The Daily Dump

A place where everyone (me) is welcomed to express their opinions openly and honestly. I encourage free thinking, free wheeling, off-the-cuff banter and monetary donations.

Wednesday, August 9

I’m One Of These Guys Now


I was going to write a long post about this, but I’m running out of time and I’m leaving this afternoon for a long weekend at the beach, so here’s an abbreviated version:

Coupon for free haircut at Supercuts comes in the mail. Awesome? Probably not. But maybe? Probably not. I’m a sucker for anything free? Absolutely.

Enter the store: immediate sense of dread. Greeted by a guy who looks at my shoulder when he speaks. Maybe gay? Maybe a robot? (Gay robots?) I contemplate leaving, but that would require a distraction and this guy won’t stop looking at my shoulder.

I sit down in his chair. He puts the cape on. We stand to go get my hair washed. Halfway there, he turns me around and sits me back down to ask me what I want done with my hair. I make weird hand gestures and use the word “choppy.” He makes pretend to understand. Not sure he speaks English. In fact, unsure he speaks at all. We go over to get my hair washed again.

I lean back in the chair. As he starts up the water he hits me in the head with the nozzle; tries to recover and sprays me in the face. If he were a woman this would be foreplay, but he’s not so it’s just incredibly awkward. I consider saying, “Hey, it looks better already! Thanks!” and leaving without removing the cape. He keeps his hand on my shoulder as he leads me back to his chair, reassuring that no part of this process will feel normal.

He starts cutting. And cutting. And cutting. Slow and deliberately but with such calculated motivation that I am transfixed. It’s like watching someone about to be hit by a bus – all you can do is point and say “Oh!” but you can’t stop it from happening. You can’t help them. Fate will have its way . . .

Already so much hair is missing. Before I know it, he has the hairspray out. Before I can say, “They still make hairspray?” he is unloading the canister on my head with unrelenting ferocity. Then he pushes every hair on my head forward. Then he forms a flip in the front. Then I almost die of embarrassment for the man in the mirror in front of me. The cape seems like it is 50 lbs. My arms are useless. In five minutes this man has managed to do what six years of paralegal work couldn’t: my will is broken. This is my Vietnam.

But then he takes out the hair dryer. I can’t imagine what purpose this could serve, but he apparently intends to use it on my hair-sprayed head. I honestly believe he is making this up as he goes along, that yesterday he was “in computers” but he found it “unrewarding.” Then he takes out the buzzer and goes to work on the sides. He nearly removes an eyebrow. We laugh. His is hearty, mine is desperate. I want to leave so badly, to see my family and friends again, to have hair and be loved. To run in wide open fields of dandelions and open presents on Christmas morning. I feel the “Free Haircut” coupon burning in my pocket, the remembrance of a Faustian deal. I regret.

Finally, it is over. He shows it to me in the mirror and all I can do is nod in disbelief at what stands before me. Nothing good; everything bad. It is almost impressive in its atrocity. I give in the coupon, tip the man, all the while looking down. I walk home looking down. I shower looking down. I am hideous.

My only hope is this thought: “If he can cut hair (and he can’t) so can I.” I refuse the bad logic and set about “fixing” my hair. It is a tedious process of misjudging the motions of my hand inverted in a mirror. In the end clumsy + no skills + limited range of movement = better job than Supercuts. I am somewhat relieved, though still noticeably ugly.

On the plus side, finally found a deal I can refuse:

P.S. I’d rather sign up for a reminder to get a colonoscopy from a kangaroo than to get a haircut at Supercuts.

P.P.S. I hate this woman with a passion.

P.P.P.S. Everyone have a great weekend. Especially me, because mine will be four days long, cut off from the technological world with only mojitos and steak to survive. I promise to think of each and every one of you, as I drink away the need to feel pretty.

46 Comments:

What the hell, at least have the decency to show us a picture of this terrible haircut!

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 4:27 PM  

Now I can't get the image of a kangaroo with latex gloves and a white lab coat out of my head.

By Blogger susan, at 4:30 PM  

Shave it all off; start fresh. Pretend it was your idea.

I'm impressed that you aren't home in bed weeping under the sheets, because that's what I would be doing.

By Blogger Jaime, at 4:32 PM  

I'm with anon - picture please!

By Blogger Mood Indigo, at 4:41 PM  

I get my haircut at Supercuts. I have gotten my haircut at SC every time since the summer of 2001. Incidentally, that was the worst time in history to convert to Islam.

By Blogger Ace Cowboy, at 4:45 PM  

With the kind of summer we've had there doesn't seem to be a good reason not to clip your locks down to an eighth of an inch and be fucking done with it. Plus, then you can wash your hair with a bar of soap. Plus…you’ll look mean. Which means you could be a jerk. Which chicks like. Which is nice.

By Blogger Chas Chesterfield Esq., at 4:50 PM  

I hate you for your four-day weekend and your mojitos. Plus I can beat your story. When I was younger (which means more easily traumatized and less able to do anything about it), my mother decided to let a random woman by the pool of our hotel CUT MY HAIR. My adorable little curls. Killed by a complete stranger in a second/second-and-a-half world country. We were new to that country. Fixing my abominable haircut involved cutting it all off. My first day of school, people thought I was a boy. I have never fully recovered.

