The Daily Dump

A place where everyone (me) is welcomed to express their opinions openly and honestly. I encourage free thinking, free wheeling, off-the-cuff banter and monetary donations.

Tuesday, August 15

That’s Not My Ass, But It Could Have Been


After a five day long weekend during which the largest difficulty I had to overcome was getting the lid off the cocktail shaker after it had been encrusted with sugar and mint leaves from mojitos, I returned to my apartment Sunday night and immediately fell asleep, wasted by endless hours of volleyball, drinking in the sun and laughing heartily at the notion of people working while I played volleyball and drank in the sun. I didn’t unpack, I didn’t straighten up the apartment, I hardly even brushed my teeth. I just collapsed.

Flash forward to the next morning when I stumble out of bed about 20 minutes after The Girlfriend has left for work. Because she has a “real” job, this is our usual schedule. And because I have the apartment all to myself for those 40 minutes I spend getting ready, I don’t mind doing things I wouldn’t normally do while wearing just my underwear, such as stretch and eat a bowl of cereal. Usually, I don’t even bother closing the shades, because our apartment is in the back of the building and there is a rather large gap between us and the buildings behind us. So while often times I can see in the windows of those buildings, without the telephoto lens on my camera I can’t discern if they are fully clothed, just wearing underwear, or rolling around on the floor completely naked with their dog. Hence I feel secure, using the time tested “If I can’t see them, they can’t see me” logic, going about my business unashamed by original sin.

So when I found myself naked in the bathroom, just about to step in the shower, but suddenly realizing that I had left my unpacked toiletry case in the bedroom, I didn’t think twice about just walking out of the bathroom completely unclothed and going to the bedroom to fetch it.

Five steps out of the bathroom, though, something happened, the memory of which causes me to shudder and make that audible noise you make to distract yourself from a horrendously embarrassing moment.

(Side story: Back in college during my junior year, I met a girl in one of my English classes and we started to date. As we were leaving class one day, we ran into one of her friends in the hallway, a small, Asian guy I had recognized from another English class we shared. This was how our introduction went. I’ve changed his name to protect him from me:

Girl: “Dan, this is Tim. Tim, this is Dan.”

(Something feels weird as we shake hands.)

Me: “Whoa, what’s with the secret handshake?”

(Time pulls up his extra long sleeves to reveal two deformed hands, each with only three fingers.)

WHAT’S WITH THE SECRET HANDSHAKE?!

Point being, I have forever thought that would be the most embarrassing moment of my life. I might have been wrong.)

Perhaps now is a good time to inform you that there has been construction going on at the building next to ours for a few months. They are gut renovating the entire townhouse, and everyday there are between 10 and 15 workers filing in and out of the front door with hard hats, tools and dirty facial hair. Perhaps my foreshadowing skills have slipped since college, but I think you see where this is headed . . .

Standing in the middle of the kitchen, halfway between the bathroom and the bedroom door, I look up and see, right outside the window on the balcony of the adjacent building, a construction worker leaning on the railing having a cigarette. I have drawn this handy diagram to help you understand the gravity of the situation:

It is a clear, direct visual path from where I was standing to where the construction worker was standing. No more than 40 feet between us. He had on a blue flannel shirt, work jeans and a brown belt. He had short, dirty blond hair. I could have said in a normal voice, “How’re things going over there?” and, despite the operation of heavy machinery nearby, he would have heard me fine. WE LOOKED INTO EACH OTHER’S EYES FOR CHRIST’S SAKE. The best I can describe it is to say that both of us, not knowing how to react, looked away quickly, as though one might do when checking out someone at a bar and they catch you staring. It was probably the most intimate moment I have ever shared with a man, including the time I spooned a friend for warmth in a twin bed in Montreal. (Seriously, is there anything in this post that wouldn’t get me fired from my job?) I can’t even say I was a like a deer in headlights, because even a deer expresses some sort of emotion and eventually moves. I, instead, was so shocked that I just stood there, as normal as possible, like the Earth had stopped and I had all the time in the world to contemplate my many fears and problems, although inexplicably the construction worker standing outside my window LOOKING AT MY NAKED FACE IN MY EYE wasn’t one of them.

