The Daily Dump

A place where everyone (me) is welcomed to express their opinions openly and honestly. I encourage free thinking, free wheeling, off-the-cuff banter and monetary donations.

Tuesday, July 25

When No Advice Is Good Advice

I’ll admit, I’m not the type of person who seeks out the advice of others. Not because I don’t trust others or value their opinion, but mostly because I feel like asking for someone’s advice binds me to actually taking their advice. For example:

Purely Hypothetical Scenario

Me: “So I was driving home last night and it was really dark and I wasn’t going really, really fast or anything, but I guess I was going a little fast, and you know that road in town that’s really dark and curvy? Well I think I hit a homeless person or something. What should I do?”

Friend: “Whoa, dude. You HAVE to go to the police. I mean, if you did hit someone, maybe he’s still alive and he’s out there and he’s dying, you know? And they can still get to him.”

Me: “Yeah . . . you’re right. OK.”

Three days later.

Friend: “Hey, Dan, whatever happened with the police? Did they go out and look for the guy? Is everything alright?”

Me: “Oh, yeah. Well I never heard anything about it on the news, and I drove by there the other day and I didn’t see anything, and you know it’s only like a little dent on my car so I figured I would just kind of let it go. Want to catch a movie?”

AWKWARD!

Which is why Yahoo! answers is so cool. You can get advice on all your problems completely anonymously. Such as

(Which makes perfect sense, because really who’s she going to go to for advice? Her friends? Ohhhh wait, she has none.)

Then people anonymously answer your question, disguising themselves as hip cartoon characters, and you weigh your options. Such as

All great suggestions. Especially “never give people dirty looks” (going back to fundamentals) and the extremely helpful “u will find some…work on it” (because sometimes you just want somebody to listen and tell you it will be OK – and if you have no friends, that person is “snowy”).

Then finally, you decide which piece of advice is the most helpful and you deem it “Best Answer.”

Surprisingly, this is exactly the advice I would have given. STEAL OTHER PEOPLE’S FRIENDS! Buy them drinks all night long and when the time is right pull them aside and say, “Hey, so you know how I met you through Jill? And I work with her? Yeah well she does drugs. Like heroin. I heard her talking to her mom on the phone about it. Yeah, she steals money from your wallet when you’re not looking. It’s sad. Want to catch a movie this weekend?” And there you go, you’ve successfully stolen your co-worker’s friends. Nothing to it.

P.S. Dear angelsrobinson:

If nothing else works, you can always just make out with random guys at clubs. In my experience, that always leads to long and fulfilling friendships. You’re welcome!

Yours truly,
BI

24 Comments:

I'm taking the advice of whoever has the He-man character. Who wouldn't think it smart to take advice from a steroid pumped, needs anger management, hangs out with animals who talk (and probably does more than hangs out, if you catch my meaning, and I'm positive you do)and screams about honor of skulls? His answer would have sucess written all over it.

Or Spongebob. He'd do in a pinch.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 4:08 PM  

sandwich fillings? what kind of moron would ask for advice on good sandwich fillings?

By Blogger kat, at 4:16 PM  

I know, I had a hard time chosing which one to discuss here. It was like deciding between losing an arm or losing a leg - there's no obvious choice. You just flip a coin and hope for the best.

By Blogger the belligerent intellectual, at 4:26 PM  

Dude your such a nerd! I love to read your blog,you come with the craziest things to write about.

By Blogger Samson & DeLilah, at 4:28 PM  

Sometimes when I read your stuff- I think you might have been a loose woman in another life or wanted to be one. Why does all your advice end with "make out with random guys"? Have you ever made out with a random guy? Is this a secret wish of yours? DO you know the kinds of diseases random guys possess? Jesus, Dan, do research!

By Blogger Betty, at 4:29 PM  

I think it's hard boiled fact that if, for one week, social norms were reversed and women were getting drunk at bars and throwing themselves at men like it was the end of time, that the world would see a baby/disease boom unlike history has ever known. It's not just me, I promise.

By Blogger the belligerent intellectual, at 4:31 PM  

um, i think that social experiment gets carried out annually at a little event called spring break.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 4:40 PM  

christ...where were you when I was in 7th grade.

siiiiiiiiiiiiiigh.

By Anonymous angelina, at 4:50 PM  

Kat...what would be a good sandwich filling?

By Blogger TALK!, at 5:09 PM  

hope missieclass doesn't get angelrobinsons response by accident else there sure is gonna be a shortage of friends all around.

By Blogger Kevin, at 5:39 PM  

as I was reading the advice from VOLLEYBALL! I had a hard time imgaing those words coming out of a human. I felt like this advice was coming out of Vicky form Small Wonder...and she probably has a herion problem for real...

By Blogger JP, at 5:50 PM  

Strangely enough, your advice is spot on with "QT3.14159" when I asked the question, "How are the babies made?"

Man, I love that Yahoo! answers.

Forget school, kids! All you need is the Yahoo! answers.

By Blogger Madame Agent, at 6:25 PM  

Finally, I have someone knowledgeable to ask all my burning questions, like "Which Biblical figure was the hunkiest?"

By Anonymous Neil, at 6:27 PM  

It is called spring break, but I was always that girl that hung out with the guys and got the girls to flash their breasts. They assumed because I was the camera man (though it wasn't my camera) it was ok. seriously, you should have been a chic, but I think that you and my mother would love each other.

By Blogger Betty, at 11:45 PM  

Maybe when you’re walking down the street and see someone that might make a good friend you sneak up real slow behind them and put a chloroform rag over their mouth. Then you lock them in your basement and you can be friends whenever you want. I don’t know if this helps, but it’s the same thing I did when I met my wife.

By Blogger Tim, at 9:09 AM  

haha i love your blog. you never fail to entertain me. i'm going to have to check out this yahoo answers thing. :)

By Blogger Kawaii desu ne, at 10:14 AM  

hilarious. i'm going to have to link to the yahoo thing from my own blog. (comment 8 of 20)

By Blogger Minerva Jane, at 10:21 AM  

I really disagree with the "never give people dirty looks." Because someone around you might agree with the fact that you are giving another person a dirty look and you can be snarky together. There is no bonding like bitchy bonding. Plus, why would you want to be friends with someone who annoys you instantaneously?

Of course, I also believe in punctuation, capitalization, and only switching "s" for "z" to make something plural when ABSOLUTELY necessary. So obviously these people are operating on a different social code.

By Blogger Rebecca, at 12:07 PM  

I was yelled at for ALMOST hitting a chipmunk last week. Dont ask! and no i didnt run it over...

By Blogger KitKatWoman, at 12:12 PM  

Sad.

There are actually people out there like THIS?

So So Sad.

By Blogger Jenni, at 1:03 PM  

Ok- are you secretly in jail and having the GF do your last two posts? On meds?

By Blogger Fig, at 1:13 PM  

To make friends I stand outside a 7-11 and ask people to buy me beer and tampons. When this doesn't work, I blog.

By Blogger Leezer, at 1:52 PM  

I think the real question is "What ISN'T a good sandwich filling?"

By Blogger othur-me, at 2:46 PM  

Survey says!

Dynamite. Dynamite is certainly not a good sandwich filler

By Anonymous a co-worker, at 4:24 PM  

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