By Blogger Rebecca, at 4:52 PM  

My worst haircut was at a mall chop shop where the lady cutting my hair pointed to a picture of her and her sister on vacation in Mexico. She told me what a great vacation it was and she was going back after she got off probation. I was too scared of the scissors in her hand to ask what she was on probation for.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 4:56 PM  

chas is absolutely correct. Shave it brother. Then tell people you donated it to "Locks for Love" to make hair pieces for cancer patients. I've been using that one for years.
I'm actually going to buzz mine down this weekend in preperation for a 4-day-er in Yosemite (with mojitos (or is it mojitoes?)). Me vs. Bears. So far I'm 1-0.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 5:26 PM  

i say shave it, start from scratch and then grow the quite fashionable faux hawk/mullet combo that i'm currently rocking. Or well trying to grow out long enough to rock.

By Blogger Carrie Broadshoulders, at 5:29 PM  

I know that guy at Supercuts.

His name is Juanriqo.

He used to be a celebrity hair stylist. His big break in the industry was Sinead O' Connor.

Until they realized it was a hack job and not a fashion forward sense of style.

He was taken down in the midst of his glory and his reputation is dirt.

He can only get work at places like SC. This is why he won't speak and the shoulder thing?

That's him hanging on for dear life.

That was a cry for help.

By Anonymous The One Who Said That, at 6:01 PM  

Mull - et, Mull - et... Come on it's so fantastically retro.

By Blogger Shawn, at 6:02 PM  

this is a great opportunity to try out wigs...

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 6:34 PM  

On the floor laughing my ass off!

By Blogger Mad William, at 7:01 PM  

It always amazing me where guys will go and the level they will stoop to to get a haircut. I mean, that coupon and that 'salon' has redlights all over it, yet you pushed forward and got the haircut.

Couldn't you have faked stomach pains and bolted out of there?

By Blogger rawbean, at 8:04 PM  

Dude, you're on a roll....funny stuff. Been a rough week, thanks for the laughs...I needed them.

By Blogger Kevin, at 8:54 PM  

I love gay robots.

By Blogger Big Daddy, at 9:30 PM  

Ahhh... bad haircut stories.

This seems to have a similiar tone as your 21st Century experience (though it appears you got off much better) in that you are too nice. Loathing the man doing your hair but laughing along with him is in no way healthy I'm sure. Just sayin' Dan.

Go yell at a waitress or something to get you started.

By Blogger Janet, at 12:11 AM  

Um, odd, I know but ... the dude labeled "001" in the picture kind of looks like David Beckham.

By Blogger FUNKYBROWNCHICK, at 8:32 AM  

Oooh. I had a stylist dye my hair fire-engine red (not remotely close to a color found in nature and at the complete opposite end of the spectrum than what I was planning when I went in that day) a week before my 10-year college reunion.

My saving grace was that I went to a womens college, and I really wasn't trying to terribly attractive to anyone. The only men there would be husbands or boyfriends and that would be wrong. :-)

By Blogger Mollypalooza, at 8:32 AM  

Another hilarious post, but I AM sorry this happened to you! And here I thought Supercuts was safe for men. I went there once last year; it wasn't pretty. I didn't know any better! My mother is a hairdresser, and no one had touched mine but her since I was 8. I learned quite the lesson. I agree with the person from yesterday who lauded your old people and pooping posts, but this one is high up there too. Good luck with your recovery.

By Blogger amanda, at 9:05 AM  

I think I saw 004 at speed-dating last week. I mean...I bet a guy like that would go to speed dating. What a loser. :-p

By Blogger mance01, at 10:17 AM  

I just love the pic at the end and how it at one time looked like an offer. Now it's a threat, a threat I tell you a threat!

By Blogger JP, at 11:07 AM  

I am crying laughing at this, at my desk, silently shaking with real tears in my eyes.

By Blogger Assist Assistant, at 11:30 AM  

I completely forgot when I read this post yesterday about the traumatic Super Cuts experience I had as a child. My mom, ever expecting the 5 Star treatment at a discount price used to go to Supercuts when I was growing up. She complained about every single hair cut and usually made them re-do it. They finally told her she was no longer welcome - she was literally BANNED from our home town Supercuts. So if you really never want to go back - complain, LOUDLY.

By Blogger Mood Indigo, at 11:51 AM  

Even free has it's price. Sorry about the cut, I agree that you should shave. Claim that you wanted an easy 'do' for the vacation.

By Blogger Amaya, at 11:58 AM  

Ok, just when I thought you couldn't be any funnier than your old people post. I laughed so hard I was sure this was Friday -- because, clearly laughter = relaxation = the weekend.

Thanks for making me forget that it's only Thursday.

Oh, and please post picture.

By Blogger undercover celebrity, at 12:32 PM  

I always wonder how much training is required before you can get a job at Supercuts -- a Learning Annex course?

