The Daily Dump

A place where everyone (me) is welcomed to express their opinions openly and honestly. I encourage free thinking, free wheeling, off-the-cuff banter and monetary donations.

Tuesday, August 22

Uncovering The Secrets Of The Universe

Elephants Do Run, Study Concludes

Don’t get me wrong, science is awesome and it can really make you feel empowered in a vast world of complex, staggering mysteries. But you mean to tell me that no one stopped in the middle of this study and, while watching a baby elephant trot around a dirt track with sensors affixed to its joints, said, “Hey, you know a different way we could go about this? We could just say nothing. Because I’m pretty sure everyone already thinks that elephants run,” while all his scientist friends around him nodded their heads in profound agreement?

While we’re at it, here’s another enigma for you to tackle, Science: Why do I feel like such a douche whenever someone sees me eating a peach at my office? I mean, I’m a pretty secure person, what with my barrel chest and charming demeanor. But if someone comes in my office while I’m eating a peach, juice dripping down the cuff of my shirt, I feel like they walked in on me beating off to Friendster while chugging a bottle of Strawberry Sensation Arbor Mist. What gives?


I think I can begin to explain your embarrassment. Eating a peach is somewhat like eating a (ahem), what with all the hair and juice and all.

By Blogger Dr. Kenneth Noisewater, at 6:52 PM  

Who the hell eats peaches in public?!?!?! ;)

By Blogger FUNKYBROWNCHICK, at 7:22 PM  

Peaches come from a can they were put there by a man
In a factory downtown
If I had my little way Id eat peaches everyday
Sun soakin bulges in the shade

By Blogger Jader, at 7:29 PM  

Yes, but dogs still can't look up.

By Blogger Big Daddy, at 7:34 PM  

You sick F*CK! Eating a peach at the office? Who does that?

By Blogger Dirt Star, at 9:52 PM  

That Friendster scenario sounds a wee bit too specific to just be a hypothetical.
And yeah, I think Dr. Ken nailed it.

By Blogger Z, at 10:24 PM  

i feel the exact same way about eating peaches in public. and when i do it, i always think about the love song of j. alfred prufrock. and i never know if it makes the situation better or worse.

ps. try eating an avocado at work with plastc cutlery. now that's humiliating.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 1:05 AM  

try being a girl eating a peach in public. the leers. >_<
i shall never eat fruit in public again.
btw, your Friendster idea sounds suberb.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 9:41 AM  

I dont like to eat fruit in public either. Especially bananas. You get the leers from everyone. ugh.

By Anonymous Shannon, at 10:01 AM  

Eww... peach-eaters are gross. Not because of the aforementioned sexual connotations. But mainly because of the mouth noises. If you could eat a peach quietly, I'd be fine with it.

By Blogger Rebecca, at 10:01 AM  

Yeah, you can't eat a peach quietly. It's like trying to french kiss for the first time quietly. Or beat up your girlfriend for the first time quietly. Am I right?!

By Blogger the belligerent intellectual, at 10:15 AM  

I second the public banana gobbling insecurity.

More importantly, I miss Belligerant Mother's and t.g.'s comments. I love hearing from the women that know you best.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:45 AM  

you could pull a "mr. pussy" and just start going to town on that peach. you'll have to beat the girls off with a stick.

By Blogger Lux Lisbon, at 10:46 AM  

Yeah...when I put the bag of peaches in our joint shopping cart and made you pay for half, I forgot to mention that they were really for just me. Stop stealing them, you woman.

By Blogger T.G., at 11:47 AM  

You people really have nothing better to do, do you?

By Anonymous the real michael chimenti, at 1:15 PM  

No. No we dont. We like to garble on about nothing michael. This post is so damn funny. Eat a peach!

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 3:41 PM  

Yeah, something about eating fruit in public makes me self-conscious. Except for apples. Maybe that's because I feel like a Brawny-man shaped modern-day Johnny Appleseed. And apples are a guy's fruit, if there ever was one. I remember that Johnny Depp movie when all those women were being seduced by grapes (grapes?!?) in England in the 1800s. Would any guy for fall that? I hope not.

By Blogger TCho, at 7:29 PM  

How to eat a peach in public: Firstly, if the peach is ripe enough, you can hold it with both hands and pull it in half. Then remove the pit, and eat each half relatively mess-free. However, if you purchased your peach at the local grocery and supermarket, chances are it was picked several weeks early and then sprayed with gibberilins. If this is the case, your peach is probably rock-hard. For a peach that is less than perfectly ripe, use a knife -following the crease that starts where the stem was - and slice all the way through to the pit, and then all the way around until you have halved the peach. You should the be able to remove the pit and eat as described above. If the pit is next-to-impossible to extract, then yours is not a ripe fruit. All is not lost, though. Simply continue to slice the peach all the way through and all the way around until you make wedges (that look like they came from a can). Do eat fruit in public. If you are so insecure about yourself and your eating habits, precutting and packing it in baggies will work for every fruit (and vegetable) except a banana. Even an apple will not brown if sealed in an airtight container. Or get therapy for your asonine phobia.

By Blogger mahnleiher, at 9:58 PM  

Well, I eat peaches in public. I even eat raw oysters in public, and do so often on both counts. But then I realize that I'm eating a fruit or a shellfish, and not what the good doctor earlier refered to. Peaches and pus.., er..uh, well they're entirely different things with marked differences; both in flavor and texture.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 7:38 AM  

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