Finally, after blacking out for a few moments, I made it to the bedroom and assessed the situation: A strange guy had just seen me buck naked in my kitchen. Assessment: Poor situation.

I put pants on, waited a full minute and then peeked out the door. In hindsight, this probably wasn’t the best idea, because, if for some reason he was still out there looking in, the absolute hilarity of my face peeking out my bedroom door to see if he was still there would probably have been too much for me to handle. Luckily, he was gone, and I made my way back to the bathroom and washed myself clean of the whole event.

Until, of course, I had to leave my building and was forced to walk past the group of construction workers loitering outside. I think this is the closest I will ever come to knowing the feeling a girl gets when she is trapped in a closet at a party and taken advantage of by an entire fraternity, and then has to fix her hair and pull her cardigan tight as she leaves the party and can’t tell anyone because no one would believe her anyway, even after she sees one of them in school that Monday and he smiles to her across the class and makes a kissy face and she starts crying and runs out of the room. And all I could think while finishing my lonely walk to the subway station was that the days when the lid to the cocktail shaker was my biggest problem seemed so far, far away.













Again, not me. Although Scott won the hair-do battle.

38 Comments:

Oh my god. I am feeling mortified sympathetically for you for both "Secret Handshake" and Not-so-secret Shake Your Bon Bon for the Construction Worker (or Keeping Your Bon Bon Perfectly still as the case may be). But, don't fret, the douche chills don't outweigh the hilarity!

By Blogger Dwight, at 1:14 PM  

i can't tell you how many times random people have seen me naked in my neighborhood. i'm used to it by now. (is that bad?)
as for the "secret hand shake" thing, my friend & i had this to say:
friend (1:22:40 PM): btw theres a new daily dump
me (1:23:11 PM): sexy
me (1:25:38 PM): whoa whats with the secret handshake?
friend (1:25:49 PM): lol thats too funny
me (1:25:55 PM): i know!
friend (1:26:02 PM): its like asking a fat girl when shes due
me (1:27:31 PM): lol
me (1:27:32 PM): no its worse
me (1:27:37 PM): cause she can get skinny
me (1:27:43 PM): whereas he cant grow more fingers

i think i'm right.

By Blogger Kawaii desu ne, at 1:37 PM  

I was wondering how you could pull off a hairdo like that at the kind of job you have!

You're holding out, mister. Click it and stick it, STAT!I don't care about ANY of your posts until we get to see the crappy hair you got from SuperCuts, dammit!

(Which is a total lie, because I love your posts, and think your foreshadowing skills are brilliant! Just the way I like 'em...)

(But I do wanna see the hair.)

By Blogger Faith, at 2:22 PM  

Hahaha. Excellent story and a great way to come back from vacation. Wipes that relaxed feeling right away, doesn't it?

A similar thing happened to my parents when they came to visit me and Nick in Boston for the first time a couple of weeks ago. I woke up at around 8:30am to the TV on in the living room. Anyone who knows my parents knows that they are rarely up before 11am, so I knew something was up. I came downstairs to this story: "Your dad and I were sleeping when all of a sudden we started to hear some construction noises outside. I kept my eyes closed for a few minutes, and tried to fight actually waking up, but eventually, I rolled over and opened my eyes to see not one but TWO construction workers on scaffolding staring at me through the window!! There we are, laying in bed, barely clad and there are construction workers, right outside your window staring at us!"

I'm not sure what's worse, that they woke up to construction workers at the window or the fact that they were "barely clad" in my guest room.

By Blogger Libby Mae Brown, at 2:25 PM  

The diagram was perfect.

And curtains would be too.

Our second bedroom window faces directly into the apartment across the sidewalk (maybe 20 feet away?), and we have yet to put up a curtain. Countless times I have shrugged to myself and thought, "they've got curtains... they're drawn... they won't see me quickly walk in here naked to contemplate my wardrobe/grab the ironing board."

Aaahhh, naked neighbours.

By Blogger Kelly, at 2:28 PM  

The diagram was more than I could hope for. My advice? Have a mojito and forget all about the event.

