The Daily Dump

A place where everyone (me) is welcomed to express their opinions openly and honestly. I encourage free thinking, free wheeling, off-the-cuff banter and monetary donations.

Friday, July 28

Your Weekly News: What I Want, When I Want It


Man Steals Puppy By Sticking It Down His Pants (video)

I think everyone here knows that I love all things puppies: petting puppies, looking at pictures of puppies, making pretend I have a puppy, coloring in puppy pictures, etc. And yet, there are people out there who actually like puppies more than me. Like enough to steal one. Or enough to repeatedly refer to a puppy as “baby” with grave sincerity.

The video itself is hilarious (puppy + crotch = comic gold) but the commentary of the guy who works in the pet store is classic. There is not one thing this guy says that isn’t hilarious. I mean, the end? Where he uses the word “puppy-napping” immediately before threatening violence on the guy who stole the dog? Maybe he can even get the puppy lick the guy’s hand while he shouts “puppynapper!” from a safe distance.

(Sidenote: While looking for this link, I did a search for “puppy” in CNN’s video section and this is the list of results that came up:

















So yeah, Lebanon, Syria, Isreal, Iraq, war, I get it. BUT WHAT ARE WE DOING TO PROTECT OUR PUPPIES AT HOME? Seriously, “Puppies found frozen, dead”? You know who wouldn’t stand for that if he was in charge?

Lactivists: Where is it OK to breastfeed? (I’ve asked myself this question a hundred times.)
















NEW YORK (AP) -- "I was SHOCKED to see a giant breast on the cover of your magazine," one person wrote. "I immediately turned the magazine face down," wrote another. "Gross," said a third.


One mother who didn't like the cover explains she was concerned about her 13-year-old son seeing it. "I shredded it," said Gayle Ash, of Belton, Texas, in a telephone interview. "A breast is a breast -- it's a sexual thing. He didn't need to see that."


"I'm totally supportive of it -- I just don't like the flashing," she said. "I don't want my son or husband to accidentally see a breast they didn't want to see."

First of all, what? Secondly, why even bother talking if you are going to say things like “a breast is a breast”? And third, “a breast they didn’t want to see”? When I was 13, I watched shows on the National Geographic channel in hopes that they would show topless women in African tribes. I think it’s safe to assume that there’s no such thing as a breast a 13 year old doesn’t want to see. And lastly, wtf, baby Nazis? Babies need to eat too you know. It’s not their fault they can’t roll up to Sbarro and get a slice whenever they want.

Chess prodigy death plunge mystery

THAT fucking headline? Just five nouns in a row? It reads like one of those spam emails with a subject like “re: Your question.” Speaking of which, this was one I got this morning:

Put on a few eggs, theres a good fellow! Gandalf called after him, as the hobbit stumped off to the pantries. And just bring out the cold chicken and pickles!

Probably the cheeriest spam message I’ve ever received, regardless of the fact that two lines down was a link reading: “massive erections are right around the corner.” Which to me sounds more threatening than anything else.

You know like when someone shows you a picture of a newborn baby and they’re like, “Isn’t it so CUTE!” and you’re like, “Aww, yeah” but really you’re thinking, “Is there something wrong with me because I don’t think babies are cute?” Well imagine you were a panda.

33 Comments:

That thing's going to give me nightmares. I had to stare at it for five minutes to even decide if it had a face.

Scary.

By Blogger Libby Mae Brown, at 2:55 PM  

I love how the puppy store guy calls the puppies "our babies" and then threatens violence on the puppy-napper.

Seriously, though, how do you not notice a tall, bald guy in a wife-beater walking around your store like he either had to pee or had a scorching case of the crabs?

----
And about the breast-feeding...

I agree, it's not comfortable to watch a mother breast feed...so don't watch.

This quote was the topper for me...

"I shredded it," said Gayle Ash, of Belton, Texas, in a telephone interview. "A breast is a breast -- it's a sexual thing. He didn't need to see that."

The thing is...Gayle Ash of Belton, Texas,...a breast is not a sexual thing...we as a society have made it a sexual thing.

Breasts weren't created to fill out tube tops. Their real purpose is...now hold on...this is going to come as a shock...is to provide the best nourishment possible for their owner's offspring.

