The Daily Dump

A place where everyone (me) is welcomed to express their opinions openly and honestly. I encourage free thinking, free wheeling, off-the-cuff banter and monetary donations.

Tuesday, August 8

You Know What’s Really Jerky? Being An Old Jerk.

Memo To The Old Bag On 83rd St. That Called Me A Jerk

Let me start by saying, and I mean this from the heart, that I have nothing against old people. I love old people. I love that they are the redwoods of society, that you could cut them open and from their growth rings learn the secrets of histories long past; how they play bingo and gamble because at this stage every day is a lottery of broken hips and broken dreams; how they think the internet is magic and use the word “negro” without malice. And I love how they shrink.

But here’s the thing, old people: you need to understand that due to such things as oxidation and osteoporosis, you are now slower than you used to me, yet the world itself has stayed the same speed. So when I’m walking down the sidewalk carrying 80 lbs of groceries and you are wobbling in front of me with profound apathy, I’m going to go around you. And because I’m polite I’m not going to woosh by you swinging my plastic grocery bags like pendulums of fury – I’m going to slowly move up beside you so as not to startle you and then advance past you. It’s a simple, polite gesture suggesting, “You’re the past, I am the future.” Embrace it.

But when you decide without warning to make a sharp left right into my gallon of milk, guess what? Well for one that’s going to hurt you a lot more than it will my milk. And for another, how about a little control over the movement of your body? You move at a turtles pace right up until you decide you need to turn left, then it’s as though they’re handing out free tennis balls for the legs of your walker and you can’t get there quick enough? There’s no rush – your doorway isn’t going anywhere. Unless you’re senile and that’s not your home in which case you might think, in your boundless senility, that your door ran away. And last and most importantly, IT’S NOT MY FAULT YOU ALMOST RAN INTO ME. I’M NOT THE JERK. YOU’RE THE JERK.

Listen: I appreciate that it can’t be easy walking around on the cusp of death. But you’ve got to choose your battles. It’s not like you’re bounding with youthful energy. You need your strength for the important struggles, like for the continued love of your family, or bladder control. My advice is to just make the best of the situation. Like the time I was ten and I was putting on a bike show for my mom, and ten seconds into the routine, during a difficult move where I wiggled my handlebars back and forth, I inadvertently wiggled too far to the right causing me to flip head first over the bike while taking a direct hit from the handlebar into the sternum. Sure, I laid in the middle of the road and I cried, but when I finally stopped crying I just made pretend that it was all part of the routine, my death-defying front flip dismount. And you know what? I felt better about myself. Just like you would if instead of calling people jerks you took the time to realize that a lot of what happens to you is your fault, and maybe it’s your inner jerk that you’re really mad at.

Just trying to help.

(Note: The woman in the picture isn’t the woman who called me a jerk. While she is a good physical likeness, I make no representations as to her character. She may very well be a perfectly nice old woman. But I doubt it.)

34 Comments:

this reads like the anthem of an entire generation.

HEY OLD PEOPLE, LEAVE THEM KIDS ALONE!

By Blogger ducklet, at 1:19 PM  

That whole "Respect Your Elders" rule I learned in Catholic School went out the window after an old woman (complete stranger) stopped me in a restaurant and said, “You look like a jackass!” because I had a shaved head.

What the bitch didn’t know was that the week before I was in the hospital for surgery and the shaved head was part of the deal (she obviously failed to see the scar).

Who does that in polite society? If the situation was reversed, I would have been beaten by bystanders. But because it was some old bitty, nobody said/did anything. Old people suck.

By Blogger Cherry Ride, at 1:53 PM  

Are you sure it was because of your head that she said it?

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 1:55 PM  

Ooh! Mean old people stories! I was just thinking of my favorite old person encounter yesterday in the shower...

I was in France, travelling to Austria with my roommate for the weekend on one of the famed "trains" they have there for shuttling people to and from country to country with ease and efficiency. We had reached a destination where we needed to change trains, and attempted to exit the train by going left out of our compartment and heading for the nearest exit. Problem: old woman standing in the very narrow passageway, staring out the window while perhaps pondering her youth and wondering where it had all gone.

I was lucky enough to approach her first. "Pardon, madame." No movement. "Pardon, madame. Nous voulons partir le train." Still no movement. I was worried the train would start to move again, and I didn't know what to do. I started to say it again when suddenly, the old woman turned and socked me square in my stomach. Hard. With a closed fist. After I caught my breath, I turned to my roommate and told her we'd better go the other way.