By Anonymous Neil, at 12:39 PM  

This reinforces my claim that chain salons don't have any quality control. My boyfriend once got a Hair Cuttery 'do that toed that fine line between "indie rock" and "mulletdom." One side was long enough that he had to trim it up himself.

I want to see a picture. I'm hoping you look like Dude 001. hahaha

By Blogger mysterygirl!, at 1:46 PM  

I actually farted loudly at work I was laughing so hard...I normally wouldn't admit it...but it's just too fucking priceless not too.

-a good thing to say prior to a cut-
"Cooincidentally, I'm a haircut nazi...you fuck up my hair...I will destroy everything you know and love..."

By Blogger djmetronome, at 2:54 PM  

I think 002 looks sorta Jamie Foxx-ish. And 004 - 007 shouldn't be modelling haircuts...or anything else, for that matter. GodDAM their hair looks bad!

We do need pictures. Yes, we do.

Hopefully your long weekend helps you recover. Mojitos heal all, or so I hear. (I prefer to let gin and gingerale heal my woes, personally...)

By Blogger Faith, at 3:46 PM  

They wash your hair? Hell thats more than they do here! Gotta show us the picture!

By Blogger Samson & DeLilah, at 3:58 PM  

Dude! You can't write a post like that and then not post a picture.

Note to self: Do not be tempted by cheap shit from cheap salons.

By Blogger Heather B., at 4:16 PM  

You crack me up! Reading your post brings back memories of when I took my youngest son in for a haircut and he came out all butchered up. He begged me to never take him back... and I havent! It was the worst cut i'd ever seen in my life! A blind person could have done better...

now show us the final product :) comeon.... give it up..... ;)

By Blogger Kerry, at 9:18 PM  

A coupon to Supercuts = complimentary trauma. I went to Supercuts once, I had a short but still definitely female pixie sort of cut that just needed to be cleaned up a little and the "stylist" looked stumped: "So you want it cut like a man's?" she asked. I have no idea what kind of profoundly misguided sense of politeness kept me seated after this, but she proceeded to punish my weakness by cutting in a line *straight across my forehead* (on short hair, not talking cute bangs on a long-haired person). You know how sometimes you bring a picture of a haircut you like? well to Supercuts you'd be better off bringing a bowl.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 9:26 PM  

Ugh. I had an experience like this at Lemon Tree (a Supercuts-like chain). I had to shave off my beard and start over. It just looked awful.

By Blogger Jim Donahue, at 8:47 AM  

First of all, Supercuts does not include a free wash with their basic hair cuts. That dude was into you and just wanted to rub your head for awhile. Gay robot indeed!

Second, if you are ever serious about the Kangaroo thing, let me know....I can get you a coupon

By Blogger othur-me, at 1:25 PM  

A voucher for a free hair cut. Hmm, very good.

I raise you a voucher for a free bottle of wine with a hair cut (at a fairly decent place).

*ding* i win.

By Blogger Melissa, at 3:34 PM  

sweet deal! that happened to me once. luckily, i have learned how to do some minor trimming and such. sadly, i have somehow convinced myself that i can cut my own hair and have come out of it with random bald spots from time to time.
hopefully i'll learn soon.

By Blogger Kawaii desu ne, at 4:05 PM  

That's some funny shit!! Incidentally, I went for a free brazilian a few months ago and I literally was walking around with a limp for at least 4 days. So, cheer up, at least the guy didn't mess with your genitals (ummm...unless he did??)

By Blogger Jill, at 8:21 PM  

I think you should go back with exactly 2 jars of peanut butter slathered on your head. It will take him a very long time to wash that out. It will make him pay dearly. Be sure to wear *really* smelly dirty clothes, reek of garlic and fart constantly. Tell him really skanky stories about, oh, say, felching or something. Make him pay, I say, make him pay with his own sweat, blood, tears and faith in humanity.

By Blogger Sparkmonkey, at 7:18 PM  

Haircuts are one of those things where you really do get what you pay for. I went to a really nice salon for my last haircut for no better reason than I had time to kill waiting for my volleyball game, and the chick gave me this really slow, almost erotic, head massage with some kind of lotion. Supercuts guy was probably more than willing to give you a shoulder massage, but just the one he was tranfixed on.

By Blogger Dr. Kenneth Noisewater, at 9:06 PM  

"In five minutes this man has managed to do what six years of paralegal work couldn’t: my will is broken. This is my Vietnam." I think I'm having a flashback!! This post speaks to me...

By Blogger JLee, at 7:29 PM  

I hope your hair looks like 003 because he is just so dreamy.

I don't want to relive my awful haircut experience but it invovled me giving the middle finger to my mom and my hair stylist.

By Blogger Julie_Gong, at 11:57 AM  

You are hilarious. The kangaroo visual is stuck in my head as well... that and running out of SC with cape intact...

By Blogger Left Coast Sister, at 12:17 AM  

LMAO!! Thank you Jason Mulgrew for showing me this blog. Great write.

By Blogger Sally, at 10:34 PM  

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

<\$BlogItemBacklinkCreate\$>

<< Home