Gasp!

----

Spam e-mails make me giggle.

----

Janice sans eyelids = Baby panda

By Blogger TALK!, at 3:16 PM  

I thought the same thing about the breasts. Unless it's attached to Rosie O'Donnell or someone's grandma, why wouldn't you want to see a breast?

By Blogger HomeImprovementNinja, at 3:33 PM  

Did we all get Dr. Drew offering help with erectile disfunction before the puppy-napping video? Aren't puppies something you boys think about when trying to delay the inevitable? Is there no one monitoring the security camera? You'd think that would be important what with $1600 "babies" kicking back in day-glo green cribs.

Oh, and Gayle Ash of Belton, Texas: Get your mind out of the gutter, girl. Sheesh.

By Blogger Gemini Prefect, at 4:18 PM  

i know an amishman who looks just like the baby panda when he sings. well, the gummy mouth, scraggly white beard and look of pained estacy anyway.

By Blogger Lord of the Barnyard, at 4:22 PM  

My whole thing with breast-feeding is who wants to spend that much time in a dirty bathroom feeding your baby?! There was a whole thing last summer about a woman who was breast-feeding in public at a zoo. Which I perfectly understand. Have you BEEN inside a disgusting zoo bathroom? I don't even want to touch anything in there, much less sit in there for however long with my top up and my baby eating. Screw the prudes!!! Me and my currently non-existent baby get priority in my mind over all the people who think the body is somehow dirty and unnatural.

And have you ever seen newborn kittens? They still have little dried-up embilical cords. It's gross. Now if I walked around with my baby who still had its embilical cord, then people could yell at me.

By Blogger Rebecca, at 4:23 PM  

My ovaries just shriveled up into dust and blew away due to your entire post.

By Blogger Hope, at 4:29 PM  

I cannot stop laughing about massive erections right around the corner.

By Blogger abby, at 4:37 PM  

"Massive erections right around the corner"...
Hmmmm. I'm SO looking forward to the weekend!

By Blogger Cherry Ride, at 4:43 PM  

Oh! Poor panda's! Poor puppies! Poor covered boobies!

There was seriously so much in this post I don't really know what to comment on.

By Blogger FlippingChipmunk, at 4:47 PM  

Ah ha! I figured out the motif of your post. I know, you're thinking it's newborns right? Wrong! It's the funny factor of picturing all of these things smuggled down the fat man's pants.

By Anonymous Dave, at 4:51 PM  

Ummm...wow. Either you have stumbled upon a bounty of mushrooms or you have hired a bunch of highschool EMO's to write your last five or six posts.

By Anonymous Fig, at 5:12 PM  

Hey fig-
I picture Dan, arms crossed, sternly looking down on a half dozen teens in Dashboard Confessional t-shirts furiously typing blog posts for him, occasionally looking up through tear filled eyes, desperately hoping for a nod of approval.

By Anonymous dave, at 5:50 PM  

And all I say is, "It's OK, it's not your fault I'm disappointed in you. It's mine for having such high expectations. But on the upside, lonliness becomes your friend after a while."

By Blogger the belligerent intellectual, at 6:12 PM  

Maybe the people who don't like the breast pic thought it was illustrating the other cover story on "quickie routines that work!". I know I did.

By Blogger Megan, at 6:15 PM  

BI:
You were very brave to take on the often divisive breast feeding topic. As a mother (so I guess this gives me some sort of authority) I don't mind pubic breast feeding, but I also get kind of grossed out by the gals that unbutton the WHOLE blouse, take out the pointy, football shaped boob, then hold it like a pencil at their kid's mouth. I have a friend who does this and it's hard not to break my stride mid-sentence every time.

By Blogger Leezer, at 8:22 PM  

you know...i want to give an addendum to what i wrote earlier.

i was thinking about all the times i've seen animals nursing their young (all the times...???)...and i think most nursing females of the furry variety tend to go to quiet places...away from other animals...so they and their young are protected.

maybe i'm rethinking my whole stance on public breast feeding.

it's a time for bonding with your child and a time that should be serene and peaceful...to keep the baby calm...to aid in digestion for the baby...to make the experience one that is anxiety free.

so...public breast feed if there is no other option...but otherwise...find a place where it's quiet and where you and your child won't be disturbed.