Bat shit crazy old woman.

By Blogger Faith, at 2:18 PM  

The other day I did the same thing but to a not old woman hobbling down the stairs at the 42nd street subway station.

She was walking with a cane and doing one step at a time, and every two steps she would pick up her bag and then drop it two steps down like it was a goal she kept trying to set for herself.

So I do the slow up the side and look for my space to cut in front but the bag keeps getting dropped in front of me. So she sees me and in this (wow you might actually be a transvestite) type voice she says "what you doing? trying ta scare me...gonna creep up like that and cut me? huh? you gonna eat me? Why don't you help me an dtake my bag 'stead a creepin' up trying to eat me"

Wish she just called me a jerk.

By Blogger de Kooning's Spleen, at 2:44 PM  

There are two kinds of pedestrians, my friend. The quick and the dead.

By Blogger Trix, at 3:15 PM  

I was almost beaten to death by an old lady for using the handicap stall... THERE WERE NO OTHERS OPEN SHEESH!!!!!!!

By Anonymous shawna, at 3:28 PM  

You know what's worse than mean old people? Mean blind people.

I watched this poor old guy trip over a blind man's cane, fall over, and grasp his leg in pain while the blind man berated him for not seeing and thus tripping over the cane.

There's some irony there, I'm sure of it.

By Blogger Jaime, at 3:28 PM  

I try to give older people the benefit of the doubt for the most part but what do you think mean, nasty, young people become whe they get old? Mean, nasty, old people, that's what.

By Anonymous dave, at 4:06 PM  

My friend told me a story about how he was walking down the street huffing down a cigarette (since the street is quickly becoming the only legally appropriate place to smoke) and this older woman behind him jumped to the left of him to try to get away from his smoke and was struck by a man on a bike.

I died laughing.

To avoid a minimally risk to your life that might kill you three decades from now (second hand smoke) you get plowed down by a guy on a bike.

People are funny.

By Blogger Carrie Broadshoulders, at 4:20 PM  

spoken like a true jerk.

By Blogger Tim, at 4:20 PM  

I have a lot of family in south florida and if you don't hate old people, but would like to, I highly recommend spending two weeks there.

After the second week you will find yourself uttering things like "Dr. Kevorkian, where are you when I need you." or possibly "I'M NOT THE JERK, YOU'RE THE JERK."

By Blogger HomeImprovementNinja, at 4:58 PM  

you always make me laugh. this was probably one of the funniest things i have read in a long time.
that & your farting in the bathroom thing. i show that to people all the time.

By Blogger Kawaii desu ne, at 5:00 PM  

I had a similar experience with an old woman at the grocery store the other day. She was walking at a snail's pace and then stopped right after the passed the entrance's threshold, making it impossible to pass her.

I was annoyed, but there was no confrontation. I relayed the story to my parents and they called me a snob. I can't win.

By Blogger Erin Mc, at 5:21 PM  

Preach it, brother!

By Blogger FlippingChipmunk, at 5:41 PM  

Good post. You know what sucks? I hate lots of people: Republicans, Nazis, dead-beat dads, and many others. I know I'll never be any of those, but I WILL be an old guy driving slow and getting in people's way, and there's no way to avoid it, outside of dying young.

By Blogger Dr. Kenneth Noisewater, at 5:51 PM  

In an unrelated matter, does anyone know what happened to Dirk the Feeble? When I click the link to his page it's someone else's considerably less funny page.

By Blogger Dr. Kenneth Noisewater, at 6:00 PM  

Old people smell like vicks, bengay, and mothballs.

What kind of soceity are we living in that this is acceptable?

I say, once you start tucking used kleenex into your sweater sleeve; it's time for a one way trip to Old People's Island. (Like Leper Colonies. Different group, same theory.)

By Anonymous The One Who Said That, at 6:27 PM  

I avoid old people like the plague, because they remind me that one day, I, too, will be a crotechety old fart. I can already see the inklings of it now.

Thus, my only old person story would have to be the time I was like 20, at a road side gas station paying the cashier, when an old dude comes in the store, and goes on a tirade that started with:

'Damn yuppies! [looking straight at me]. 'You're ruining the world and are all going to go to hell'. He was 'mad' mean.

Note, at the time, I looked nothing like a 'yuppie'. Far from it, more like a raver, then a yuppie.