By Blogger ❉ pixie ❉, at 2:41 PM  

Too funny. Similar experience happenned to me. I, a girl, was taking a shower in my appartment. Then the phone rings and I grab a towel and run to get the phone...but the towel isn't to cover me up...just to catch the drips. then I realized that I was standing naked in front of my patio window and I had forgotten to close the curtains. Worse yet there was some middle aged fat guy staring right up at me from his house. I shrieked and ran for cover. Then every day for the next 2 weeks when I walked by my window and peeked through, I saw the same middle aged fat guy staring at me from his house...in his birthday suit. I couldn't stop laughing because he actually thought he'd reciprocate with his own show. I kept those curtains closed until I moved out 4 months later. I can sympathize with ya!

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:54 PM  

Dan, what did you use for the diagram. I need one for an upcoming post, but your's looks more professional than what I had planned (sharpie pen on a napkin, photographed with my phone).

By Blogger HomeImprovementNinja, at 3:06 PM  

Ha. You just became some construction guy's "ugly naked guy." That's what you get for taking a vacation.

By Blogger Rebecca, at 3:19 PM  

I'm with Faith, we have got to see the hair.

It is the only thing that will remove the vision of you that is now stuck in my head.(although it is pretty funny)

By Blogger Mad William, at 3:28 PM  

Try cold water. For the drink shaker. Try warm water for less-embarassing impromptu nude encounter.

And HEY, IT'S NEW YORK. Does anyone really care?

By Blogger Jeff, at 3:41 PM  

The morning my boyfriend returned from a 2 week trip to Berlin we did the wild thing at my place with the curtains open to allow the pretty sun into the room.
After we finished we both fell asleep exhausted. When i woke up there were 3, count em 3 (hot) roofers outside my bay window 'fixing' shingles about six feet away from our very naked asleep bodies, needless to say I got up and left my man there asleep to entertain the troops.

By Blogger LeShawn Shantrell, at 3:51 PM  

Everyone is ignoring the most important and crucial question from today's post: Who's ass is it?

Welcome back.

By Blogger Cherry Ride, at 4:06 PM  

I was with you for most of this...sharing your embarrassment and feeling empathetic. That is, until you compared the experience to a girl being gang-raped by an entire fraternity! Excuse me? Am I the only one offended at that off-handed comparison?

By Anonymous Natalie, at 5:54 PM  

Whoa, who said anything about a gang-raping? I said "taken advantage of." Like what happened in the 60's. Before rape.

And ninja, I used several things to create the diagram: Microsoft Publisher, billable hours and an intense desire to win.

By Blogger the belligerent intellectual, at 6:26 PM  

It wasn't really on off-hand comparison, Natalie. He really did go into a bit of detail. The closest I got is the creepy guys who painted my house a few summers ago. I don't I ever caught them looking in, but it scared the shit out of my the first time one of them popped up by my second-floor bedroom window.

By Anonymous Alice B., at 6:40 PM  

Mojitos are not made in cocktail shakers. What were you thinking?

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 6:53 PM  

dude, did you create that diagram in Excel?

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 7:06 PM  

Two things:

First, it's New York, dude. Expect to be seen in your undies or naked. Case in point: I found out after I moved out of an apartment that my bedroom curtains were actually see-through and that the Verizon workers next store actually took their cigarette breaks right by window. Which pretty much means that they saw me in my undies, naked, masturbating, and having sex. Oops.

Second, how do you get in that apartment? Through the window? Where's the front door?

By Anonymous Chris, at 8:04 PM  

Great post as usual.

I once had this girl over, and one of my roommates was about to knock on the door to tell us we were too loud. Before he could knock on the door, she and I opened the door, and both of us were stark naked. She shrieked and ran into the bathroom while I did the hands-in-front-of-the-willie maneuver. Diagrams or not, I think you can see how embarrassing it was.

By Blogger Dr. Kenneth Noisewater, at 9:26 PM  

Oh my gosh, I spewed water all over my laptop and laughed so loud that my co-worker peeked over the cube to see what the heck was soooooo funny - we ended up cracking each other up for the rest of the day with "Whoa - what's up with the secret handshake?" I think I blushed for you as well. Very funny blog, I'm bookmarking it!

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 9:44 PM  

It wasn't so bad... until you looked into each others eyes!!! You had an intimate moment. (I laughed my butt off!)

