sad that we can't even feel comfortable farting in the bathroom anymore? Where are you supposed to do it, some soundproof, scentproof shangri-la? Keep cutting 'em.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:43 AM  

I'm glad I don't have to share my office with anyone (even though it is a cinder block dungeon). I was laughing my ass off in here. Tears in my eyes laughing my ass off. Thank you for that.

By Blogger susan, at 10:45 AM  

I'm laughing so hard I really can't stop. You are THE BEST!
From Italy with love.

By Anonymous Marina, at 10:45 AM  

OMG, I am totally that person who would get the hell out of the bathroom too. Luckily, the kitchen is across the hall and convenient for hand-washing purposes.

Speaking of, you should really wipe down your keyboard.

By Blogger Jaime, at 12:19 PM  

I know it's typical to say it's worse being a woman-but try discreetly dropping one while Ann in accounting talking to you about what lip gloss works best for her...while brushing her teeth at the sink. Argh.

BTW-This was so funny I started crying at the front desk at work. I got some weird looks-thanks :)

By Anonymous Melanie, at 12:20 PM  

Oooh....try this one on for size. I was at a wedding, and was getting a drink. On the long-ish walk back to our table, I thought I was just going to let a little "poot" out, and thank goodness there was no one around...and it wound up being a whopper...I was so embarrassed. I scurried back to my date, and then all of a sudden he says, "oh look - there's so-and-so, let's go talk to to them..." and they're standing right where I had just unleashed my wrath....The guy was like, "oh my god...someone just farted...good Lord - it's a paint-peeler!" I played it cool, and the guy's date was like, "Oh, it was some guy - there's no way a girl could produce anything like THIS!"

I wanted to die.

And you know, I dated the guy I was there with 3 years and I never told him it was me....I was that embarassed by the whole thing....

Okay....I'm going to go back to lurking now..... :-)

By Blogger Mollypalooza, at 1:35 PM  

ROFLMAO, that was the funniest thing I've read all week, thanks for that...now my entire office is standing in my office, asking why I'm laughing my ass off!

That was a good one.

By Blogger Dylan, at 1:40 PM  

Office bathrooms are always a ripe (ha) setting for awkward incidents.

I've had run ins with the "wait until the bathroom is empty before I do my thing." It makes it kind of hard to carry on with your business with some really quiet presence lurking somewhere in another stall.

By Blogger nabiya, at 1:52 PM  

You are ass-tastic. And laughing so heartliy at the scared peeing stranger, that is evil. But not as evil as I, The Evilest Man in all of Evilstan.

By Blogger Evil Discussor, at 3:54 PM  

I was perusing the Best of Craigslist postings today, and I think this one relates nicely to your toots and giggles. Nothing in there about Not Knowing Bathroom Has Other Occupants Syndrome, but still.

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/171960631.html

By Blogger Tete Rouge, at 3:55 PM  

I just can't get over how funny this post was! I normally will type "LOL" as a polite gesture but who really laughs out loud... well guess what, I DO... at this post!!! Thank you oh gasious one, for making this day one to remember,LOL! (<--- HONEST!)

By Blogger Beechball, at 4:27 PM  

Your post: hilarious. Everyone else's accounts of their father's and grandmother's flatulence habits: Too much information. For some reason you tell it in a way no one else can.

By Blogger Hope, at 4:56 PM  

I don't get you americans. I hope you didn't pull that one off in Montreal. Canadians are superior to Americans. Even if Carolina beat the Oilers...the Stanley cup was still won by Canadian born hockey players.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 5:35 PM  

carrie broadshoulders is a MAN?!

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 5:42 PM  

“YOU CAN’T STOP ME! YOU CAN’T HOLD ME DOWN! U-S-A! U-S-A!”

Jaysus, that is one of the funniest posts I've ever read! The first "Daily Dump" post I've ever read. Seems appropriate.

I think laughing is more dangerous in the bathroom than farting. I was in a stall the other day, (a 2x2 Men's room... 2 urinals, 2 stalls), and I have to say I polluted the place.

Just then a meeting breaks up, and in come about four guys. One had to piss in the stall next to mine and when he emerged, there was a line, and an unknown voice said, "Woah! There goes that theory about you, Dave."