Your post also reminded me of a skit Dana Carvey used to do on SNL, of 'A Cranky Old Man'.

By Blogger Big Daddy, at 6:56 PM  

Yeah, this whole "greatest generation" thing has gotten WAY out of control! And they smell funny.

By Blogger Shawn, at 7:00 PM  

Yup I hate old people. I had a similar experience. The Old lady was pushing a cart in a store at snail's pace. I am walking fast behind her and without any alterations to my speed I walk right by her through the narrow opening that she was about to block with her cart. She got very annoyed at me even though I did not impede any of her slow progress. I didn't even cause her to stop. She made a rude comment to my regard. She was just annoyed that I passed in front of her without her royal permission. I have no patience for assholes...especially old lady assholes. Old people feel like we (young ones) owe them something. They feel entitled to everything. Old people have fucked up our planet earth. They are the ones that polluted our planet then expect us to clean up after them. Old people are the ones who forced governments to delay paying government debts and deficits until future generations such as ours. We young folks are paying for Old people's pensions...and these old people didn't even contribute to their own pensions back in the day they were working...because pensions didn't exist for them then. Plus we young folks won't have a pension because all the current old people will have sucked the pension plans dry. I hate old people. That generation is evil.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 7:27 PM  

Well that really took it to another level, didn't it.

By Blogger the belligerent intellectual, at 7:39 PM  

Old people are like babies. I try to stay away from both.

By Blogger Cheetarah1980, at 9:46 PM  

Old people ARE mean. They always have this great sense of entitlement. Sometimes deserving, but more often than not, totally undeserving.

By Blogger TCho, at 9:55 PM  

I live 3 miles from "Del Boca Vista," in Boca Raton, Florida. Nuff said.

By Blogger Dirt Star, at 10:52 PM  

Aww, I love old people. Little old men make me want to hug them, and when I'm behind them driving; thats the only time I dont feel road rage :)

Now, little old ladies can get a bit grumpy, and I get annoyed, but not enough to hate a generation!!

By Blogger Sarah, at 9:29 AM  

Sometimes I like "Granny Porn"

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:28 AM  

Although slow, and dangerous behind the wheel, old people can still serve a purpose.

By Blogger Jon, at 11:44 AM  

Well, I can say that one of the most gross experiences I ever had with an old person was in a church.

I go to a Unitarian Universalist congregation and as part of our morning ritual we do a greet yer neighbor thing. We get up and shake hands and hug and say goodmorning all over the blessed place.

So I put down my coffee cup, and go do the deed. I hug lots of people, and then as I get to the end of the Blessed Moment of Howdy Do's I shake the hand of the little old lady next to me.

Okay....fine. Till later when I itch my nose and realize that my hand smells like poo.

Ew-fucking-ew.

By Blogger Sparkmonkey, at 11:46 AM  

OMG the story itself was funny, but THESE COMMENTS.......CAN'T STOP LAUGHING......
And "on topic" - I worked in a grocery store for 4 years, I have WAY too many "old people are mean bastards" to be able to share them in the time & space alloted here.........

By Blogger jenner, at 12:33 PM  

This gets my award for favorite post of the week. HILARIOUS!

One of my favorite comics, Nick Swardson, does a bit on old people. Mostly focusing on the logic that instead of moving slower, they should be moving faster because they're dying -- there's no time to lose.

He also suggests that old people should by a fast car, like a Corvette and drive it wrecklessly, so when they die it won't be for something lame like lung failure. How much better does it sound to say, My grandma died.... yeah, she flipped her 'vette.

Cheers to the old folks.

By Blogger undercover celebrity, at 2:33 PM  

Faith : "Ooh! Mean old people stories! I was just thinking of my favorite old person encounter yesterday in the shower..."

You encounter old people IN the shower? Sounds like an interesting story, but I'm not sure I'm ready for it :)

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 4:00 PM  

i love it i love it, this post was funny, old people are crazy

By Blogger SAILOR MOON, at 4:10 PM  

when my brother (who's now in his mid-40s) was in his early 20s, he was a dishwasher at a very large retirement complex here, and one day, he was walking back into the kitchen...this little old lady swooped in on him, started wailing on him with her cane and was shouting, "You and your goddamn brother!"

(All he could think was, "How does she know my brother?")

By Blogger Mollypalooza, at 8:27 AM  

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