Its awesome that you can find humor in yourself and share it with all of us. The visual of this entire story was awesome (cant share my thoughts because they involve your bare butt) haha

By Blogger Kerry, at 11:05 PM  

Your the craziest! Although it could have been even more embarassing if he had told the other guys around and they either whistled at you while you walked by or gave you a score of 1-10 for the best ****
And by the way what's up with your friend wearing gloves. I would think washing dishes was the furtherest thing in your mind to do.

By Blogger Samson & DeLilah, at 11:22 PM  

well thank god you had the mojitos this weekend to buffer the bad haircut from the traumatic nude incident.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 11:37 PM  

You MUST check out today's "Overheard in Construction Site.com." The other guy's story already has 300 comments... with a photo of you!

Great story.

By Anonymous Neil, at 12:06 AM  

Similar thing happened to me. I live in a post-war, tree-lined neighborhood. I had left my front door open one day, but the storm glass door closed and locked. I, too, operate under the assumption that no one can really see more than 6 - 10 feet into my home from the street outside, so I'm not always careful about my attire. Weeeeellll, one day I turned on the shower, got undressed, then decided I needed tunes to sing along to while showering. Walked out to the living room, turned the corner to turn on the stereo and found myself locking eyes with a boy scout standing on the stoop about to ring the bell. I'm buck, he's wide eyed and freaked out. He turns and runs, just as I turn and run back to the bathroom. I'm sure he told his whole troop about the Ugly Naked Perv that lives on the corner...geez!

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 12:53 AM  

Funny this post should appear today. This week I've been staying with a friend whose bathroom door doesn't stay shut unless you push against it with your leg while you are taking a crap.

I didn't know that this was involved with the door. Needless to say, when it flew open, I felt like a cow in a bull fighting arena.

By Blogger Janet, at 3:27 AM  

Whoa, what's up with the hidden artistic talents? :)

I mean, like, who the hell renders a 100% accurate architectural drawing for the sole purposes of telling a story about being caught buck naked by a construction worker???

You got skills, kid. Skills and a life filled with very very "interesting" events. ;)

By Blogger FUNKYBROWNCHICK, at 7:33 AM  

I can somewhat understand your embarrassment.

However, why are Americans so fucking polite and modest? Why can Europeans flaunt it like they got it and go to nude beaches but we blush and write neurotic blogs about some stranger seeing our junk?

Its just bodies, people. Human bodies. We all have one. Anyone who works in the medical or porn industries is used to seeing them every day, and it's not really a big deal.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:39 AM  

HAHA! Oh gosh. I love the part where you peeked around the corner to see if he was still there. I'm still laughing over it!!

I completely agree with Rebecca, that you gave some construction dude a story to tell!

And I agree with Cherry Ride, nice buns:)

By Blogger Sarah, at 10:55 AM  

When animals see each other they don't blog about it*. Embrace your humanity!

*Ferrets notwithstanding.

By Blogger Dave, at 11:54 AM  

You're embarrassing situation is my high point of the day. seriously. I'm too busy laughing to feel badly for you.

By Blogger Heather B., at 2:11 PM  

oh to be that construction guy.

By Blogger Carrie Broadshoulders, at 4:02 PM  

I've had window cleaners cleaning the windows outside my apartment, and for some reason, they're cleaning windows at like 7 in the morning and staring straight at me contorted, lying in my bed, touching myself....lol.

By Blogger TCho, at 4:38 PM  

I have to agree with Carrie B. Damn, that sounds like the beginning of either a really bad, or a really hot, gay porn movie.

By Blogger Dennis!, at 10:33 AM  

I have no shame. I walk outside with my bra on, no bra, no top. I really just dont care enough. But your story is funny stuff right there.

By Blogger Softball Slut, at 10:39 AM  

i just read this post, at work. when i got to “Whoa, what’s with the secret handshake?” i started laughing so hard i was crying, and i couldn't stop, had to shut the door so no one would see me. i didn't want to have to explain that i was laughing my ass off that much over a “Whoa, what’s with the secret handshake?” story, it probably wouldn't look to good to my coworkers that i found that story to be that funny. but damn, it was funny.

By Blogger sadielady, at 12:47 PM  

Oh My God, this is the funniest thing EVER! You so made my day.

By Blogger Stephi, at 7:25 PM  

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