Immediately realizing who "Dave" was... a very timid manager who sits near me; and hearing his own guys breaking it off on him that his sh*t apparently DOES stink (and badly at that), was all I could stand, unleashing a barrage of stifled farts/laughs (I was not yet done) that echoed out of my stall.

I waited until all were gone, but could feel Dave's steely gaze drilling a hole through my skull as I walked back to my desk about 5 minutes later. Nothing was said. Didn't have to be. He knew. I knew. My shit had put him in bad with the boys. And it was frikkin hilarious.

My only other good story was in college during finals. Had to "study" in one of the upstairs library crappers. Went in, closed the door, dropped trou, sat down and looked up at a remarkably lifelike Sharpie-on-steel rendering of a man sitting on a toilet with his pants around his ankles, looking back at me. And over the top: "Take a Shit with Dean Krell!"

Like your stuff.

By Anonymous Wry Bri, at 5:59 PM  

No00000ooooo its not Carrie Broadshoulders! Its the scorned waitress, Anne Marie...getting back to you.

And I do think that Canadians are superior to Americans. Stanley Cup belongs to Canada. And if our CFL played against your NFL we'd win.

Check out the Carolina Hurricanes roster:
J.Williams (#11) born in Ontario
E.Staal (#12) born in Ontario
R.Whitney (#13) born in Alberta
A.Ladd (#16) born in BC
R.Brind'Amour (#17) born in Ontario
C. Stillman (#61) born in Ontario
T.Letowski born in Ontario
G.Wesley (#2) born in Alberta
M.Commodore (#22) born in ALberta
C.Ward (#30) born in Saskatchewan

And all the rest of the roster are comrades from communist countries.

And as I suspect that you Americans don't know geography, well Ontario, Alberta, BC, Saskatchewan are all found in CANADA!!!

Afterall that is why you spend time in Montreal. To admire our beauty and listen to our Jazz. Too bad you won't be here for our 'Just for Laughs' festival in July. Maybe you could learn real humour. hahaha

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 6:24 PM  

I definitely pulled something reading this. Perfection. PERFECTION.

By Blogger Megarita, at 6:42 PM  

Oh dear,

I've never been here before but you can bet your sweet ass I'll be back again. How do I know it's sweet? Because you have the power to pee, fart and stand at the same time.

This one's for the books. Although I am not sure which type of book it would be. Mayhaps the Farting Rules & Etiquette Guide?

Dude, you are damn funny. ;)

By Blogger Mailyn, at 10:35 PM  

Amish, your story is priceless...

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 4:15 AM  

To Anonymous who is apparently Canadian:

The only reason hockey players are almost all from Canada is because it's too f**king cold to do anything else. Can't say I've ever heard of a Canadian Beach Volleyball league...

If you're so proud of Canada and Canadians, and your respective teams, why don't you put your name on the post?

By Anonymous Bird Girl, at 4:25 AM  

who the hell calls themselves 'bird girl' and writes emails at 4:25AM and demands to know the identity of the anonymous Canadian. Afterall aren't we all the same to you? So who cares who I am. I'm the girl next door. No really, I'm Anne Marie, the scorned waitress. lol.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:07 PM  

Ok sorry to all you Americans. We Canadians actually DO LOVE YOU ALL! We're just a bit bitter right now because we lost the Stanley Cup. No hard feelings. Your fellow Canuck.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:11 PM  

I just farted while having a 1 on 1 meeting in someones cube. It smelled, and I could tell my coworker didn't like it. She said, lets finish this up tomorrow about 30 seconds later. Now, after reading this, I will go poop in the 4th stall.

By Blogger Beehive Hairdresser, at 4:21 PM  

I've never been to your site before, but I will definitely be back. I'm a woman who usually hates talking about crude bathroom stuff, but that was so funny I almost choked on my coffee. We've all been there, even us 'ladies'.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 5:09 PM  

I always use a stall, never a urinal.

I just got soooo tired of the guy next to me turing in mid-leak to ask, "Aren't you slinkybender?"

I'm saving a small fortune in drycleaning.

By Anonymous slinkybender, at 6:19 PM  

Damn.