By Blogger TALK!, at 9:00 PM  

If you really do like puppies, please click here for the cutest dog in the world (mine).

By Blogger rawbean, at 11:56 PM  

rawbean,

wow, that is one of the cutest puppies ever!

By Blogger Brianne, at 1:46 AM  

That baby panda is freakin' me the hell out.

By Blogger Cath, at 2:11 AM  

Is that really a newborn panda? 'Cause hot damn, it's ugly.

By Blogger Dennis!, at 1:00 PM  

I can't help but picture that newborn panda being 50 stories high and devastating Tokyo.

By Blogger Dr. Kenneth Noisewater, at 4:55 PM  

what's weird is that mother pandas don't always know what to do with their babies nor really understand the concept of 'motherhood'.

i've seen video of mothers slapping babies that size and throwing across a room when they won't stop crying. many times, caretakers have to show the panda how to take care of the panda.

and, here's one more (i went to china last year in case you're wondering) panda fact for you: pandas generally don't like to have sex. that's one of the many reasons -- including being the laziest creature on God's green Earth -- that they're perpetually on the edge of extinction.

By Blogger John Flowers, at 8:57 PM  

You failed to comment on what I consider to be the truly disturbing part of the lactivist article. "And yet Wheatley, 40, who's still nursing her 3-year-old daughter, ..." She's still nursing her 3-year-old daughter? Oh, my. Oh, my my my. Is she going to drop by the school at lunchtime to breastfeed her kid when she's in kindergarden, too? Does she not realize there's a point when you've got to stop giving your kid the breast? Which I say is at least by the time they turn 3 years old. (Uh, if not way before then...)

By Blogger sadielady, at 9:24 PM  

Masterful as always. I am pregnant with my first kid, and I'm already having nightmares and when, where, and how to breastfeed without getting eyed/yelled at. Seems like such a vulnerable way to be! Hmm.

I'll be sure to report back in 7 months.

By Blogger babyoog, at 9:05 AM  

JESUS, that panda baby is terrifying. It's making that face because it glimpsed itself in a mirror.

By Blogger Fraulein N, at 9:08 AM  

Long time listener, first time caller... love your blog.

I have a 3-month old and I'll whip it out wherever I need to--the mall, a restaurant, my car (not while driving)--if I can do it discreetly. I'd rather not have an audience but sometimes, hey...

Baby pandas remind me of sea monkeys. Anybody?

I'll hang up and listen.

By Anonymous mothra2000, at 9:57 AM  

If you dont like it look away on the breastfeeding. I have seen lots of mom breastfeed and they are very discreet.

We are going to see the panda at the National Zoo next month, he is a big guy now, cant wait!

By Blogger KitKatWoman, at 11:51 AM  

Damnit, I need to stop reading your blog while I'm eating my lunch. I almost choked on a Triscuit! Frickin' hilarious as always... Especially the five nouns in a row - ha!

I think I posted this on my blog, but I once got a spam message that said:

Hello my friend!

I am ready to kill myself and eat my dog, if medicine prices here [web site address] are bad.

Look, the site and call me 1-800 if its wrong..

My dog and I are still alive :)


Yes, I kept it because I found it THAT funny.

By Blogger liberalbanana, at 12:39 PM  

viscountess "I don't mind pubic breast feeding..." I actually snort-laughed when I read this, thanks for the chortle! i'm kinda surprised no one else noticed/commented on it...

baby panda pic I think baby pandas are adorable! The itty-bitty nose, the teeny feet... but I really am more of an animal person. I think most human babies are ugly.

breastfeeding in public hey if you cover up, it's fine with me. if you let it all hang out and have the kid swinging on it for all the world to see, that's a problem.

By Blogger Bird Girl, at 1:11 AM  

Bravo!! I almost got in trouble for laughing out loud at work...loved it.

sidenote-your "word verification" for me was LUVJEW...just thought it was worth mentioning

By Blogger djmetronome, at 1:37 PM  

For some strange reason I keep scrolling up to look at the breastfeeding picture....

By Anonymous Kevin, at 1:34 PM  

Yup, Kevin, and it's cos of ppl like you who are perverted that people like Gayle Ash complain!

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:05 PM  

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