By Anonymous Leah, at 8:28 PM  

The picture of the pandas is actually very appropriate. Pandas are one of the most flatulent of animals, due to their voracious ingestion of bamboo, which induces gas more than broccoli, beans or PBR. Why do you think it's so hard to breed these fuckers? They can't stand being next to each. Ever smell a panda fart? Smells like Satan himself is taking a dump next to you.

By Blogger Man On The Street, at 10:44 PM  

My 2 1/2 year old currently-learning-to-use-the-potty son peed on the floor at the bank on Tuesday.

If only he had farted, too. Now, that would have been A-W-E-S-O-M-E.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 11:39 PM  

My 2 1/2 year old currently-learning-to-use-the-potty son peed on the floor at the bank on Tuesday.

If only he had farted, too. Now, that would have been A-W-E-S-O-M-E.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 11:40 PM  

You. Are. A. Scream. And, P.S. My best friend farts when he laughs really hard. Talk about going into acid-laughter hysterics. The Tom Tom Club may have "gone insane when they took cocaine," but they never were in the middle of a good laugh with friends when a spontaneous fart blew the whole moment into a warp-driven shriek/tear fest.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 12:05 AM  

What a way to be introduced to a blog. You are hilarious and articulated it so vividly I was (almost and unfortunately) right there with you.

By Blogger PJ, at 2:39 AM  

I used to one of those people who thought he knew everything but was cured by a fart. A very strategic fart. Steve, one of my roommates exploited this part of my character and asked for my help one day to help him light the heater in the bathroom. Like the idiot I am I snatched the matches from him and mumbled something about how incompetent he was and got down on my knees to turn the valve on the heater and strike a match. My snugness dissolved when I looked up and noticed that Steve had dropped trou and let loose with one about 4 inches from my face. I was humiliated not only by the fart "facial" but by how obviously transparent my feelings of superiority were.

I remain saved by a fart

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:33 AM  

That was great and I needed a good laugh today.

Look at it this way, at least you didn't shard yourself.

:)

By Blogger Yoj, at 11:30 AM  

that is hysterical, nothing like a fart to make your day!

By Anonymous scott, at 12:02 PM  

I just read this for the second time today, and for the second time, i was laughing so hard I was crying. Beats the self-pitying tears that were shed at my desk yesterday. Thank you from a Canadian in NY.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:49 PM  

lol that was absolutely hilarious. you are my hero.

By Blogger Kawaii desu ne, at 8:16 AM  

Whew! What a post and all the great comments!

Sure beats the harsh reality of most of my office bathroom scenarios. Like most, I try to do my business in peace but regardless of which stall I pick, I seem to attract people with the most extreme cases of explosive diarrhea or horrendous gas. I’m talking about the kind where you hear the other guy run into the bathroom, slam the stall door and barely take his pants down before the inevitable splatterfest ensues. Its gross, I know, but you try to sit there quietly, not knowing whether to laugh or cover your mouth and run for your life.

On top of that, the last place I worked had a chronic masturbator. You'd innocently walk into a stall, look down and be greeted by his partially flushed handywork. A couple of times, I swear he did it in the sink too. I felt really bad for the guy who was a complete neat freak – his office didn’t have a kitchen so he had to wash his drinking glass and cereal bowl in the bathroom. I think he used to brush his teeth in there too.

We are such gross beings.

Thanks for the post!

By Blogger Filthy, at 9:06 AM  

I know I know, you wrote this days ago..but I'm just getting around to catching up.

Anyway, I cracked up. I'm in a quiet office, so I tried to stiffle the laughter, which just resulted in loud guffaws and tears. Wow. Totally funny.

Thank you. I will laugh all day now!

By Blogger Sarah, at 12:31 PM  

I too have a farting story on my blog, which evidently is why your post was sent my way.

By Blogger Joshua, at 2:15 PM  

Awesome story and the picture of the pandas tied it all together perfectly!

By Blogger Digital Fortress, at 11:32 PM  

I found you through "Impatiens" and I nearly pissed myself reading this post (which is, if you think about it, rather appropriate considering the topic).

You will be a regular read for me from now on.

By Blogger A Lil' Irish Lass, at 10:36 AM  

omg this is sooo fuunnyyy =D

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 5:14 PM  

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